One Big Happy Family II
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The sequel to my story "One Big Happy Family" exploring the lives of the Joker family and the Batman family from one generation to the next.
1. Chapter 1

**One Big, Happy Family II**

It was a very pleasant evening in Gotham City. The heat of the day had gradually faded into a cool, comfortable temperature, and the moon shone brightly in the clear sky. It was the sort of night that made people forget that the city was a crime-ridden cesspool of insane supercriminals and mob bosses. On the contrary, those out in the evening air felt that tonight of all nights, they were safe from murderous rampages by criminal lunatics. They wandered through the parks, smelling spring in the air, and thinking themselves glad to be alive. The kind of night where nothing unusual could possibly happen.

It was through one of these parks that a man in a top hat and cane strolled, at peace with the world and everything in it. This man was Jervis Tetch, sometimes known as the Mad Hatter, although he had given up his criminal identity five years ago. Something had happened to him five years ago that had changed everything. Actually, a lot had happened in five years, he thought, as he glided down the avenue, taking in the night air and enjoying the sight of the first flowers of spring. His best friend Jonathan Crane had gotten married. Tetch was very happy for him, but he didn't see him as often as he should have these days. Crane spent more time with his wife, which was only natural, and was usually very busy with his work and experiments in fear as the Scarecrow. Tetch admired his friend's dedication to the criminal lifestyle, but he had found something more important than that to fill the void in his life.

He checked his pocket watch and hurried his pace. He didn't want to be late for this very important date. She would never forgive him. He felt in his jacket to make sure he hadn't forgotten the gift, and then returned to reminiscing. A lot had happened in five years. The Joker and Harley Quinn had had children – twins. A boy and a girl. Joker Junior and Arleen, although J.J. and Leenie were how they were more commonly referred to. Or the Joker Twins. Or the spawn of Satan, depending on who was talking about them. Although they were only four years of age, they both showed signs of taking after their parents, but then he supposed children often did. Alice certainly took after her mother.

He checked his watch again and hurried along, out of the park and back onto the streets of Gotham. Tetch's insane persona as the Mad Hatter had manifested itself after his secretary, Alice Pleasance, had got engaged to her fiance Billy Dodgson. He had been madly in love with Alice, and that madness had driven him to do desperate things, but over the years, and by spending time with both her and Billy, he had come to accept their relationship, and they had come to value his friendship. A year after her marriage to Billy, Alice had given birth to a baby girl, the spitting image of her mother, and had done Tetch the incredible honor of naming him godfather to the child, although she referred to him as "Uncle Jervis." She was called Catherine Alice Dodgson, but while her parents called her "Cat," Tetch insisted on calling her "Alice." And tonight he had been invited over to their house to celebrate little Alice's fifth birthday, which he was very much looking forward to. Little Alice absolutely adored him, and he her. And he couldn't wait to see the look on her face when he gave her the present he had bought her.

The scent of spring flowers from the park gradually faded into the usual smells of the city – car exhausts, unwashed bodies, grilled meat from the hot dogs sizzling in their stands. Smoke too, he thought, as he drew closer to Alice's house. Someone must be having a barbeque. It was a perfect night for it, he had to admit. A beautiful, peaceful evening where all was right with the world.

He froze suddenly as he turned the corner to the street where Alice lived. There was smoke billowing from a house lit up in flames…Alice's house. Tetch's heart leapt in shock and fear, and he raced over to the burning building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked open the door and rushed inside. Smoke stung his eyes and throat, and blinded him, but he managed to shout above the roaring of the flames. "Alice!" he called. "Alice, where are you?"

His voice died suddenly when his eyes fell upon the charred remains of two bodies on the floor by the kitchen. "No," he gasped, kneeling down and recognizing the face of the woman. "Oh…God…no. Alice."

He suddenly heard a scream of terror from upstairs. "Alice!" he shouted, leaping to his feet immediately. He headed toward the stairs as the flames licked at his heels. His foot fell through one of the steps, but he kept climbing, reaching the landing. The smoke was thick here and choking. He heard the scream again and rushed down the hall to little Alice's room, slamming himself against the door and knocking it down.

Little Alice was huddled in a corner by the window, sobbing in terror. She looked up as he burst into the room and gasped, "Uncle Jervis?"

"Alice!" he exclaimed, seizing her in his arms. "Oh, thank God!"

The smoke was thick and heavy, and the fire was winding its way into the room, clinging to the ceiling and making it crack. Tetch picked up Little Alice, clutching her tightly against his chest, and took a deep breath, rushing toward the window. He burst through the glass, shielding Alice with his body, and landed on his back so that she wouldn't be hurt. He cried out in pain but held her tightly – she was sobbing and coughing and held onto him as if for dear life. He struggled to his knees and hugged her fiercely. "There, there, my angel," he whispered. "Shh, shh, don't cry now."

"Where are…Mommy and Daddy?" she sobbed, looking up at him with tears running down her face.

"They're…they've…they've gone to Wonderland, Alice," murmured Tetch, wiping her eyes gently. "You remember what I've told you about Wonderland? You remember when I read you that book with all those pretty pictures? It's a beautiful place, and they're very happy there, my angel. They might be gone a long time now, because they are so very happy, but you'll see them again someday, Alice, I promise."

"I want them to be here now!" she sobbed. "I don't want them to go far away!"

"Oh, my angel, I wish I could bring them back from Wonderland," he murmured. "But it's very difficult to climb back up a rabbit hole, and it's such a long way down. But you will join them one day, my angel. One day we'll all be happy together in Wonderland. And we'll never be late, not for anything, and we'll have tea and cakes precisely at six, and we'll have so many happy adventures, all of us together. Your Mommy and Daddy were very brave people, so they went ahead of us. They've run very far ahead of us, Alice, and now they're out of our sight. But they're still there, still near us, and one day we'll see them again. I do promise you that, my angel."

He kissed her forehead tenderly and she buried her face in his chest, sobbing. "Why did they have to go to Wonderland, Uncle Jervis?" she whispered.

He stroked her hair gently. "The thing about Wonderland, my dear, is that it doesn't make sense," he whispered. "You can't ask why. There are no answers, and no reasons. It's a very mad place, with all sorts of mad people. But mad people aren't bad, Alice. Not…not all of them."

He stared at the burning building with tears trickling down his own face, which he wiped away. "Alice, my love, can you tell me what happened?" he asked, gently. "Do you know how the fire started? Was it an accident?"

She shook her head slowly. "No. Someone did it on purpose."

"Who, my dear?" he asked.

"The man who was in my room. The scary man who flew out the window."

"What man, Alice?" he asked.

"Him," she said, pointing. Tetch turned to look at the roof of the building opposite. By the light of the moon and the blaze of the fire, he could make out a dark figure looking down at them. A dark figure that Tetch recognized.

"It…can't be," he stammered. "Alice, are you sure?" he asked.

She nodded. "He's a bad man. I heard him shouting at Mommy and Daddy and went to go peek down the stairs. Then I heard Mommy screaming as the bad man sprayed fire at Daddy. And then Daddy and Mommy both screamed. And then I ran and hid in my room, but he found me. And he just looked at me and smiled, and then flew out the window. He's a bad man. That's why he wears black. That's why he dresses like a bat. Because he's bad."

The dark figure suddenly disappeared from view with a whirl of his cape. Tetch continued to stare at where he had seen him, not trusting his own eyes, though he couldn't doubt the sincerity in Alice's. She was telling the truth. And his eyes were not deceiving him. The figure had been Batman.


	2. Chapter 2

"Harley, get the door!" shouted Joker in response to the knocking. He didn't look up from his newspaper, engrossed in the story about a mysterious sanitation explosion killing thousands – his own handiwork, he was proud to say. He grinned at the photos of the victims and then paused to refill his pipe. The Joker was normally a cigar man, exploding cigars by preference, but it was a funnier gag to smoke a pipe now that he was a father. That was what stereotypical fathers did, and the Joker was anything but a stereotypical father, so smoking a pipe was quite the joke to him. He leaned back in his armchair with his slippered feet up as the children played on the floor – if play could describe what they were doing. Normally Arleen and J.J. were the best of friends, but they had gotten into one of their more violent moods, and now J.J. was chasing Arleen around the room trying to spray Joker toxin at her while she shrieked and tried to defend herself with an axe and gun. She screamed suddenly as the toxin splashed her and cried out, "Daddy! J.J.'s poisoning me!"

"Well, you just poison him right back," said Joker calmly, still reading his paper. The floor around them was dotted with weapons and broken toys – knives, saws, sticks of dynamite, mutilated stuffed animals and a flaming Batmobile. The Joker listened to the sound of his children screaming and smiled, lighting his pipe again and leaning back. "Such a happy home," he chuckled.

The knocking came again, interrupting what in his mind was a very peaceful scene of domestic bliss. He frowned and shouted, "Harley, the door!"

"I'm coming, puddin'!" she cried, entering the room and wiping her hands on her apron. "But I am in the middle of cooking dinner!"

"Is that what you call putting TV dinners in the oven?" he asked, sarcastically.

"For your information, I use a microwave!" she snapped. "And it's still cooking! And since you're too lazy to get up to open a door about four feet away from you, it'll probably be burned now!"

"Who could tell the difference?" he muttered, fluffing his paper.

She glared at him and opened the door. She started back in surprise when she saw who it was.

"Jervis?" she asked. "What are you doing here? And what've you done to your clothes?" she asked, noticing the blackened and charred remains of his suit and hat.

"It's a long story – may I come in?" he asked.

"Sure," said Harley, holding open the door. "Play nice, kids!" she shouted. "We've got a guest! You remember your Uncle Jervis?"

"Hi, Uncle Jervis!" cried Arleen, throwing down her weapons and rushing over to him with J.J. following her.

"How do you do, children?" he asked. "Forgive me if I don't hug you, but my hands are rather full at the moment."

He gently drew aside his coat to reveal little Alice clinging to his neck, staring around her with blue eyes wide in astonishment. "Aw, hi, sweetie!" said Harley, bending down and smiling at her. "Where did you come from?"

"This is my goddaughter, Alice," said Tetch. "She's…um…well, it's difficult to explain what's happened, but…I thought I should see you about it first. It involves…um…" He glanced at Arleen and J.J. and then muttered, "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder what you're at?"

Joker looked at him and then slowly put down his paper. "Well, in that case, why don't you leave little Alice here to play with my kiddies while we go into the study? Kids, no weapons," he said, standing up.

"Yes, Daddy," they mumbled.

Tetch put Alice down and murmured, "I won't be a moment, my love. Don't be scared."

He kissed her head tenderly and then followed Joker out of the room. "I'm gonna check on dinner – you kids make Alice feel welcome," said Harley, leaving them.

Arleen smiled at her. "Hi, Alice, I'm Leenie, and this is J.J.," she said. "You wanna play with my dolls?" she asked, holding one out to her.

"Um…ok," stammered Alice, taking the doll from her. She screamed as the head fell off.

"Aw, sorry," said Arleen, picking it up and frowning. "Daddy was showing me what decapitation was. Do y'know what it is, Alice? It's when somebody cuts your head off. Daddy says the head stays alive for a few seconds after it's separated from the body, so it can still see and stuff. Wouldn't that be kinda weird, Alice?" she asked, studying the head calmly. "To see stuff while your head's rolling around on the ground?"

J.J. had lost interest and sat himself down in a corner by a box of tools, shifting through them calmly and putting pieces together. "Here, have another doll," Arleen said. "We can make up a story about them. I'll be a psychiatrist," she said, reaching for another doll. "And you can be the patient. You can make up any kinda mental disorder you want – schizophrenia, paranoia, nymphomania…"

"What's that?" asked Alice.

"I dunno," said Arleen. "Daddy won't tell me. But he says Mommy has it. He says that's why we're here."

The Joker emerged from the study and shouted, "Harley, you wanna get in here?"

"I'm making dinner, puddin'!" she shouted.

"Just pause the microwave!"

"I dunno how!"

"Christ, Harley, even I know how to do that, you dumb blonde!" he shouted, heading toward the kitchen. He passed J.J. on the way and looked at him.

"Whatcha making, kiddo?" he asked, indicating the mass of materials.

"It's a pipe bomb, Daddy," said J.J., his eyes narrowed in concentration. "Or it will be."

Joker clapped him on the back. "Good boy," he said, continuing on into the kitchen.

They both joined Tetch in the study and shut the door firmly. "Now what was so urgent that it needed to interrupt my cooking?" demanded Harley.

"Tetchy here says Bats killed Alice's parents," muttered Joker. "Set their house on fire."

"Bats wouldn't do a thing like that," retorted Harley.

"No, I didn't think so either," agreed Tetch. "But I saw him at the scene of the crime. And Alice told me that he…set her parents on fire. She wouldn't make that up – she's not a fanciful child."

Harley looked from Joker to Tetch. "You think Bats has finally snapped?" she asked. "Maybe after he tried to kidnap Leenie and J.J. last year, and J.J. shot him in the leg…maybe that made him lose it?"

Joker shook his head. "It just ain't like Bats," he muttered. "Kidnapping, yeah, because he don't see us as fit parents. In his twisted mind he's doing the right thing by saving them from our influence. But there's not even a crazy way to twist burning people into being right, well, not since the Spanish Inquisition, anyway. And nobody expects them!" he chuckled. "Anyway Bats don't kill."

"So what are you suggesting happened?" asked Tetch. "My goddaughter is not a liar."

"Didn't say she was," snapped Joker. "I believe she saw a man in a bat costume, and I believe you did too. I just don't think it was Bats."

"You mean somebody's copying him and committing crimes?" asked Tetch. "To what end?"

"To make people think Bats has lost it," retorted Joker. "To tarnish his name and reputation. How should I know? I just know that guy wasn't Bats. I know Bats. He ain't got the guts for that kinda fun. He's crazy, but he ain't homicidal."

"And so what are we going to do about this Bat impersonator?" asked Tetch. "I will not let Alice's murder go unavenged."

"Bats'll probably take care of him," retorted Joker. "The guy won't take kindly to someone like that trying to be him. And if he don't, we will, once he strikes again and we can figure out who he is. I don't want any pathetic nutjob going around thinking he can be Bats, or hurt Bats. That's only for the select few, like me."

"And…what am I to do with Alice?" asked Tetch quietly.

Joker shrugged. "Take care of her. Or dump her in an orphanage if you don't wanna be burdened with a kid. I don't blame you if you don't - they can be quite the handful. But personally I believe mine are a joke worth keeping," he chuckled.

"But I don't know anything about children," replied Tetch.

"Aw, it ain't hard, Jervis," said Harley, smiling. "Mr. J and me didn't know nothing about kids either. But all you gotta do is love 'em. Do that, and they'll turn out all right, just like ours…"

The study wall exploded at that moment, sending debris flying everywhere. Joker peeked his head out to see J.J. waving at him. "It worked, Daddy!" he exclaimed happily.

"Atta boy, J.J.!" cried Joker, rushing over to pick him up and kiss him. "Who's my little genius? J.J. just built his first pipe bomb, Harl!" he said, smiling at her.

"Aw, baby, you're just as smart as your Daddy!" cooed Harley, rushing to embrace him. "Just as handsome, too," she said, kissing Joker.

"It's ok, Alice, it's just an explosion," said Arleen, who was trying to coax Alice out from behind the sofa. She had run and hid when the bomb went off, but now peered out cautiously. "Daddy says an explosion a day keeps the Bat away!"

"What…Bat?" stammered Alice, terrified.

"Batman," muttered Arleen, her eyes narrowing in hatred. "He's a bad, evil man. He tried to kidnap me and J.J., but J.J. shot him in the leg. And then Daddy threatened him. He told him to stay away from us or he'd kill him. And Daddy wasn't joking like he usually is."

"Batman…set my home on fire," murmured Alice. "I'm scared of him," she whispered, drawing her legs up behind the sofa.

"Aw, so am I, Alice," said Arleen, joining her. "But don't you worry. Daddy ain't gonna let anything happen to me or J.J. And Uncle Jervis ain't gonna let anything happen to you. Ain't that right, Uncle Jervis?" she asked, smiling as Tetch came over to them.

"That's right, Alice," he murmured. "I'll protect you from Batman, and from anyone else who tries to hurt you. You don't need to be afraid."

Alice slowly crawled out from behind the sofa and into his arms. He kissed her forehead tenderly. "I'm going to take you home, Alice," he murmured. "And you're going to be safe and sound. Nobody is ever going to hurt you again."

He reached into his jacket and handed her a small parcel. "I forgot to give you your present," he murmured. "I won't say Happy Birthday, but I do hope you like it."

Alice unwrapped it slowly to reveal a cuddly stuffed white rabbit. Her eyes filled with tears and she kissed his cheek gently. "Thank you, Uncle Jervis," she whispered, hugging it tightly.

Tetch embraced her and nodded at the Joker family. "I shall see you all soon. Goodnight. The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things – of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings…"

He recited the poem to Alice as he left, holding her gently in his arms. "Why would Batman wanna hurt Alice, Mommy?" asked Arleen, coming over to join the rest of her family.

"Because he's a monster, baby," murmured Harley, picking her up. "An evil, cruel, heartless monster. But don't you worry. Your Daddy and me ain't gonna let him hurt you. Not ever," she said, kissing her. Arleen hugged her tightly as Joker held J.J. in one arm and embraced Harley with the other. His normally smiling face was deadly serious.

"Not ever," he murmured.


	3. Chapter 3

**Twenty Years Later**

The bat signal shone brightly against the clear black sky. Damian Wayne glared at it from the passenger seat of the Batmobile, arms folded firmly across his chest, as he waited for Tim Drake to return. That was _his_ signal now – Tim had been Batman ever since Damian's father, Bruce Wayne, had retired about five years ago. Damian had wanted to assume his father's legacy then, but both Bruce and Tim had insisted that he needed a little more training first, and had assigned Damian to be Robin to Tim's Batman, since Dick Grayson was occupied in Bludhaven as Nightwing. Damian had resented it then, and he resented it now as he turned his eyes away from the mocking light and looked down at his uniform. Robin had always been stupid. What was the point of Batman having some kid sidekick, especially with such a dumb outfit? And Robin? What did birds have to do with bats, aside from the fact that they both flew? Couldn't his father have been any more creative with the name or persona of his sidekick? Maybe something to do with bats? Even Batboy would be preferable to Robin. Or Young Bat. Mini-Bat. Batman-in-training. There had to something cleverer than Robin – some joke, maybe, the way Joker had Harley Quinn…

The door opened at that moment and Tim climbed back in, starting the car. "Well?" asked Damian.

"I want you to sit this one out," said Tim, turning the car around and heading back in the direction of Wayne Manor. "Have some father-son time with your Dad instead."

"Why?" demanded Damian, furiously. "Who is it?"

Tim looked at him, and Damian knew suddenly. "Oh," he muttered. "But I can handle it, Tim, I promise..."

"Damian, I've been there," interrupted Tim. "I know what's it's like. I understand how you feel, but I also understand that you're in no fit state to fight…"

"It was ten years ago, Tim!" cried Damian. "I'm over it, I promise!"

"I believed you were, which is why I took you last time," agreed Tim. "But we both remember what happened then."

"It wasn't my fault!" snapped Damian. "I didn't do it on purpose, Tim, you gotta believe me!"

Tim sighed. "This isn't a game, Damian," he murmured. "People are going to get hurt…"

"I know all about the seriousness of this job, Tim!" snapped Damian. "I don't need your fancy Robin training for that! Batman is my inheritance, and my legacy! I've been training for it my whole life, ever since I learned who my father was! And it's not right that I'm not Batman now, just because you and Dad think I can't handle it! And it's definitely not right for you to exclude me from a mission where I could be of some help because of something that happened ten years ago!"

Tim stopped the car suddenly. "Has your Dad told you about Jason Todd?" he demanded.

Damian sighed, rolling his eyes. "Yes, Tim, everyone knows that story."

"About how he wanted more than Bruce was letting him have, how he became over-confident and arrogant and thought higher of his own abilities than he should have? You remember what happened to him?"

"Joker beat him to death with a crowbar, and then blew him up," muttered Damian. "I know."

"Neither Bruce nor I wants that to happen to you," muttered Tim, starting the car again. "So stop acting like Jason, unless you want to end up like him."

Damian sighed heavily. "I don't want to feel like I deserve better, Tim," he muttered. "But I do. And it's so frustrating to know that you're capable of something and then have people deny your talents when you know they're there."

"I know," murmured Tim. "It's hard to be Robin. Believe me, I know. But it's an important stage, Damian. I wouldn't be the man I am today without first being Bruce's Robin. He taught me that sometimes you have to just accept the wisdom of your elders and betters, no matter how unfair it may seem at the time. They're only trying to protect you."

"You're not that much older than me," muttered Damian.

"No, but Bruce is," agreed Tim. "And I know he'd be on my side about this."

Damian sighed again, looking out the window. "I don't wanna go home," he muttered. "If you won't let me come with you, let me at least patrol the streets instead. I'm sure I can do that without you there to protect me. Joker won't be out there wielding crowbars anymore, after all."

Tim looked at him for a moment and then sighed in resignation, pulling the car over. "All right. But be careful, Damian. If anything happened to you, Bruce would never forgive me. He loves you."

"Must be nice to know that," muttered Damian as Tim drove off. He shot his grappling hook to the roof of the building and then watched the direction the Batmobile had taken. He raced after it, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, and had the advantage of speed in the twisting streets. The car pulled up in front of a deserted apartment complex, and Tim stepped out, entering the front doors. Damian lifted up the hatch in the roof and climbed slowly into the building, looking around. It was total darkness inside, except for the sliver of moonlight shining its way through the window.

Suddenly Damian was struck on the head from behind. He fell as a voice murmured, "Poor little Bat's got a boo boo. I do hope he recovers, but I wouldn't bet on it!"

And Damian lost consciousness to the sound of hysterical, maniaical laughter.


	4. Chapter 4

When he opened his eyes, it was still dark, and he was tied up. But in the glow from the dim moonlight, he could make out a figure dressed in a purple suit and tailcoat, with a black shirt, red bowtie, and green hair. Long green hair, he realized, as the figure approached him, pushing it out of her face as she bent down to look at him. It was a woman, a woman he recognized, despite the clown makeup she was wearing. She had been smiling broadly, but that turned into a frown when she saw him. "Damian?" she murmured.

"Hi, Leenie," he whispered.

She looked at him, and then suddenly whipped out a knife. He was relieved when she used it to cut the ropes that bound him, and then sheathed it again, standing up.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she muttered.

"Looking for you," he said, rubbing his wrists as he stood up. "Tim's after you."

"I know. I thought you were him," she said. "Sorry about the bump," she added, nodding at his head.

"It's fine," he said, feeling the back of his head. "I'll live. Lucky you hit like a girl," he added, smiling.

"Don't mock me, Damian, or I'll break your neck," she murmured. "I should do that anyway, and leave you for Tim to find. A broken little Robin with broken little wings," she said, grinning at him.

"Don't mock _me_," retorted Damian. "You know this isn't what I want. Nothing about my life has turned out the way I wanted it to," he murmured, looking at her.

"Yeah, well, whose fault's that, Damian?" she retorted.

"My father's," he whispered. "And yours."

Her knife was out again suddenly, the blade held tightly against his throat. "Don't you speak a word against my father!" she hissed. "It's your father's fault, all of it, as usual! Everything has always been his fault!"

"Is that what your father told you?" demanded Damian. "I don't worship Bruce the way you do your Dad, but I understand why my Dad did what he did. Why he fought for the things that were important to him, and that he believed in. That's all any of us can do. That's what I'm doing right now," he murmured, gazing at her.

She gazed back. He tentatively leaned forward and brought his lips to hers. She returned the kiss, dropping the knife and sliding her arms around his neck as she pulled him closer to her.

He pushed her away suddenly. "We don't have time…you have to get out of here, Leenie," he whispered. "Tim's on his way. I don't want to see you arrested again."

"Hey, I'm a big girl now, Damian," murmured Arleen, smiling at him. "I can take care of myself."

"That doesn't mean I don't wanna help," replied Damian, holding out his hand. She took it and he slid an arm around her waist as he grappled up to the ceiling. They climbed up onto the roof and looked around at the city below them.

"Now run, Leenie, please," murmured Damian. "I care about you so much. I don't want to see Tim hurt you again."

"He's gonna get suspicious if you keep letting me get away like this," murmured Arleen.

"He already is," retorted Damian. "I had to follow him this time – he wouldn't let me come when he found out it was you who had planted those bombs. I wish you'd give up this ridiculous crusade, Leenie…"

"Give up my father's work?" interrupted Arleen. "Can you?"

Damian was silent. "I didn't think so," she muttered. "Maybe we're doing it for different reasons – I love my Daddy, and I know how important it is to him that there's a Joker fighting Batman in Gotham City. I'm doing it outta love, because I wanna make him happy and see him smile. I'm like my mother in that respect. You're doing it because…" She trailed off, looking at him. "I dunno."

"I'm doing it because it's what I'm destined to do," murmured Damian. "We all have a destiny that we can't escape. I'm my father's son. My father was Batman. Therefore my destiny is to be Batman."

"It doesn't have to be," she murmured quietly. "You could come with me, Damian, and…"

"And what?" he interrupted. "Your father would welcome me into the family with open arms? Batman's son? You've got his cruel sense of humor down pat, I'll say that for you, Leenie."

Her eyes filled with tears. "So what are we going to do?" she whispered. "Just keep playing the game night after night, a game that you don't want to play? I don't want to hurt you, Damian. I don't want you to be my enemy."

"I'm not," he whispered. "You have to believe that, Leenie. I'll never be your enemy."

She looked at him as the tears trickled down her face, and then hugged him tightly. "I…I think…I love you," stammered Damian in her ear.

She drew back, gazing at him with her mother's wide, blue eyes. "What?" she whispered.

"I said…I'll never be your enemy," he murmured.

"But I am," said a voice. They both whirled around to see Tim standing on the roof opposite them. "I'm the enemy of everyone who sets out to hurt innocent people."

"Tim…don't…" began Damian, but Arleen had already whipped out several knives, throwing them in his direction. Tim dodged them, leaping over and trying to grab Arleen, who jumped out of his way, punching him hard in the face. Tim grabbed her arm, bending it back, and she screamed, kicking out against him. He reeled back in pain, but then grabbed her other arm, managing to handcuff her despite her struggling.

Tim looked up, glaring at Damian, and then snapped, "Let's go."

The ride to the police station in the Batmobile was an utterly silent one. Nobody spoke a word as Tim drove, scowling, and Damian cast anxious glances at Arleen, who kept her glaring eyes firmly fixed on the floor.

Tim handed Arleen over to the guards at the station. Damian stood next to him, watching her being taken away with his heart breaking. "You have the right to remain silent," said one of the guards. "If you choose to give up this right, anything you say can and will be used against you…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know all that," interrupted Arleen. "I ain't new at this, y'know, but I do just wanna say one thing." She looked up and met Damian's eyes. "Never love anyone except your family," she muttered. "That's what my parents taught me. Feelings are for the weak, junior. Get over it."

Damian stared after her as she was dragged off. "Oh, and hey, I want my phone call!" snapped Arleen. "And I want it now!"

The guards escorted her over to the telephone. She picked it up and dialled a number, and then smiled when she heard the voice on the other end. "J.J.? Hi, it's me. I've been attacked again by a couple of Bat-brains who don't know when to quit. When can you come get me? Ok, I can wait a couple hours while you turn the plane around. I'll check out the prison library, although I don't think I'll be spending enough time in here to make use of it." She laughed and grinned. "Aw, I love you too, J.J.! See you soon."

She put down the phone, beaming. "I'll be outta here in a bit! See ya later, Bat-brain!" she called. "And bye bye, Boy Wonder!"

Damian had always hated Robin's nickname. But he had never hated it as much as he did now, as he heard Arleen's mocking, hysterical laughter fading away down the hall.


	5. Chapter 5

Tim and Damian remained silent on the drive back to Wayne Manor. They got out of the Batmobile in the Batcave and climbed the stairs still not speaking. Once they'd emerged in Wayne Manor, Damian tried to head off to his room, but Tim grabbed his arm. "No. We're gonna have a talk with Bruce."

"I'm don't feel like talking to him…"

"Christ, Damian, there are more important things in this world than your feelings!" shouted Tim, furiously. "Or are you really too self-absorbed to understand that?! I want you to talk to a man who gave up everything to protect this city – maybe he can help you understand the value of sacrifice."

"The value of sacrifice," repeated Damian, contemptuously, as he followed Tim down the long corridors of Wayne Manor. "What is that, Tim? A big old empty house? A crippled old man alone, sitting in front of the fire and remembering how things used to be? Is that life worth sacrificing everything for?"

Tim struck him hard across the face. "Don't you say another word against your father!" he hissed. "Or I'll hurt you. You don't know how lucky you are to have his blood in your veins, the blood of a hero. And you live up to that gift by acting like a spoiled brat?"

"You know anything about heroes, Tim?" demanded Damian. "You know any kinda mythology? Read about the Greeks, the Romans, the Norse? No, you're not the reading type. Too much time spent at the gym for that," he said, scornfully. "Well, here's something you gotta understand about those heroes. They were all selfish, vain, egotists who knew how great they were and bragged about it. And they were all cursed. Odysseus bragged to Poseidon that he was the greatest hero on earth, and was doomed to wander the seas for twenty years, leaving his wife and son to languish in his absence. Hercules was driven to murder his wife and children, and had to do twelve labors to assuage his guilt. Beowulf defeated Grendal, his mother, and a dragon, and died alone for his effort. Heroism sounds like a curse to me. Feels like one too."

Tim glared at him but didn't respond. He opened the door to Bruce's study and they entered.

Bruce Wayne sat in his armchair, his gaze shifting between the blazing fire and the portrait of his parents hanging above the mantle. He held his cane in his hand – he needed it to walk ever since the bullet wound in his leg had become infected. Otherwise he was in good physical condition, although his face was lined with wrinkles, and his formerly jet black hair had turned an iron gray. He heard the door open but didn't turn around, although his dog Ace lifted its head from its master's lap and looked curiously at Tim and Damian. He growled contentedly, resting his head again as Bruce petted him calmly.

"Did you find out who the bomber was?" he murmured.

Tim nodded. "Yeah. Arleen Joker."

"And did you catch her this time?" asked Bruce.

"Yeah," repeated Tim. "Yeah, she's in prison…"

"But not for long," murmured Bruce. "She never is, with the way her brother owns the law. The way he bribes every judge and jury and still gets away with it makes you lose all faith in the justice system. I guess that's why the people need Batman."

Tim nodded. "Um…Bruce…a situation has arisen with Arleen…and Damian."

Bruce turned slowly at this, looking from Tim to his son. "What situation?" he asked quietly.

"I found them…together on the roof," murmured Tim. "He said he…would never be her enemy. He said…"

"I said I think I loved her," interrupted Damian. "And I mean it."

Bruce looked at him, his face unreadable as always. Then he said, "Tim, could you leave us, please?"

Tim nodded and obeyed, shutting the door after him. "Sit down, Damian," murmured Bruce, nodding at the chair opposite him.

"I prefer to stand," retorted Damian.

"Ok," said Bruce. He didn't speak again for a long time, petting Ace absently. "I know…you liked her when you were at school together," murmured Bruce slowly. "I didn't interfere then, because I thought it was just a phase, something you'd grow out of. But it's been ten years, Damian…"

"You don't stop caring about people just because time passes," murmured Damian. "I thought you of all people would understand that, Dad," he said, nodding at the painting of Bruce's parents.

"This is different," murmured Bruce. "You have to understand that she's…bad. Her whole family is, a bunch of insane, murdering, heartless monsters…"

"Oh, I'm not about to defend the Joker's sanity," interrupted Damian. "Or argue that he's not heartless. But say what you want about him, the fact remains that after all these years, he and Harley Quinn are still together. I guess they loved each other enough to stay together through thick and thin. And yet here you are, all alone. You don't even speak to my mother anymore. So who's the heartless one now, Dad?"

"I have always done what I judged to be right…" began Bruce.

"And look where that's got you," retorted Damian. "I don't want to end up like you, Dad, sacrificing everything and everyone close to me for this ungrateful town! I can't be blamed for having feelings, or loving people, or wanting to be loved…"

"You can when you are trying to be something more than a man," interrupted Bruce. "And you are. You are trying to be Batman. Batman puts justice and right before his own personal feelings. And he most certainly does not fall in love with criminals, nor let his love for them allow them to elude justice. The Joker was always a very intelligent man, and I'm sure his daughter is the same. Now that she knows you have feelings for her, she'll play upon those feelings for her own selfish ends…"

"She's not like that, Dad!" cried Damian. "You don't know her!"

"I know the Joker!" he shouted, suddenly furious. Ace was startled at his anger and began whining. "And I know his son! It was his bullet that crippled me! That whole family lives for violence and mayhem and sick, twisted jokes! That's all that matters to them! Even if Arleen isn't like that, which I doubt, considering she stabbed Tim in the arm once, can you honestly tell me that if she informs her father that Batman's son is in love with her, he could resist making a horrible gag out of it?! That he could resist using her to hurt you and me, because he's always thought that hurting Batman is the funniest thing in the world?! And can you honestly tell me that she'd refuse her father if he wanted that?!"

Damian avoided his gaze. "She loves her father…very much," he murmured. He looked up at him and scowled. "Must be nice."

Bruce looked back at him coldly. "I'm glad to be proved right, anyway," he muttered. "You're not fit to be Batman. And unless you start trying to understand what being a hero is all about, you never will be."

Damian glared at him. "She asked me to come with her tonight," he murmured. "To run away from Gotham, to leave this city of night and horror behind. To leave Batman behind. And God, I wish I had said yes."

He stormed from the room. Bruce gazed after him as Ace continued to whine, and stroked him. Ace nuzzled him as Bruce looked up at the picture of his parents, remembering a day ten years ago, when Damian had come home in tears. Bruce had tried talking to him, but he was furious at him. "It's your fault, all your fault!" he kept shouting. Alfred had succeeded in calming Damian at last (Bruce missed his faithful butler's gentle strength and comfort more than he could say) and the boy had managed to explain that he had been out on a date with Arleen when her father suddenly appeared, grabbing her and dragging her into the car. "You stay away from my little girl!" the Joker had shouted at him. "And tell all your freak family to do the same, or I'll kill each and every one of 'em, starting with your jerk of a father!" Damian had broken down again after relating it, and just kept screaming at Bruce, "It's your fault! I hate you! I hate you!"

It was terrible thing for any child to say to its parents. It was even more terrible for Bruce, who lost his parents so young, and had longed every single day since then to be able to tell them how much he loved them again. He looked up at the picture, and then buried his face in his hands. Ace lay on his knee and whimpered.


	6. Chapter 6

"J.J.! J.J.! Could you give us a moment, please, J.J.? Just a quick interview…" screamed the mass of reporters as J.J. emerged from his limousine. He and his sister dressed identically in public, down to the green hair and clown makeup, but this didn't deter the female reporters in the group, who almost literally fought each other to get close to him.

He beamed at them and laughed. "All right, ladies, just because you're all so pretty," he said, winking at one of the female reporters. "But make it a quickie!" he chuckled.

"Do you maintain your sister's innocence in all charges, despite the numerous arrests?" asked one.

"Of course I do," retorted J.J. "I know my baby sister, and she simply doesn't have the heart to hurt anyone. If you want to know why she keeps getting arrested, I suggest you look at the people who keep bringing her in. I mean, who really trusts some nut in a bat costume? And when is the law going to do its job properly and lock up the freaks like the Bat who deserve it? Isn't it enough that he persecuted my parents without trying to ruin the lives of the rest of my family?"

"Your parents, after months of litigations several years previously, succeeded in having their criminal records wiped clean, and were deemed not only free, but sane. Do you still deny that their freedom was basically bought by substantial bribes to those in high office, and do you deny that the same thing has happened previously with regards to your sister?"

"As I said at the time, my entire family has always had the highest amount of respect for the legal system and all its workings," replied J.J. "And my lawyer has always been the best of the best ever since he served as Gotham's DA all those years ago, before his unfortunate accident which the Batman failed to prevent, although he had no qualms attacking the victim of that accident repeatedly. The reason we all hold the vigilante Batman in so much contempt is because of his blatant disregard for the system, and due process. My parents won their freedom because the law decided that they deserved to be free. I won't argue with justice – I'm not crazy like Batman."

"But you're confident your sister will go free?"

"Like I said, I believe in justice. It's only right that she does, and I have absolute faith that Harvey Dent will see justice done. There's no better lawyer and, if I may say so, no better man than my Uncle Two-Face, my father always excepted, of course."

"Your sister has been granted bail – how is she doing?"

"Oh, she's still a little shaken from her completely unprovoked attack by a lunatic in a bat costume, but she'll recover. If she doesn't, I'll make him pay. Nobody hurts my baby sister. We're heading out for dinner tonight, but I won't tell you where so there's no nasty paparazzi surprise! You're harder to shake than a concrete maraca!" he chuckled.

"Not going to be seen out with one of your numerous girlfriends tonight?"

"Hey, fun's fun, but family comes first," retorted J.J. "And there are plenty of hours in the evening," he added, chuckling. "Anyway, Sam and me have got a late night planned, haven't we, Sam?" he asked, grinning at his attractive blonde PA who was standing next to him. "Lots of hard work to do."

"J.J. has multiple appointments scheduled for tonight," murmured Sam, smiling at him.

"Is it true you're dating socialite Betty Vreeland?"

"Yeah, but don't tell her sister," retorted J.J. "Or her mother."

Everyone laughed. "And can you confirm that you and the actress Candice Hagan are also seeing each other?"

"Candy's a sweet kid," said J.J., nodding. "I won't confirm or deny that, but I will reveal that she tastes as good as her name suggests. Now excuse me, ladies, I really must be going…"

He pressed through the crowd of reporters to reach the door of hotel. "J.J., can I give you my number?" asked the reporter he had winked at.

"I'm not gonna give you an interview, sweetheart…" he began.

"It's my personal number," she interrupted, grinning. "Just…gimme a call sometime."

He looked from the card to her, and then took it. "Talk to you soon, baby," he chuckled, putting the card into his pocket. The doors shut behind him and Sam, blocking out the sea of reporters.

"Uncle Two-Face!" exclaimed J.J., as he met him in the hotel lobby. Two-Face held out his arms and hugged him. He looked older, but had turned into a bit of a silver fox - still the handsome man he had always been, at least on one half of his face.

"How ya doing, kid?" he asked. "How're your parents?"

"Good, last we talked," replied J.J., pulling out a cigar and lighting it. "I haven't told them about Leenie's arrest yet – don't wanna bother them with trivialities." He exhaled a cloud of smoke. "It is a triviality, isn't it, Uncle Two-Face?"

"Oh yeah, everyone's gonna be very…cooperative, as far as I can tell," said Two-Face, nodding.

"Oh, sorry, Uncle, do you know my new PA?" asked J.J. "Sam, this is Uncle Two-Face. Uncle Two-Face, Sam."

"Call me Harvey," replied Two-Face, smiling at her. "Geez, J.J., it's hard to keep track of all your…PAs sometimes," he murmured. "Didn't you have another one last month?"

"Oh yeah, but she wasn't very flexible," retorted J.J. "Scheduling wise, of course," he added, grinning at him. "Sam's much better at bending."

Two-Face smiled. "I was like that at your age," he said, clapping him on the back. "Good to see you're having fun, kiddo."

"That's what Daddy-o says," agreed J.J. "Although don't tell Mommy – she still thinks I'm her innocent little boy, and I hate to ruin her delusion like that," he said, puffing on his cigar.

"Yeah, Harley always had a lotta delusions," agreed Two-Face, sighing. "Well, I'll leave you two to go…um…squeeze in some appointments while I prepare for the hearing on Monday. I'll need to see both you and Leenie about an hour before, if that's ok."

"We'll be there, Uncle, don't worry," said J.J., smiling at him. "Sam, write that down, will you?"

"Oh…yeah, J.J., sir," she stammered, looking around for a pen. She searched through her bag but didn't appear to have one. "I'll remember," she said, shrugging.

"Great PA," said Two-Face, grinning at him. "See ya later, kid."

J.J. watched him leave with a smile, and then turned back to Sam. "Well, I got about three hours before I gotta go pick up Leenie for dinner. Got any ideas on how to fill up my schedule, Sam?"

"Yeah, a couple actually," she murmured. "Follow me, J.J."

The elevator stopped outside the suite J.J. had requested, and Sam opened the door for him to reveal a spacious, luxurious room. She took his hand and pulled him across the room, opening the door to the bedroom. There were two other attractive women sitting on the bed in very revealing clothing, one holding a bottle of scotch, and the other a box of cigars.

"Oh, Sam," sighed J.J., turning to her and beaming. "You're so much better than my last PA! Hello, ladies, got a joke for you!" he chuckled, pulling Sam in after him and shutting the door. "Why do clowns wear big shoes? Well, you're about to find out…"


	7. Chapter 7

"You were awfully quiet at dinner," said J.J. casually as he sat in the back of the limousine with Arleen. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah. Just tired, J.J.," Arleen murmured, staring out the window.

He glanced at her. "You're sure? Daddy-o wouldn't like the look of that frown, y'know. He always wants his favorite daughter to be smiling. Did something happen the few hours you were in prison? I got back as soon as I could, but I was on my way to Hawaii…"

"No," she murmured. "I'm sorry I ruined your vacation, though."

He shrugged. "I'll go after you're released. Sam just said she'd never seen a volcano before, so I thought I'd take her to see one, hopefully while it's erupting. And if I can't make that into a joke, I'd better give up the comedy gig now!" he chuckled.

"This your latest girlfriend?" asked Arleen. "Should I bother meeting her?"

"Oh, she'll last a few more months, probably," agreed J.J. "You can meet her if you wanna. She's nice enough. Not the brightest bulb in the shed, but then I don't pick 'em for their brains," he laughed.

"And have you and Daddy lifted my dating ban yet?" asked Arleen, sarcastically. "After that fiasco with Damian all those years ago, I've been scared to even look at another guy in case my father shows up and kidnaps me."

"I don't think he was overreacting," retorted J.J. "You had a lucky escape. Thank God I found out who Batman really was before his kid could hurt you."

"Damian wouldn't have hurt me," murmured Arleen. "He's not like that."

"He's Batman's son," replied J.J. "They're all the same, the Bat family. Completely bats," he giggled, looking at Arleen. She didn't laugh and he shrugged. "I thought you of all people would understand that, Leenie, with the way he attacks you…"

"That's Tim, not Damian," snapped Arleen. "And you can't judge everyone by their parents. Just because we wanna be like Mommy and Daddy doesn't mean that everyone else does."

J.J. was silent. "You know Daddy-o and I are just trying to protect you, don't you?" he murmured. "We don't want anything to happen to you, and men can treat women so terribly..."

"Like yourself, J.J.?" she asked.

"Precisely," he agreed, nodding. "I find a new woman every week. And, well, y'know Daddy-o ain't always been the most tender man to Mommy…"

"She loves him, though," murmured Arleen.

"Yeah," he agreed. "But my point is that Daddy-o and I know how horrible men can be to women. We have personal experience of it. And the last thing we wanna do is see the girl we both love beyond reason get hurt by some selfish bastard of a guy. But it's not like we've actually banned you from dating – you can date any guy you wanna, you know that. Just as long as you're ok with either Daddy-o or me killing him if he hurts you."

"Not any guy," murmured Arleen.

J.J. looked at her tenderly. "Are you still hung up on him?" he murmured gently.

"No," she snapped. "No, of course not. He's a Bat, like you said, and they're all crazy. Anyway, you and I both know better than to love people."

"I love _you_," he said.

She smiled. "I mean outside the family, obviously. You can't trust other people. And Mommy always said love hurts."

"She also said it was worth it," he retorted. "Can't speak for or against it myself, but I'd be willing to trust Mommy."

"And wouldn't you be willing to trust Daddy when he says feelings are for the weak?" asked Arleen.

J.J. was silent. "You shouldn't take everything Daddy-o says seriously, Leenie," he murmured. "He doesn't."

They had reached her apartment complex and J.J. got out, opening the door for her and helping her out. "Do you want me to see you inside?" he asked.

"I'll be fine, J.J.," she retorted. "But thanks for the lift. And for dinner. And for bail," she added, grinning.

"What are slightly older twin brothers for?" he asked, smiling at her. "I'll be back to pick you up around eight on Monday morning."

She nodded and hugged him tightly. "Goodnight, J.J.," she murmured, kissing his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too, Leenie," he whispered, kissing her forehead tenderly. "Now get some rest and try to feel better."

"I will," she promised.

"And how about a nice, big smile?" he asked.

She grinned at him. "See you soon, J.J.," she said.

"Say hi to Cousin Alice for me!" he called.

"She's staying with Uncle Jervis this week," said Arleen, turning back and smiling. "But you know you don't have a chance with her anyway, right? How many years have you been trying?"

He shrugged. "Never say never, that's always been my motto," he said, grinning.

She headed inside, climbing the stairs to the apartment slowly, hunting for the key in her bag. She unlocked her door and immediately sensed something wasn't right. Her hand reached for the gun concealed in her jacket as she slowly scanned the apartment she usually shared with her cousin Alice, who was now legally Alice Tetch after Jervis Tetch had adopted her twenty years ago. Alice was away this week, as she had told J.J., and had taken her cat Dinah with her, so the apartment was empty of all signs of life.

Then she noticed the figure on the balcony and suddenly relaxed.

"Is the costume meant to impress me?" she asked.

"It was meant to make my father think Tim was the one leaving the Batcave tonight, rather than me," said Damian as he pulled off the Batman mask. "But I heard you got bail and I wanted to see how you were doing."

"Fine," she retorted, folding her arms across her chest. "So now that you've seen that, you can go. How did you even find out where I lived? Did a little stalking with your Bat-computer?"

"I followed J.J.'s limo," retorted Damian. "He's never been the most subtle of guys."

"Like Daddy," agreed Arleen, nodding. She looked at him. "You're lucky my cousin is away this week. If you showed up dressed like that with her here, she'd try to cut off your head."

"I'm sorry?" asked Damian, puzzled.

"My cousin, Alice Tetch," retorted Arleen. "She thinks Batman killed her parents. She's also got a bit of an obsession with the _Alice in Wonderland _books – gets that from our Uncle Jervis. So like the Queen of Hearts, she's vowed if she ever gets her hands on Batman, it's off with his head," she said, smiling at him.

"Why…does she think Batman killed her parents?" asked Damian quietly.

Arleen shrugged. "Because apparently some guy who was dressed like him burned her house down about twenty years ago. She thinks it was Batman, but I know your father never would have killed anyone. And fortunately we've never revealed who Batman really is to anyone outside my immediate family, so your father's safe from Alice's axe."

"Did you ever find out who was impersonating Dad?" asked Damian.

Arleen shrugged again. "Some crazy nutjob. As far as we know, Batman's never attacked anyone like that again, so it must have been a one-off thing by some psycho. There are all kindsa weirdos around these days. I blame your father for that."

"I blame _your_ father for that," retorted Damian.

"My father used to keep the psychos in line," retorted Arleen. "Made sure nobody came between him and the Bat. Since he left, Gotham hasn't been the same. Ask anyone."

"I…didn't come here to talk about your father," murmured Damian. "Or mine."

"Why did you come here?" she asked. "You've seen I'm no worse the wear from my few hours in prison. I appreciate the thought, but you can go now."

"I wanted to talk with you," he said. "I…meant what I said on the roof, Leenie."

"What? That you're not my enemy? I'm glad to hear it. But I doubt Tim has forgiven me for stabbing him in the arm…"

"Not that, although that is true. The part about…loving you."

Arleen looked at him. "You love a psychotic clown girl who dresses up in a purple suit, laughs maniacally, and kills people? May I ask why?"

"That's not the part of you I love," he murmured.

"Well, that's who I am," she retorted. "I promised my father I'd dedicate my life to carrying on his work. And you promised your father you'd dedicate your life to stopping crime in Gotham. It doesn't matter how we feel about each other. We can't break our promises."

"I would break every promise I ever made for you," murmured Damian. "To my father, Batman was the most important thing in the world. But it's not to me, Leenie. You are."

She studied him. "You're asking me to betray my father by not only giving up his work, but entering into a relationship with the son of his greatest enemy? I told you, Damian, I don't love anyone but my family. And I could never hurt them like that, not even for you."

"But do you…care about me, Leenie?" he asked. "At all?"

She gazed at him, and shrugged. "I wouldn't wanna see you dead, if that's what you mean."

"You kissed me back," he murmured. "I felt the feeling in that kiss. I think you meant it. I don't think you're heartless enough to fake it. I just want you to say it."

"What?" she demanded.

"That you love me," he murmured.

"I don't love you," she retorted.

He nodded slowly. "Ok, Leenie. I have to believe you. I'll go," he said, turning away.

He was surprised when he felt her hand on his shoulder, turning him back around to face her. He was even more surprised when she pressed her mouth tenderly into his, kissing him gently.

"I don't love you," she repeated. "But I wouldn't wanna see you dead, Damian. Not for anything in the world."

He smiled. "High praise indeed from a Joker," he murmured.

"The highest," she agreed, smiling. "Now get back home before Tim finds out he's got nothing to wear on his patrol tonight."

"We'll be at the hearing," he murmured. "All of us – Dad too. I would say good luck, but…I don't think you need it."

"No. My brother is very good," agreed Arleen. "People don't tend to say no to him. Especially women. And it just so happens that the judge is female."

"There must be some sort of Joker charm that makes him irresistable," murmured Damian, grinning.

"Runs in the family," she replied, smiling at him.

He kissed her softly again. "Goodnight, Leenie. I suddenly feel that the world is a much happier place."

"That runs in the family too," replied Leenie, nodding. "We Jokers live to spread joy and laughter."

"Then you're a credit to their name," he murmured. "I certainly won't stop smiling tonight."

She watched him fly off and grinned. "Neither will I," she murmured.


	8. Chapter 8

"Sell…sell…sell…look I gotta go to my sister's hearing – can I give you to my PA? Sam, take care of these stocks for me, would ya?" asked J.J., shoving the phone at her.

"But I dunno anything about stocks, J.J…" she began, taking the phone from him.

"Just say sell – it ain't difficult," he retorted. "And if he asks if you wanna buy anything, just say yes. I know you're good at that," he chuckled, slapping her bottom.

The door to courthouse opened and J.J. looked up, expecting to see Two-Face. But it wasn't Two-Face who entered. It was Bruce Wayne, walking steadily despite his limp, followed by Tim and Damian.

J.J. grinned. "Well, as I live and breathe!" he chuckled, lighting his cigar. "What's the Wayne family doing at my sister's hearing? But oh, I forgot," he said, in mock surprise. "You've always had a mild interest in crime, haven't you, Brucie? Ever since your parents got shot, wasn't it? I hear it became an unhealthy obsession of yours, and got you into trouble in the end, just like all obsessions," he giggled. "Maybe that'll teach you to stick your pointy nose in where it don't belong. Shame that you had to pass on your obsession to your little kiddies," he said, smiling at Tim and Damian. "Or should that be birdies?"

Bruce glared at him. "Laugh all you want, J.J.," he muttered. "You'll find out too late that crime doesn't pay."

J.J. laughed hysterically. "Crime doesn't pay! Oh, that's a good one, Brucie! And Daddy-o always said you had no sense of humor!" he chuckled. "No, that was a joke worthy of him, crime doesn't pay!"

He broke down laughing again. "J.J., your phone's beeping!" cried Sam, holding it away from her ear suddenly.

"Oh yeah, that means it's gonna explode," said J.J., nodding.

She shrieked, dropping it to the ground. "That was a joke, Sam," he sighed, bending down to pick it up. "It means I've got another call, you dumb blonde. Now this one's got no sense of humor, Brucie," he chuckled, nodding at Sam as he put the phone to his ear. "Hello? Daddy-o, speak of devil! I was just talking about you with an old friend of yours here. Guess. You must be psychic, Daddy-o, it_ is_ a certain Dork Knight!"

He laughed, handing the phone to Bruce. "Daddy-o wants to talk to you," he said, grinning.

Bruce took the phone from him and growled, "Hello?" through gritted teeth.

"Have you been missing me, Batsy?" chuckled the Joker. "I know I've been missing you! You never call, you never write – if I didn't know better, I'd think I didn't mean anything to you at all! Why don't you come visit me on my island sometime? We never see each other anymore, and it's a shame, after all we've been through together! I'll have Harley prepare the jacuzzi for you! I see you as a jacuzzi kinda guy! And then we can sit out on the beach watching the sunset and enjoying margaritas – it'll be so romantic!" he giggled.

"I have nothing to say to you," muttered Bruce, about to hand the phone back to J.J.

"Aw, at least use the Batman voice on me, Bats!" exclaimed Joker. "It's been so long since I heard it! You gotta admit, it was pretty decent of me not to spread your identity around to the other freaks. No fun in a gag everybody knows the punchline to. Y'see, you could have told me a long time ago – I would've kept your secret. I'm a trustworthy guy!"

"You are, and always have been, an evil, heartless, murdering psychopath," muttered Bruce. "I don't care what the law says."

"When have you ever done that?" chuckled Joker. "Aw, but I do love it when you talk dirty, Batsy! You should be thanking me and J.J. for proving what you've always believed – the law's completely useless. That's why the world needs Batman. Batman always gets it right, doesn't he? He always wins."

"You can't escape justice forever…"

"Oh, blah, blah, blah. Don't waste my time boring me with platitudes, Bats – you'll make me late for my spa treatment. Look, I gotta head out, but I just wanted to check with J.J. that he and Harvey are taking good care of my baby girl. Make sure the trial goes quick and that my kids are safely outta there and away from you before dark. Not that I don't trust you, Bats, but kids do have a tendency to end up dead around you, y'know."

Bruce felt his hands shaking in fury as Joker laughed at him, and shoved the phone back at J.J. without another word. "Think Brucie's all talked out, Daddy-o," chuckled J.J. "Oh, but you missed it! He finally told a joke. He said, get this, crime doesn't pay!"

J.J. started laughing hysterically again, echoing his father. "Yeah, I knew you'd love it! Ok, I'll give you a call after the hearing and let you talk to Leenie. Yeah, she's fine. I will. Ok. Love to Mommy! Talk to you soon, Daddy-o!"

He hung up the phone and replaced it in his pocket as Two-Face entered the building. "J.J…Bruce," he said, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"My…son used to go to school with Arleen," muttered Bruce. "He's concerned about her."

"Tried to date her once too," muttered J.J., puffing on his cigar as he glared at Damian. "Which I hope he learned his lesson about."

"I'm a real slow learner sometimes," retorted Damian, glaring back at J.J.

"Well…good to see you again, Bruce, anyway," murmured Two-Face. "You look…good."

"Don't lie to me, Harvey – we're too old friends for that," retorted Bruce. "I look old and crippled."

"What happened to your leg, if you don't mind my asking?" said Two-Face.

Bruce looked coldly at J.J., who smiled back. "A…hunting accident."

"I bet it taught you to be more careful about what kinda game you tangle with though, huh, Brucie?" asked J.J., beaming at him. "Can't judge things by their size. Well, that's not strictly true – ask Sam," he chuckled.

"I'm…sorry," said Two-Face, slowly. He gazed at Bruce tenderly and then said, "Um…if you ever wanna…talk, you know you can always give me a call. Might be good to catch up."

"Thanks, Harvey, but…I prefer to be alone these days," murmured Bruce.

Two-Face shrugged, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a card. "Offer's there if you need it," he said, handing it to him. "Now c'mon, J.J., we gotta get in there. See you later, Bruce."

Bruce waited for them to disappear into the courtroom, and then slowly followed them, leaning heavily on his cane.


	9. Chapter 9

"…it's very simple, your honor. A fifty-fifty choice. Heads, you can uphold the law and justice in Gotham and release my client, or, tails, you can bow to lawlessness and vigilantism and put your faith in a man who has been found guilty of attacking an incredible number of innocent people, myself included," said Two-Face, flipping his coin. "The police misguidedly keep trusting him and arresting the unfortunate victims he brings in, but they only serve the law. You're the one charged with carrying out justice, not some lunatic in a Halloween costume. Finding my client guilty is tantamount to admitting you applaud his actions and agree with his self-appointed style of justice, which obviously goes against the oath you made to uphold the law in this city. The defense rests, and leaves you to make you fifty-fifty choice, your honor. Justice or Batman. Heads or tails."

Bruce knew what the verdict was going to be even before Two-Face had finished speaking. He clutched his cane, his knuckles white as he glared at J.J., sitting calmly in the audience and smiling and waving at his sister. During Two-Face's speech about Batman, J.J. had turned around and grinned smugly at Bruce with his father's smile, and Bruce could feel his cane snapping from the pressure he was putting on it.

The judge stood up. "In light of the lack of evidence given, added to the fact that the arrest was not made by a member of any official law enforcement, I have no choice but to release Miss Joker and name her innocent of all charges, and to issue a stern warning to Batman, whomever he may be – the justice system in Gotham will no longer tolerate your relentless persecution of innocent people. Cease and desist immediately, or the law will ensure that action will be taken against you. That is all I have to say."

Arleen raced out of the witness box and straight into the arms of her brother, hugging him fiercely. "There ain't been a judge yet who'll convict a Joker!" chuckled J.J., clasping her tightly. She glanced up at the gallery where Damian sat, but then returned to embracing her brother.

Bruce stood up slowly, fury consuming him. He maintained a calm exterior, however, as he, Tim, and Damian made their way down the gallery steps and into the courtroom.

Arleen was on the phone to her parents. "Hi, Daddy! Yes, I'm free. I'm fine, Daddy, really! No, he didn't even bruise me. I know you would. I love you too, Daddy. Hi, Mommy! No, I was only in prison a few hours. Yes, they fed me, don't worry. I am eating well, Mommy, I promise. I love you too. Ok, call you when I get home. Ok, love you both! Bye!"

"Congratulations, Miss Joker," said Bruce calmly as she handed J.J.'s phone back to him.

"Oh…thank you, Mr. Wayne," said Arleen, surprised. "Hi, Tim. Damian," she murmured. "It's my brother and Uncle Two-Face you should be congratulating, though," she said, beaming at them.

"Yes. Very…moving defense, Harvey," murmured Bruce

Two-Face shrugged. "It came from the heart. I think everyone's sick of some ridiculous vigilante holding this city in its thrawl. Thank God the law's finally intending to do something about it. About time, too. I mean, you didn't know Bats in his heyday, Bruce – he was a total nutjob. And whoever's replaced him is just as bad. The law has always been for the courts to decide, not for some self-righteous maniac in a bat costume."

"Yes," repeated Bruce. "Yes, I'm sure you're right. The courts being always open, honest, and above-board."

Two-Face shrugged. "They're not perfect, but they're the best we got. I'll always support democracy over tyranny. And Batman's a tyrant. About time he got what all tyrants deserve. _Sic semper tyrannis_, as the saying goes."

"Yes," said Bruce again, his jaw tightening. "Yes, well, congratulations again, Harvey. Miss Joker. J.J.," he muttered, turning to leave.

"C'mon, sis, I'm taking you out for a celebratory lunch. Uncle Two-Face, care to join us?" asked J.J., his arm around his sister as he led her toward the door.

"Sure, J.J., just let me get my stuff," said Two-Face.

"Would you…like to come too, Damian?" asked Arleen tentatively.

Everyone stared at her, and then Damian. "I…uh…" stammered Damian.

"We have to be getting back, I'm afraid," said Bruce, taking his son's arm firmly. "Come along, Damian."

"Yeah…um…you heard my Dad," muttered Damian. He gazed after Arleen longingly as they left the courthouse, and she glanced back at him despite her brother's arm placed firmly and protectively over her shoulder.

They arrived back in Wayne Manor without speaking. Bruce headed for his study in silence. "Um…Bruce…are you ok?" asked Tim gently.

"Of course I am," murmured Bruce.

"Cause if you wanna talk…"

"I told Harvey. I prefer to be alone," interrupted Bruce. He entered his study and shut the door.

"You would have gone with them if Bruce hadn't interfered, wouldn't you?" asked Tim, turning to Damian.

"I don't see why not…" began Damian.

"You don't see why not?" repeated Tim, incredulously. "They're Jokers, Damian! I don't know why you can't understand that they're our enemy!"

"You heard me. I'll never be Leenie's enemy," muttered Damian.

Tim glared at him, and then ripped his sleeve up. "You take a good, long look at what your little girlfriend did to me!" he hissed, revealing a deep, ugly scar left from a knife wound. "Don't be taken in by a pretty face - she's just as evil as all the rest of them! And if you don't learn to stay away from her, you'll end up cut up worse than me! By her if you're lucky – by her Dad or brother if you're not."

Tim stormed off to the Batcave. Damian headed toward his room, but suddenly heard something smash as he passed Bruce's study. He paused, and then knocked on the door. "Dad? You ok?"

There was no response. Damian tentatively pushed open the door and saw his father struggling to sit up while Ace whined and nuzzled him. His cane had snapped and he had fallen into a vase, which lay shattered beside him. Damian immediately rushed over to help him.

"It's fine…I'm fine," snapped Bruce, standing up and pushing Damian away. "I put too much pressure on my cane at the hearing. Got a little angry…"

Damian helped him into his chair, and Bruce didn't push him away this time. He held the shattered remains of his cane in his hand, and then suddenly clenched his fist, snapping it again. "It's just…not right!" he cried. "And there's nothing I can do to fight against it anymore! I'm old and crippled and powerless, but there's still so much left to do! And one man can't do it! He can't make the world right on his own! There are too many people fighting against him, too many enemies, and he can't defeat them all, no matter how strong he is! Because one day his strength will fail and then…he'll have nothing left. Injustice and evil and corruption will still be everywhere, but he just has to sit and watch it spread! It's the most terrible thing imaginable!"

He buried his face in his hands. "He knew it would be," he murmured, softly. "After…after Joker found out who I was, he…stopped fighting me the way he used to. That game wasn't fun for him anymore. He changed the rules – he started battling me using my own weapons against me. Law, the courts, justice. He knew if he could pit those kinds of enemies against me, he would win. And he has. He has won. I can't fight that truth anymore."

Damian was silent. "Dad…just because you can't physically fight anymore doesn't mean that we won't," he murmured. "Tim and me…"

"You don't want to fight them," whispered Bruce. "I can't blame you for that, Damian. I can't blame you for any of the things you've said. And I can't blame you for wanting somebody to love, to be close to…I've…never been very good with…things like that. I've always been…afraid of letting people get too close to me, for their own sake, and for my own. I…lost people I loved very deeply once. And I never recovered from that. Never. I'm not strong enough to let it happen again. If you got taken away from me, if…if Joker or his daughter hurt you to hurt me…they would kill me," he murmured.

Ace had curled up into his lap again and was nuzzling Bruce gently. He stroked him in silence. "You…have to make your own decisions, Damian," he murmured. "I can't protect you anymore. And whatever you decide, I want you to know that I'm proud of you," he said, looking at him.

"I'm proud of you too, Dad," murmured Damian. They were silent again. "Dad…" said Damian slowly, remembering something. "When you were Batman…did you ever hear about a girl called Alice Tetch?"

Bruce looked at him. "I knew Jervis Tetch, the Mad Hatter. He was in love with a girl called Alice, but she never married him."

"No, she would have been a kid about the same time as me," replied Damian. "It's just…um…I was told recently that she believes her parents were killed in a fire started by Batman. And obviously it wasn't you, so I was just wondering if you knew who it could be."

Bruce stared at him. "Who did you hear this from?" he asked quietly.

Damian looked down. "Leenie," he murmured. "I went to see her the other night…nothing happened," he added, hastily. "We just…talked. But this girl Alice Tetch is her cousin, and she's got a vendetta against Batman. Leenie says she saw him...kill her parents."

"You trust her?" asked Bruce.

Damian nodded. "Yes," he murmured. "With my life. And my heart."

Bruce studied him carefully, and then struggled to his feet. Damian helped him up and let him lean against his arm as they went down to the Batcave. Tim was lifting weights, but looked at Bruce in surprise as they entered.

"Bruce…what are you doing down here?"

"I need the Batcomputer," muttered Bruce, sitting down in front of the huge screen. "This would have been, what, Damian, about twenty years ago?"

"Yeah," replied Damian.

Bruce began typing in some data. "The girl Tetch was in love with was called Alice Pleasance," he murmured. "His secretary when he worked for Wayne Enterprises. She ended up…" He looked at the screen. "Alice Dodgson…dead about twenty years," he murmured. He selected a link. "One child, Catherine Alice Dodgson, now Tetch after her adoption by Jervis Tetch. Alice Dodgson perished in a fire…"

Bruce trailed off, reading the article. His eyes narrowed and then he slowly rose to his feet. "Leave this with me, Damian. I have to make a couple phone calls."


	10. Chapter 10

The phone rang, and J.J. opened his eyes, squinting at the number through his sunglasses. "Hand me that, would ya, Sam baby?" he asked, beckoning for an attractive woman in a bikini to bring him his beer. Sam stopped massaging his back and reached for his phone, handing it to him as J.J. took a swig from the bottle.

"Daddy-o. Aloha."

"How ya doing, kiddo?"

"In Hawaii, getting a massage from a hot dame in a bikini while another serves me a beer."

Joker chuckled. "You always want your kids to have better than what you had!" he sighed wistfully. "Your mother don't look that great in a bikini anymore."

"What's that, puddin'?" came Harley Quinn's voice.

"Just talking to J.J., pumpkin, he's very busy with work!" called Joker.

"Aw, tell him to take a break and have some fun, sweetie!" called Harley.

"You heard your mother," laughed Joker.

"I'll try my best, but y'know how…oooh, Sam, right there!...committed I am to the job," said J.J., grinning.

"Yeah, I wouldn't tear myself away if I were you," giggled Joker. "Anyway, if you do manage to find some free time soon, you and Leenie should stop by and see us on the island."

J.J. took another swig of beer. "Yeah, sounds like fun, Daddy-o," he said. "I'll head back to Gotham to pick up Leenie and give you a call when we're on the way."

"Okie dokie, kiddo. Don't work too hard now!"

"Well, you know what they say. All work and no play makes J.J. a dull boy, isn't that right, Sammie?" chuckled J.J., grinning at her.

Joker laughed. "Have fun, kiddo. See you soon!"

J.J. hung up the phone, handing it back to Sam and then shutting his eyes again, sighing happily.

"Excuse me, sir," said his butler, coming over to him. "But there's a Miss Isley to see you."

J.J. beamed. "Good old Aunt Ivy!" he exclaimed, sitting up. "I'll be back in a second, ladies, don't go anywhere," he said. "Please show her to my study, Hamill."

J.J. entered the study to see Poison Ivy waiting for him. She hadn't aged – something about her plant hybridization delayed the physical signs of aging, and she looked just as young and attractive as she always did.

"Kind of you to come see me, Aunt Ivy," he said, shutting the door.

"Well, I've just been visiting your parents and I thought I'd look in on my favorite nephew," she said, smiling at him.

"Hawaii isn't exactly on the way to Gotham," he replied, going over to the window and pulling the blinds. "How are Mommy and Daddy-o?"

"They seem happy as usual. It's a nice island you bought them. You're such a good son."

"I do my best," he replied. "Would you like a drink?"

"No, thank you," she said. He poured one for himself in silence.

"How's your sister?" asked Ivy.

"She's busy. Fighting Batman, y'know, continuing the family business," said J.J., sipping his drink. "Waste of time in my opinion, but Leenie's a bit of an obsessive. She gets that from both our parents."

"You don't consider yourself an obsessive?" asked Ivy.

"I am a man of business. I do the business that will make me wealthy, and the rest of the time I spend pursuing my own pleasures. Nothing obsessive about that," retorted J.J.

"Yes, I've heard about your pleasures," she replied, grinning. "A man with the taste for the finer things, they say."

"Again, I do my best," he replied. "But I do confess to having exquisite taste."

"Yeah. It's a nice place you've got," said Ivy, nodding at the room. "You've certainly done well for yourself, J.J."

"I have," he agreed. "And unlike my sister, I can be content with success. When a man has everything, why should he strive for more?"

"And do you have everything, J.J.?" asked Ivy, quietly.

"What's missing?" he asked.

She looked at him and said nothing, just smiled. "You must stay a few days, Aunt Ivy, and soak up the sun," he said. "I know you enjoy the sun."

"Thank you, J.J., that's kind," she replied.

"Not at all. It's kind of you to visit," he said. He looked at her and smiled. "I must say, I'm offended by your formality, Aunt Ivy. After all, we're practically family. Aren't you going to kiss your favorite nephew?" he murmured.

She smiled back and approached him, pecking him on the lips. He immediately seized her in his arms and forced his tongue into her mouth, and she sucked on it, returning the kiss with equal passion. He slammed her down on the desk, continuing to kiss her as his hands began working at her clothing.

"I promise I'll be a very good boy for you, Aunt Ivy," he whispered, grinning.

She grinned back. "You'd better be, J.J., or you'll get a spanking from your Auntie. And you wouldn't want that, would you, you naughty boy?"

"Mmm, don't tempt me, Auntie," he whispered, grinning and sliding a hand up her skirt.

"Oh, J.J.!" she gasped. "Oh, J.J., I just can't stop thinking about you! When I was with other men, I couldn't stop thinking about you! I couldn't stop wishing I was in bed with you! I don't know what's wrong with me! You're like a drug – I need you, like flowers need the sun and the rain! I've never felt this way about a man before!"

He giggled. "I'd like to think my incredible charm, manhood, and stamina is to thank for that, but the truth is so much simpler. Frankly put, my dear Auntie, you never had a nephew before. The forbidden and the wrong excites you - you're like my mother in that respect. And although we are not blood relations, you must admit if anyone knew about this, they would judge it as forbidden and wrong. After all, you looked after me when I was a child. It's kinda sick to think I could father a child in you right now, isn't it, Auntie dear?"

"Oh, J.J., harder!" gasped Ivy.

"And of course we mustn't forget my resemblance to my father," continued J.J. "The fact that he is the Joker, the ultimate forbidden and wrong man, and doubly so to you, since he's always been your best friend's romantic partner. You could never have him, and this made you secretly want him, didn't it, Aunt Ivy? It's all right, you can admit it."

"I fantasized about him sometimes," she murmured, clasping him tighter to her.

He chuckled. "I know you did. He knows you did. You're that type of woman, a lover of the dangerous and the forbidden. But your friendship with my mother ensured you would never have him. You could never hurt her by cheating with him. But now…now you can have your nephew and him all at once. It's no wonder you're so obsessed with me, Aunt Ivy. I am your perfect, wrong man."

"Oh, J.J.! Oh, J.J.! That's it!" she groaned, arching her back. They both paused, panting for breath, and she kissed him tenderly. "Not to ruin your theory, Professor, but it may also be because you're an incredible lover who knows just how to please a lady, endowed with an ample ability to do that," she murmured, grinning.

"That too," he agreed, smiling. "I had an exceptional teacher. But I daresay you've had incredible lovers before. So why can't you give me up?" he whispered, licking her cheek.

"Because…J.J…I love you," she whispered.

He paused, gazing at her. Then he grinned. "I love you too, Auntie," he whispered, licking her other cheek.

She turned his face to look into her eyes. "I'm being serious," she murmured. "It's no joke, J.J."

He stared at her, and then grinned again. "I'm afraid I'm not a very serious man, Aunt Ivy. I take everything as a joke. It's my defining feature, just like my father."

"J.J., stop, please," she murmured, pushing him gently away. "I didn't come here just to have another fling with you. I wanted to know…how you feel about me. Really."

J.J. sighed, standing up and pouring himself a drink. "You know I'll always be grateful to you, Aunt Ivy," he murmured. "You were my first. You taught me how to pleasure a woman. I imagine that's also why you're so fond of me – you molded me as a lover to suit your needs and desires. But if you wanted us to be anything else but casual lovers…"

"What?" she asked, as he trailed off.

"I just…I'm not sure how it would work," he murmured. "I'm not a serious man, or a committed man, and of course I would never want to hurt you, not after all you've done for me, not after all we've been through together. I would rather keep things as they are. To spare you pain, more than anything else."

"To spare me pain?" she repeated. She suddenly grew angry. "So you can go off and enjoy all those other little floozies guilt-free, is that it?"

"I won't apologize for the man I am," he snapped, whirling around to her. "I won't be made to feel guilty because I'm not my mother. She is a woman with a burning, committed passion for one man, but she is also crazy. I did not inherit either of those attributes. Yes, I am a man who enjoys beautiful women. All kinds of beautiful woman, and I've no desire to commit myself to any of them. I shouldn't have to apologize for that. Monogamy is a construct of society, and nothing more. I will not feel guilty for not being part of society. I thought you of all people would understand that, Aunt Ivy."

"I understand that you are a selfish and heartless little brat who lives only for his own pleasures, and can't love anyone!" shrieked Ivy.

"That is untrue," he murmured. "I love my parents. I love my sister. I took a bullet for her once. I love myself. But I do not love you, Aunt Ivy," he murmured, staring at her. "Either accept that and continue as we are, or go. It makes little difference to me."

Ivy gaped at him and then whirled around, storming from the room, tears in her eyes. He watched her go, sipping on his drink, not saying a word, and not smiling.


	11. Chapter 11

The Joker took a sip from the coconut shell rum cocktail, and then lay down on his towel on the beach, shutting his eyes and smiling. He frowned suddenly as a shadow fell over him. "Harley, you're blocking the sun," he growled, seizing her arm and shoving her out of the way.

"If I don't, you're gonna get burned," retorted Harley, stepping in front of him again. "And then you'll be all cranky like you always are when you get a sunburn."

"I'm allowed to be cranky when I wanna, and I'm allowed to enjoy the sun when I wanna!" he snapped, shoving her out of the way again.

"Not when I have to live with you, you're not!" she snapped, folding her arms across her chest.

"Then go away!" he retorted, glaring at her. "The island's big enough – or better yet, go off the island and don't come back!"

"You'd be completely lost if I did that!" retorted Harley. "You need me, you selfish creep!"

"I ain't never needed you!" he shouted, sitting up. "You're just too thick to stop clinging onto me no matter how badly I treat you! You'd think you'd get the hint one of these days, you stupid woman!"

"It's been thirty years and I ain't got the hint yet!" she snapped.

"Then you're a real dumb blonde, ain't ya?" he demanded.

"Screw you, jerk!" she shrieked, shoving him violently back down on the towel. She suddenly shoved her mouth into his, climbing on top of him.

"Oh…Mr. J…I love you," she breathed in between kisses.

"Shut up, you useless brat!" he growled, returning her kisses. "You and your annoying voice yammering at me all the time…why doncha just go away?! I hate you, Harley!"

"Oh…hate me some more, Mr. J!" she gasped.

He chuckled, seizing her and flipping her over. "Who says crime doesn't pay?" he laughed, kissing her.

The sound of an approaching helicopter distracted them. "That'll be the kiddies!" laughed Joker. "You wanna give me a hand, dollface?"

"Not with the kiddies on the way, puddin'," she giggled. "You'll have to wait until tonight."

He giggled too. "I meant help me up, you little minx!" he chuckled.

She grinned at him and pulled him to his feet, handing him his cane, which had become more of a necessity than a fashion accessory as the years had taken their toll on his thin frame. He still looked the same as usual – the chemicals from the accident had done something to delay the superficial signs of aging, although the Joker's muscles and bones occasionally reminded him of his age. He mostly blamed that on Batman though, and the numerous breakings they had endured at his hands.

The years had not been as kind to Harley Quinn, although she still had the remains of a very attractive woman about her. But she was a woman of a certain age now, and unlike most women of a certain age, didn't feel the need to hide it. She had given birth to twins, she was in a long-term, committed relationship with the only man she had ever loved, and she was happy with her life and her age. And the Joker didn't seem to mind. In his eyes, Harley always looked the same.

He spanked her playfully as they headed toward the makeshift landing pad for J.J.'s helicopter that had been set up on the beach. Two hyenas suddenly burst out of the surrounding jungle, dashing toward the landing helicopter and barking and laughing in excitement, leaping up to try to catch the metal in their jaws

"Hey, Stan, Ollie, down boys!" shouted Joker. Bud and Lou had died a few years ago, but not before producing a cub each, which, in keeping with tradition, the Joker had named after another great comic duo. They raced over to him and Harley and began laughing excitedly, tails wagging, as the helicopter landed.

Arleen was the first to rush out, straight into her father's arms. "Daddy!" she shrieked as he lifted her up, laughing.

"How's my little princess?" he chuckled, kissing her cheek as Stan and Ollie began jumping and nuzzling her. J.J. stepped out of the helicopter and the hyenas immediately rushed him.

"Hello there, boys!" he laughed, petting them affectionately. "Hello, Mommy!" he cried, holding out his arms to his mother.

"Aw, J.J., you get more handsome every time I see you!" she cried as he hugged her tightly. "Just like your Daddy!"

"Yeah, he's a chip off the old block, ain't ya, J.J.?" chuckled Joker, patting him on the back. "Leenie's a helluva lot prettier than you though, Harl, sorry," he said, grinning at his daughter. "Not to mention smarter, sweeter, and a better criminal."

"I am not, Daddy!" laughed Arleen, kissing his cheek.

"Don't contradict your Daddy," said Harley, hugging her daughter and beaming. "He's always right."

Joker laughed and kissed Harley tenderly. "Aw, the whole Joker family together again!" he chuckled, embracing them all as the hyenas nuzzled them.

"…and Pammie. Always nice to see Pammie," he said, his face falling as Poison Ivy stepped out of the helicopter.

"Red, what are you doing back here?" asked Harley. "Not that I ain't pleased to see ya, of course!" she said, racing over to hug her best friend.

"I invited Aunt Ivy – it's been a long time since me and Leenie had some real, quality time with her," said J.J., grinning at Ivy.

"And I was starting to miss you already, Harley," said Ivy, smiling as she hugged her friend in return. "And J. Of course I was…missing J," she said, looking at Joker in loathing.

Joker chuckled. "Well, the more the merrier, that's my motto!" he said. "C'mon, kiddies, let's head inside and get you a drink!"

"Hamill, bring the bags, will you?" called J.J. to his butler.

"How are things on Joker Island, Daddy-o?" asked J.J. as they walked toward the house. "I love what you've done with the place, though frankly I don't know how you did it all."

"Well, the volcano erupting was a stroke of luck," chuckled Joker. "But the rest of it was fairly easy to orchestrate. A little deforestation here, but don't worry, Pammie, I did a little tree-planting elsewhere, and now it's just about perfect. I hear you can see my face from space! And I gotta admit, I ain't up there that often, but it's nice to think that if aliens ever do visit our planet, it'll be my smiling visage that greets them!" he chuckled.

The Joker was referring to the fact that he had re-designed the island so that it looked like his face from above. The green of the jungle was his hair, the sandy, white beaches his skin, and he had shaped a moat of molten lava into his smile. One of his eyes was the remains of an old mining complex which had used to exist on the island before he had bought it – the other was the huge, sprawling mansion in which he and Harley lived.

"I'll get dinner started if you kids wanna go freshen up!" said Harley, heading for the kitchen.

"Oh…gee, Harl, why don't you let me make dinner this time?" asked Ivy.

Harley turned to look at her. "You got a problem with my cooking, Red?" she asked, surprised. "Nobody else has ever complained."

"Well…maybe they're used to it," said Ivy, slowly. "Or maybe my stomach's more delicate because of the whole plant thing. In either case, why don't you just relax with your family and let me handle the food?"

"I'll…um…give you a hand, Auntie," said J.J., following her into the kitchen and shutting the door.

Joker looked after them and chuckled. "What's so funny?" asked Harley.

"Nothing, pooh bear," he said, kissing her. "Nothing for you to worry your pretty head about. So, Leenie, have you recovered from the Bat attack yet?" he asked, leading her into the living room. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No, Daddy, I told you, I can take care of myself," said Arleen, smiling at him.

"Is it still that orphan kid being Bats or has Brucie let his son take over the role yet?" asked Joker, taking a seat and lighting a cigar.

"No, it's…um…still Tim," said Arleen. "Damian is Robin."

"Damian, that's his name!" said Joker, nodding. "God, I kinda pity the kid. Bats has got a real cruel sense of humor, I'll say that for him. Making his own son suffer wearing that ridiculous outfit!" he chuckled. "The guy's always been a sadist, though." He laughed again. "Bet you're glad I interrupted your date now, eh, Leenie?" he giggled. "No dame wants to tell people she's dated Robin."

Arleen forced a smile. "No…Daddy. I guess not."

The Joker could tell when a smile was fake, and he could definitely tell when his daughter's smile was fake. He was going to question her further when Ivy and J.J. suddenly entered the room.

"Just gonna leave the meat to…uh…simmer for a bit," said Ivy, taking a seat on the sofa next to J.J. Joker looked from one to the other, smoking in silence and grinning. Then he stood up.

"Who's in the mood for a little music?" he asked, going over to a record player. "For some reason, I've just got a song stuck in my head."

The record began playing _Mrs. Robinson_ as Joker sat back down opposite Ivy and J.J. "What's with the face, Pammie?" he asked as Ivy glared at him. "I happen to like Simon and Garfunkel. Those hippies have got the right idea. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme and all that crap – you clearly relate to their music in more ways than one!" he giggled.

"How's Alice, Leenie?" asked Harley. She didn't have any idea what Joker was talking about, but she didn't like the rising tension between the two.

"She's fine, Mommy. Well, same as always, anyway," said Arleen, shrugging. "I don't really know if you can call that fine."

"Yeah, she's…ah…a unique young lady," said Harley, nodding. "Very…special."

"Very pretty, too," said J.J., nodding. Ivy's murderous look switched from Joker to J.J.

"Aw, J.J., she's not nearly good enough for my special little boy!" purred Harley, hugging him. "Anyway, I always thought she and Jervis had kinda a weird thing going on. Which is really creepy if you ask me. I mean, what kinda guardian forms a romantic relationship with a kid?"

"Well…Mommy…as long as they're both consenting adults…at the time their relationship started…I don't see the problem," said J.J., slowly.

"Nope, it's just plain wrong," retorted Harley firmly. J.J. and Ivy shared a look but said nothing. "A person in a position of trust should never abuse it by taking advantage of the person in their care," continued Harley.

"What, you mean like a psychiatrist and her patient?" asked Joker, grinning.

"That's different, puddin'," said Harley, cuddling against him. "That's true love."

"Well, maybe it's true love for Hatty and Alice," said Joker, shrugging. "I can't see the attraction, but then I ain't a dame. They're always loving the wrong kinda guys."

"That's because bad boys are really hot, puddin'," cooed Harley, kissing him tenderly.

"Must be why Batsy's ended up alone!" laughed Joker. "How did he look at the trial, J.J.?"

"Old," retorted J.J.

"And…very unhappy," murmured Arleen. "Damian says he…"

She stopped talking suddenly. "I mean…I hear he and his son aren't on the best of terms."

"Why's that?" asked Joker, interested.

"Um…I hear…Damian doesn't want to…be like his father," murmured Arleen. "He told me he…doesn't want to be our enemy."

J.J. laughed hysterically. "Well, he's got more of a sense of humor than his father, I'll say that for him!"

"Yeah, what a gag!" laughed Joker. "Batman and Joker are always gonna be enemies, Leenie – it's just the way things are! We wanna have fun, they wanna stop us from having fun. Nothing we can do to change it," he said, smiling and puffing on his cigar. "And there's a nice kinda inevitability to it, ain't there? A nice kinda security. You know where you stand with Batsy – it ain't a complex relationship. He hates you, and you hate him. He refuses to kill you, but you try to kill him. Over and over again, night after night. Endless fun, endless games, one great big endless joke."

"Yeah," agreed Arleen. "Yeah. That's all it is. One great big endless joke."

She stood up suddenly. "I'm just gonna…go to my room. I'm feeling a little…tired."

"You want me to bring you some food when dinner's ready, baby?" asked Harley, concerned.

"No, thank you, Mommy," said Arleen. "I just wanna…be alone."

She felt everyone staring after her as she left the room without another word. She entered her room and shut the door, going over to the bed and burying her face in her pillow. She tried to hold back the tears, but it was no good. She knew they wouldn't take Damian's words seriously. They never took anything seriously. They were Jokers. And so was she. There was no way to escape that. And there was no way she and Damian could ever be together.


	12. Chapter 12

"Cigar, J.J.?"

"Love one, Daddy-o!" sighed J.J., joining his father on the sea-front balcony later that night. Harley and Ivy were doing the dishes and Arleen still hadn't emerged from her room. Joker had been thinking about what could be bothering her as he stood watching the sea and smoking. In his mind, her life was pretty perfect – committing crimes had always been a blast to him, especially when they ended in fighting Batman. The fact that Arleen didn't seem happy was a riddle to him, and one he couldn't figure out the answer to. But then he had never been Edward Nygma when it came to riddles. Thank God, he thought with a grin.

He handed J.J. a cigar and lit it for him. "If Mommy comes, I'm only holding your cigar for you," said J.J., inhaling deeply.

Joker chuckled. "She'll believe that too," he said, smiling. "Anything to convince herself that her little boy is still innocent. Almost too good a gag to keep you and the Weed Lady from her though."

J.J. puffed out a cloud of smoke. "You mustn't torment Aunt Ivy like that," he murmured. "Although it is incredibly funny!" he added, laughing.

"What's funny to me is why a guy like you, who can have any dame in the world, picks a gal who was past her prime in my heyday," retorted Joker.

J.J. shrugged. "I am terribly fond of her, Daddy-o. Not just physically, although she is a spectacular lover."

"Always imagined she would be," replied Joker, nodding. "But then she does have plenty of experience," he added, grinning.

J.J. was silent, puffing on his cigar. "I usually pick women for physical reasons," he murmured. "And Aunt Ivy is no exception, but she's…more than that to me. She knows me. She watched me grow up. She knows me at my worst, and at my best. I feel that she genuinely cares about me…for me. Not a lot of women do, y'know. Women want to be with me because I'm rich and handsome and intelligent. Aunt Ivy wants to be with me because she really loves me, even when I'm utterly horrible to her. We…we fought very recently. And normally when I fight with women, either they leave or I get rid of them. But I didn't want Aunt Ivy to leave. And she didn't. She…came back. That…meant a lot. I don't know if you can understand that, but…to have someone that loyal to me, who doesn't give up on a relationship just because things get difficult, well…that's rarer than you think. And I'm grateful to her for it."

Joker exhaled a cloud of smoke. "Yeah," he murmured. "Yeah, I understand that. Your mother's the same way. I like a dame who fights for the things she believes in. Real attractive quality."

He grinned. "Next time you and she are together, say 'This one's from Daddy-o.'"

J.J. laughed hysterically. "She'd kill me! But it would be hilarious…"

Joker giggled, clapping him on the back. "You're a good kid, J.J. Doing anything for a joke. I'm proud of you, you know that?"

"Sure, Daddy-o," retorted J.J., shrugging.

"I'm proud of Leenie too," murmured Joker. "You think she knows that?"

"Yeah," replied J.J. "But something is bothering her, though."

"You know what it is?"

J.J. inhaled deeply. "Not sure," he murmured. "Got a hunch, though."

"Yeah?" pressed Joker.

He exhaled. "I think she's still hung up on that Damian kid," he murmured.

Joker was silent. "It's been ten years, J.J…"

"Did years make any difference to Mommy?" asked J.J.

Joker shook his head slowly. "No. And she does resemble her mother in a lotta ways…"

He trailed off, finishing his cigar and thinking. "That ain't good, J.J.," he murmured at last.

"No," agreed J.J.

Joker tossed the cigar butt into the sea. "Might go have a little talk with her."

"Good luck," said J.J. as Joker left the balcony and headed for Arleen's room. He knocked on the door.

"Come in," she murmured quietly.

"Hey, Princess, we missed you at dinner," he murmured, smiling and shutting the door after him.

"Not very hungry, Daddy," she murmured, curled up on her bed.

He sat down next to her, stroking her hair. "Your Mommy used to stay with Aunt Ivy sometimes, when we had fights," he said quietly. "Aunt Ivy always said Mommy didn't eat very much when she stayed with her. Said she wasn't very hungry when she was missing people."

He gazed at her tenderly. "Are you missing someone, sweetness?"

"Who would I be missing, Daddy?" she murmured. "My family's all here."

"Aw, sweetheart, it's ok to miss people other than your family, y'know," he said softly. "It's…ok to love people other than your family too. You know that, right?"

She nodded. "But y'see, it's important to love people who are gonna…not hurt you," murmured Joker.

"You hurt Mommy," she whispered.

"Yeah, but that's different, angelface," he murmured. "Mommy knows that what we got is…well, it's lasted thirty years anyway. It may not be ideal, but it's strong. And that's important, sweetheart."

"Don't you get strength through fighting?" murmured Arleen. "That's what you always taught me. And you taught me that there are things worth fighting for, and hurting for, and dying for. Jokes, mostly. Games. Gags. But Mommy taught me there's something else worth all that pain too."

He took her hand. "Sweetness, look at me," he murmured.

She sat up slowly. He touched her cheek tenderly, gazing at the tears running down her face. "Tell me what's the matter," he whispered.

"You promise you won't laugh?" she asked.

"I could never laugh at your tears, Princess," he murmured.

She shut her eyes tightly. "I think I'm in love, Daddy," she murmured.

"With who, Princess?" he asked gently.

"Damian," she murmured. She opened her eyes again, gazing into his. "Bruce Wayne's son. Batman's son. I'm in love with Batman's son."

He gazed back at her, his face expressionless. Then he sighed deeply, standing up. "Boy, you and your mother sure can pick 'em," he muttered. "I'll never understand dames, I tell ya. If I were a dame, and if I were my daughter, I'd think to myself, I can have literally any guy in the world. My Daddy's the Joker, and if there was any guy I was interested in, he'd get him for me, even if he had to tie him up and threaten him with a long and lingering death. But my Daddy would get him for me, because he loves me, and he'd kill everyone on earth to see me happy. But the guy I definitely wouldn't pick would be Batman's son, because I'd know how difficult it would be for my Daddy, how awkward it would make him feel, and how annoying it would be for him, having to not kill Batman's son, the greatest punchline to any joke ever, because I'm his daughter and I'm in love with him."

He turned to look at her. "But I ain't a dame, and I ain't my daughter. And my daughter is in love with Batman's son, and if I know one thing about love from your mother, it's that it don't just go away. People can't talk you out of it. It's a pretty permanent thing. So the only thing I can do is make the best of it. And tell you that if he hurts you, I'll kill him. Slowly."

Arleen gaped at him. "Daddy…I…I don't understand," she stammered. "You ain't…angry?"

He smiled. "Sweetness, what good would it do to be angry with you? You can't help it. And it would hurt you if I was angry, and I don't like seeing you cry. Anyway, it's kinda a good joke when you think about it, ain't it? Joker's daughter and Batman's son. If all goes well, we're gonna end up as in-laws. And that's a pretty hilarious thought."

He began chuckling madly. "I can see old Brucie's stern face at the wedding as I lead you down the aisle already! And can you imagine the family reunions? Oh, Princess, this may be the best joke anyone's ever come up with!" he chuckled, embracing her. "I'm so proud of you, angelface!"

Arleen was still shocked by his response, but that instantly turned to relief. "Oh…Daddy!" she breathed, hugging him tightly. "I love you!"

"I'll…um…leave it as a surprise for your mother," he said, smiling at her. "It'll be more fun that way. You can tell her when you get engaged or something, but make sure I'm around to see the look on her face. It's gonna be hysterical!"

She kissed his cheek tenderly. "Thank you, Daddy," she whispered, tears running down her face. "Thank you."

He kissed her forehead. "Now how about a nice, big smile, Princess?" he murmured.

She beamed at him and he grinned. "Night, Leenie," he said, leaving her room.

He headed for his and Harley's bedroom, whistling. He suddenly heard a shriek and then the sound of a slap, and a second later a door banged open and Ivy rushed out of the room, with J.J. chasing after her.

"It was just a joke, Auntie!" he cried.

"It's not funny!" she screamed. She saw Joker and slapped him hard. "It's not funny, you disgusting creep!" she repeated, slamming the door to her room.

Joker stared at the door, and then looked at J.J. "You didn't!" he chuckled.

"I did!" J.J. laughed. "And her face was hilarious!"

"Mr. J? J.J.? What's with all the screaming?" asked Harley, opening the door to their room.

"Nothing, pooh bear, let's go to bed," said Joker, pushing her back inside. He gave J.J. a thumbs up. "You're a terrible man, but a great son!" he giggled.

"I do my best!" laughed J.J., heading back to his room.


	13. Chapter 13

Alice Tetch opened the door to her and Arleen's apartment, putting Dinah down and flicking on the lights. She found the note from Arleen, read it, and then went into the kitchen, turning the kettle on.

"It's just you and me for tea tonight, Dinah," she said as the cat followed her into the kitchen, rubbing itself against the doorframe. "Arleen is visiting her parents."

Dinah miaowed. "Yes, it is odd to think about visiting one's parents," agreed Alice as she poured the boiling water into a teapot. "Arleen is very fortunate to still be able to visit them. Mine went to Wonderland a long time ago, you know. And someday Uncle Jervis and I will join them there. It will be quite the frabjous day."

Dinah miaowed again. "You do know what that is, Dinah, don't be absurd," retorted Alice, pouring milk from a carton into a small pitcher, and a saucer. "I've read you that poem many times. You must learn to listen. It's the day the Jabberwocky is slain. Or as we call the Jabberwocky, the Batman."

She placed the saucer down on the ground and Dinah began lapping up the milk. "The Jabberwocky's head gets cut off," murmured Alice, petting her gently. "Snicker-snack. The same thing will happen to the Batman, I promise you, Dinah."

She stood up, pouring the tea into a cup. "If only I knew where to find him," she muttered. "But he's so terribly elusive. The only way to attract him is to harm innocent people, and I couldn't do anything like that. I'm a good little girl. And going around hurting innocent people is not any way for a young lady to behave."

Dinah purred. "I know Arleen does it, but she is not a proper young lady," retorted Alice as she poured milk into her tea and stirred it. "I like her very much, of course, but she clearly has no idea of how young ladies ought to behave. She does not know etiquette," she murmured, sipping her tea with her pinky raised. "And if one does not know etiquette, one might as well be a savage," she said. "There is nothing more appalling than ill manners."

She suddenly whirled around and threw the hot tea at the face of the man standing behind her. "And sneaking up on a young lady is a most ill-mannered thing to do!" she hissed.

"I'm…sorry," stammered Damian, who had ducked just in time to avoid the scalding tea colliding with his face. Heeding Arleen's advice, he was wearing civilian clothes rather than a Batman costume this time, and from the homicidal and slightly psychotic look in Alice's eyes, he was very glad he wasn't.

"What are you doing in here?" demanded Alice. "I warn you not to touch me – any attempt to violate me will be met with extreme resistance, and result in your well-deserved demise!" she said, seizing a carving knife from the washing rack and pointing it at him.

"Look, I…don't mean any harm," said Damian, holding up his hands. "I'm just looking for Leenie."

"Why?" snapped Alice.

"I'm a friend," he said.

"Friend?" she repeated. "Arleen has no friends to my knowledge."

"She's never mentioned a Damian Wayne?" asked Damian.

Alice's arm relaxed a little. "Yes," she said, slowly. "Yes, she has."

She put the knife down. "Why did you break in here? There is a door, and its purpose is to let in visitors. It's terribly cruel of you to deprive a door of its purpose, you know."

"Um…sorry," stammered Damian. "It's just…erm…I wouldn't want certain people to know that we're together."

"Why?" demanded Alice. "Although I agree it is terribly improper for a young man to be in a young lady's flat without a chaperone. If anyone found out that we were having this conversation alone, it would be most scandalous. You are risking the ruin of my reputation, sir."

"Erm…right," agreed Damian. "It's just…uh…certain members of my family…and hers…don't approve of our friendship. So I thought it best that I keep my visits a secret…Alice, is it?"

"You may call me Miss Tetch," she retorted. "A young man may not address a young lady by her Christian name having only made her acquaintance two minutes ago."

"O…K," said Damian slowly. "I was actually hoping you'd be here too – Leenie told me about what…happened to your parents."

"Did she?" asked Alice. "She must know it is terribly rude to gossip about people behind their backs."

"I think she thought…I could help," said Damian. "Um…I've dedicated my life to…uh…researching Batman. I know him very well, probably better than anyone alive. And…er…I just wanted to talk to you about your…encounter with him."

Alice looked at him coldly. "Do you?" she muttered. "It is terribly forward of you to ask such things, and it's a terribly morbid discussion to have over tea. I would rather not," she said, pouring herself another cup.

"Look, I'm really hoping I can help catch whoever did this…" began Damian.

"Why? So you can kill him?" demanded Alice, turning to face him. She sipped her tea carefully. "That honor will be mine."

"Erm…no, I don't believe in killing people," replied Damian.

"Then you are as foolish as Batman himself," retorted Alice. "And I do not need any assistance from foolish people. You may go. Miss Joker is not here – she is visiting her parents. And I have nothing further to say to you."

Damian saw that talking to her was useless, and sighed. "Well, if you do change your mind about talking or if you remember anything that might be helpful, would you give me a call?" he asked. "You…uh…can work phones, right?"

Alice gave him a glance of withering contempt. "My guardian is Jervis Tetch, the man who invented mind control," she muttered. "I am intimately familiar with far more advanced technological systems than a telephone."

"Good," said Damian, handing her a card. "Well…ah…nice meeting you, Miss Tetch. See you around."

Dinah hissed at him as he left. Alice sipped her tea, sighing. "The presumption of young men these days, Dinah, is absolutely shocking," she muttered. "Letting themselves into a young lady's flat, with no consideration for her reputation. They must be mad."

She picked up the teapot and cup and then left the kitchen, heading into the living room with Dinah following her. She put the tea things down on the table, and then suddenly straightened up.

"I thought I told you to go…" she began, but she was suddenly seized from behind, and her arm bent back.

"Sorry, sweetheart, it's a shame I gotta do this," hissed a voice in her ear as she suddenly felt a knife blade held against her cheek. It cut down slowly and Alice screamed in pain. "It's hard to kill someone so pretty, like I told your Mom. Such a waste. But I gotta finish the job…"

The voice suddenly cried out in pain as Dinah attacked him, releasing Alice's arm. Alice whirled around and froze in shock when she saw who her attacker was. It was Batman.

"You!" she gasped. She instantly recovered herself, seizing the teapot and throwing it at him. The china shattered, spilling scalding water all over him. He shouted again as Alice raced for the kitchen, grabbing the carving knife again and rushing back out.

Dinah was sitting calmly licking her paws, and the window was open. Batman had disappeared.

Alice stared around wildly, panting in terror. She suddenly felt something hot dripping down her face and touched her cheek, which was bleeding heavily. "Curiouser and…curiouser," she stammered.

She grabbed the telephone and dialled a number. "Hello?" said a voice on the other end.

"Uncle…Uncle Jervis," stammered Alice, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Alice, my love, what is it? What's wrong?" asked Tetch, his voice rising in panic at the tone of hers.

"I…I need you, Uncle," she murmured. "He was here and I…didn't kill him. I…I…didn't kill him. He tried to kill me, but I didn't kill him. I failed…"

"I'm on my way, my angel," he interrupted. "I'll be with you in five minutes. Try to remain calm. I love you."

"I love you too, Uncle," she whispered. She hung up the phone and curled up on the sofa. Dinah climbed up and began purring in her arms. She stroked her absently as the blood dripped from her cheek. "Damian Wayne," she murmured. "Curiouser and curiouser…"


	14. Chapter 14

"Thank you, Hamill," said Arleen as she sat up on her towel, taking the coconut shell cocktail from the butler. "You're a treasure."

"He sure is, J.J.," agreed Joker, helping himself to a cocktail. "A Joker would be lost without you, buddy."

"Yes, I don't know what I'd do without him," agreed J.J., as the butler served him his cocktail. "He's the only hired help I have who's actually worth the money. My PA certainly isn't."

"You could always get rid of her," said Ivy, who had spread her towel down next to J.J.'s. "If she's not a very good PA, there's no point in keeping her around, after all."

"Oh, well, she tries real hard, and she's really passionate about the job," replied J.J., shrugging.

"I'm sure she is," growled Ivy. "But sometimes passion isn't enough. Sometimes it takes experience and talent."

"Oh, she's got those too, Auntie," retorted J.J., grinning.

"All I'm saying is she may not be the best person to handle your business interests," retorted Ivy. "Or, for that matter, your personal interests. She's a bad influence."

J.J. laughed. "Who do you think you are, Auntie, my mother?"

"I certainly hope not!" laughed Joker. Ivy glared at him but said nothing.

"I just hate to fire someone so…enthusiastic, Auntie," said J.J. "She's very eager to please me. I like that."

"Yeah, enthusiasm's always what impressed me most about your mother," said Joker, smiling at Harley as she applied sunscreen to his chest. "That and her ass," he said, slapping her bottom.

"Oh, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him tenderly.

The entire family plus Ivy were relaxing on the beach enjoying the sun. Stan and Ollie were sniffing around exploring until Arleen started throwing a ball into the sea for them to fetch. They raced after it and brought it back to her, wagging their tails and waiting for her to throw it again.

Harley had just finished applying sunscreen to the Joker's back and now handed the bottle to J.J. "Sweetie, put on the sunscreen or you'll burn," she said. "You got your Daddy's skin."

J.J. sighed heavily, taking the bottle from her. "Yes, Mommy," he muttered.

"I can do that for you, J.J.," said Ivy.

"Thank you, Auntie," he said, handing her the bottle and stripping off his shirt. Ivy began rubbing his back, gradually getting slower and slower, and then suddenly stood up, clearing her throat.

"Think I…um…left something back at the house. Just gonna go…get it. You know the…uh…thing, J.J.?"

"Oh…yes, Auntie," he said, standing up too. "I'll just come help you look for it."

They left together. Joker chuckled, lighting a cigar and lying back down as Harley curled up against his chest. Arleen continued to play fetch with Stan and Ollie until her phone rang suddenly.

She answered it, smiling. "Alice, hello!"

"Hello, Arleen. I'm terribly sorry to disturb you like this, but it is quite urgent that I pass on this information to you as soon as possible."

"Oh. That…uh…doesn't sound good, Alice…" began Arleen.

"It isn't," interrupted Alice. "There has been a lead in my search for Batman's identity. I have discovered someone who is collaborating with him, and I needed to tell you, not only because of Batman's relationship to your family, but because of your relationship to him."

"To…who?" asked Arleen slowly.

"The collaborator is Damian Wayne," said Alice.

"Damian?" repeated Arleen, shocked. "But…that's impossible, Alice, he would have been five years old when…"

"I did not say he was Batman – I said he was collaborating with him," retorted Alice. "He came to the apartment looking for you. The moment after he left, I was attacked by Batman."

"Attacked?" repeated Arleen, standing up. "Are you all right?"

"I'm perfectly fine, thank you," she replied. "But his visit followed by Batman's attempt to assassinate me cannot be a coincidence. Uncle Jervis is here now, and I have told him what I know. He has informed Uncle Jonathan…"

"Why?" interrupted Arleen. "What are you going to do?"

Alice was silent for a moment. "I understand that your feelings toward Damian Wayne have always been of a…tender nature, and I apologize if this causes you any pain. But Uncle Jervis is quite incensed about my attack. He loves me very deeply, you see, and he is determined to make Damian tell him what he knows about Batman. If not willingly, then through the use of mind control. And then Uncle Jonathan and Uncle Jervis are going to…make him pay for his collaboration with the monster. They're going to make them all pay."

"Alice, you can't let them…Damian's innocent!" cried Arleen. "I know it – I know him, I…"

"We do not always know those closest to our hearts, much as we try to deny it, Arleen," murmured Alice. "Please believe I don't want to hurt you. But my parents must be avenged. Imagine what it would be like if our places were reversed, and your parents had been murdered…"

"Alice, Damian didn't murder your parents," replied Arleen. "And neither did anyone in his family, you have to believe that…"

"I will believe it when Uncle Jervis makes him tell me the truth from his own lips," murmured Alice. "He has just the hat for him. And if he knows anything about Batman, he will tell us. And he will suffer."

"Alice, please…"

"I'm truly sorry, Arleen."

Alice hung up the phone. Arleen stared at it and then rushed from the beach without another word. When she was safely away from her parents, she quickly dialled a number. "Hello, Wayne residence," said a familiar voice.

"Damian, it's Leenie," said Arleen hastily. "You have to leave Wayne Manor and go into hiding as soon as possible. Take Tim and Bruce with you."

"Leenie, what…why?" stammered Damian.

"Alice was attacked by Batman after your visit. She thinks it's because you have something to do with him…Jervis Tetch and Jonathan Crane are coming to find you and make you talk. Tetch has mind control technology – he can make you tell him the truth about Batman."

"But…how could Batman have attacked her? Tim…"

"I don't know, Damian!" she cried. "I just know you have to leave!"

"Wayne Manor is probably the safest place for us, with the Batcave…"

"You don't know them, Damian!" shouted Arleen. "I do! They'll find a way in! And once they do, none of you will be safe! I couldn't bear to see you hurt! You have to leave Gotham now!"

"And go where?" asked Damian. "My father won't leave the city he dedicated his life to protecting."

"I don't know how to…I don't know where…I don't…know, Damian!" cried Arleen, tears in her eyes. "You just…you just gotta go! Please!"

"Leenie, I appreciate your concern…"

"The hell with my concern, Damian!" she shrieked. "I'm not about to let you die when there's something I can do to prevent it! If you don't promise me you'll leave Gotham right now, I'll come back there and drag you away with my bare hands!"

There was silence on the other end. "Well…I guess it's nice to know you care," said Damian, slowly.

"It's not a time for jokes, Damian," she whispered. "Promise me you'll leave."

"I…promise, Leenie," he stammered.

"Good," she whispered. "Call me when you're safely away."

"Ok."

"Damian?"

"Yes?"

She was silent for a moment. "I love you," she whispered.

"I…love you too, Leenie," he murmured.

She hung up the phone, wiping tears from her eyes. "Princess?" said a gentle voice.

She turned around to see her father standing behind her. She sobbed and raced into his arms. "Heard you shouting on the phone," he murmured, stroking her hair. "What's wrong? What is it?"

Arleen managed to explain the situation through her tears and sobs. Joker held her gently and didn't speak for a long time after she had finished. Then he said, quietly, "Tell 'em to come here."

She looked at him incredulously. "What?"

"Invite them to Joker Island," he said, smiling. "Tell 'em I promise not to try anything."

"No offense, Daddy, but I'm not sure they'll believe that," whispered Arleen, wiping her eyes.

Joker tilted her chin up. "I promise I won't hurt any of 'em," he murmured. "You believe me?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"And Damian believes you?"

"Yeah."

"And they believe Damian. So what's the problem?" he asked, smiling. "This is the safest place for 'em. Nobody gets on or off this island without my permission. Besides, it'll be quite the joke - the Joker family and the Bat family stuck together on an island. They should make a reality show about it!" he chuckled. "Survivor: Gotham!"

"But what about Uncle Jervis and Uncle Jonathan? Won't they be mad at you?"

"Yeah. And? You think I'm afraid of those losers?" asked Joker, shrugging. "We'll give 'em some time to cool off, and I'll have a little talk with 'em personally. But nobody is hurting the guy my little girl is in love with. Nobody, Princess," he said, embracing her.

Arleen kissed him, hugging him fiercely. "Daddy?"

"Yeah, sweetness?"

"Who is this crazy Batman guy who attacked Alice?"

"I dunno, Princess," he said, stroking her hair. "But I promise you, I am gonna find out."


	15. Chapter 15

"Damian, have you lost your mind?" demanded Tim. "You want us to leave Wayne Manor because the Joker's daughter told you we weren't safe here and instead suggested that we seek safety on Joker Island? Everyone knows that whole place is booby trapped, as if being trapped on an island with homicidal lunatics isn't dangerous enough!"

"I trust Leenie," retorted Damian. "And it's incredibly decent of her father to invite us."

"A little too decent for the Joker," retorted Bruce. "I don't trust him as far as I can throw him."

"Leenie won't let him hurt us…" began Damian.

"He's the Joker, Damian!" interrupted Tim. "Not even Bruce could stop him hurting people if he wanted to!"

"I promised her…"

"Then you go!" shouted Tim. "If you're gullible enough to buy the damsel in distress act, you go ahead and get yourself killed on Joker Island! But don't ask us to commit suicide with you!"

"I'm not going to leave you here to die…"

"No, you're asking us to go somewhere else to die!" retorted Tim. "And probably a lot more painfully! I'd rather be taken out quickly by the Mad Hatter, and even Scarecrow's fear toxin has gotta be less terrifying than the long and lingering death the Joker has in store for us! At least those two have a heart. Kinda."

"Damian, you have to understand that we can't go," said Bruce, firmly. "It's very obviously a trap. In the old days, I wouldn't hesitate facing Joker on his own turf. But I can't hurt him anymore. The law won't prosecute him. I can't win against him now."

"This isn't about winning or losing, Dad," retorted Damian. "It's about our lives. Mine belongs to Leenie, and I am going where I've promised her I'll go."

Bruce looked steadily back at him. "Then you're going alone," he murmured. "I'm sorry, Damian. I won't stop you going if you want to throw your life away – it's your life and your choice. But Tim and I are going to take our chances here."

"Dad, please…" began Damian.

"The decision has been made, Damian," interrupted Bruce.

Damian knew that tone. That was his father's resolute tone. His Batman tone, which you couldn't argue with, and couldn't fight against. Without another word, he stormed from the room. Tim looked at Bruce and then headed off to the Batcave. Bruce was about to resume his seat in his armchair when the doorbell rang.

As he hobbled down the corridor to answer it, Bruce once again missed his faithful butler, although more professionally than personally in this instance. He opened the door and stared in astonishment at his visitor. "Harvey?" he stammered.

"Hello, Bruce," murmured Two-Face. He was looking at him strangely, an indefinable expression on both his faces. "May I…come in?" he asked slowly.

Bruce nodded, holding open the door. Two-Face followed him back to the study. "Drink?" asked Bruce, gesturing to the decanter of whiskey.

"No, thanks," replied Two-Face, glancing around the room. His eyes fell on the portrait of Bruce's parents and he stared at it, not saying a word.

"You wanna…sit down?" asked Bruce gently.

"No, prefer to stand," muttered Two-Face, turning his attention from the picture to Bruce with that same strange expression on his face.

"What…uh…brings you to Wayne Manor?" asked Bruce, pouring a drink for himself.

Two-Face's hands were in his pockets, and he looked down at the floor. "Got a phone call from J. I mean, the Joker. I call him J because I've known him a long time now. But it's…kinda strange how you can know people a long time and still not know anything about 'em, isn't it, Bruce?"

He started flipping his coin. "I dunno who J really is, before he became the Joker," murmured Two-Face. "That's a whole chunk of his past I'll never know, and I guess it don't matter because he don't remember it himself. But you'd think if he did know, he'd tell me, because we're friends, I guess. I mean, we ain't friends the way you and me used to be friends, Bruce, but I know his kids and stuff…"

He trailed off, still flipping his coin. "You'd think if…guys were friends, they'd…they'd trust each other with secrets, Bruce," he murmured. "Especially really big secrets. Wouldn't you?" he asked, looking straight at him.

Bruce sipped his drink. "I dunno what you mean, Harvey…"

"He…he might have been joking, but I don't think he was," murmured Two-Face. "You can sometimes tell, and this…this ain't funny, Bruce."

He looked steadily at him. "Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered, softly.

"Tell you what?" demanded Bruce.

"That you're Batman," he murmured.

Bruce stared at back him, not saying a word. "Tell me it's not true," whispered Two-Face. "Tell me!" he shouted, suddenly angry.

"I'm not a liar, Harvey," retorted Bruce, quietly.

"No, you just hide something like that from everyone, including your best friend…"

"I had to protect my identity!" shouted Bruce. "To protect those closest to me! There wasn't a choice! And how could I tell Two-Face I was Batman?! He would have destroyed everyone I care about with one flip of the coin, maybe even Harvey Dent!"

"I spent years hating you, fighting you, trying to kill you," murmured Two-Face. "And all the time you were my best friend? If I had known that, Bruce, if I had known you were just…trying to help me, I wouldn't have…I…"

He grew furious again. "What kinda idiot are you?!" he shouted. "Trying to take justice into your own hands like that! Going up against the likes of Joker and Penguin and…what if something had happened to you?!"

"Then Gotham would have lost one meaningless playboy," retorted Bruce, quietly. "A small price for it to pay."

"And I would have lost my friend," murmured Two-Face. "You think I could have lived with that when I found out?! You think if I had done it, I would have just gotten over it?!"

"You are a homicidal lunatic!" shouted Bruce. "I think you could've gotten over anything! You could've just flipped your goddamn coin!"

"I can't believe it," growled Two-Face. "I know it's true and I still can't believe it! What would make you do something like that, Bruce?!"

"You tell me!" shouted Bruce. "What made you into a violent criminal waging your own war against the law in Gotham?! An accident?! If you thought your life was over when you lost half your face, you can't possibly imagine what it's like to lose both your parents! You had a bad day once, right, Harv?! And you were so angry that you wanted to make everybody pay for it?! Well, that's what I did. Only I grew up enough to be able to tell the difference between the guilty and the innocent. I didn't need a coin for that."

"You didn't grow up enough to realize that there's no difference," growled Two-Face. "Everyone's guilty of something. The coin just decides if you prosecute or not. But I'm not gonna flip it for you, Bruce. J told me it's too important to leave this to chance, and I agree with him."

Bruce turned to see that Two-Face had a gun aimed at his heart. "I should let you die, but I'm a better friend than you are," he murmured. "So I'm gonna save you, Bruce. You and your boys are coming with me."

"Where?" demanded Bruce.

"Joker Island," retorted Two-Face. "J wants you there. Says it's for your own good. And I trust him a lot more than I trust you right now. My best friend," he added, contemptuously.

His face was a mixture of anger and pain. "You should have trusted me, Bruce," he murmured.

"I didn't get where I am today by trusting people, Harvey," snapped Bruce.

"What, crippled and alone?" demanded Two-Face. "Yeah, that was really worth keeping your secret for, wasn't it?"

Bruce didn't respond. "What would you have done if I had trusted you?" he asked quietly.

"I dunno," murmured Two-Face. "But maybe things could have been a lot different. Maybe I could have been your friend rather than your enemy. Maybe…we could have helped each other overcome the pain."

"Maybe," agreed Bruce. "I guess we'll never know."

"I guess not," agreed Two-Face. They looked at each other in silence and then he murmured, "Well, what are you waiting for? You better start packing."


	16. Chapter 16

"Is it true that the Joker flies victims out here to strand on the island, and then watches them from video cameras he's got set up around the place to see how long they last against the booby traps?" asked Tim as he looked out of the window of the helicopter.

"Sounds like him," muttered Bruce.

"He does do that, but sometimes he likes to hunt them down and kill them himself," said Two-Face, flipping his coin. "Y'know, pitting his brains against the most dangerous game of all, man. I think he saw it in a movie once, and thought it was funny. You know J will do anything for a joke."

"Killing innocent people has never been a joke," retorted Bruce.

"No, just beating them to within an inch of their life without any respect for due process," growled Two-Face.

Bruce glared at him but said nothing. The whole journey from Gotham had been very uncomfortable for everyone involved, and Damian for one was relieved when he saw the Joker's face in island form just below them.

"Welcome to Joker Island!" said an announcement in the Joker's voice. "If you're an expected guest, I hope you enjoy a long and pleasant stay with us! If you're flying over my airspace without my permission, I hope you've enjoyed your pathetic little lives as they're going to be abruptly terminated by a series of anti-aircraft missiles! Looking at you, Virgin Atlantic. How many planes of yours do I have to blow up, Branson, before you take the hint? Anyway, depending on your visitor or intruder status, I'll either see you soon, or see you in hell! Love, your adoring Uncle Joker!"

"He never changes, I'll say that for him," sighed Bruce.

The helicopter landed and Damian jumped out, turning around to help Bruce. Suddenly, two dark shapes came pelting at them from out of the jungle, abruptly intercepted by Ace, who leapt out of the helicopter and began fighting with Stan and Ollie.

"Really takes you back, huh, Brucie?" chuckled a familiar voice as the canines ripped and bit each other. "Except there was less biting and slobbering with us. Not that I wouldn't have enjoyed that!"

They turned to see Joker smiling at them, leaning on his cane with Harley on his arm, and flanked by Arleen, J.J., and Ivy.

Ollie's teeth suddenly tore through Ace's ear, and he whimpered. "Call them off now!" shouted Bruce, hurrying over to his dog.

"Aw, wanting to spoil the fun already, Brucie?" sighed Joker. "You never change. Hey, Stan, Ollie, down!" he shouted.

The hyenas ignored him. "I said down, boys!" he repeated.

"Babies, sit!" shouted Harley. At the sound of her voice, they instantly obeyed, releasing Ace and sitting down calmly.

"Thank you, Harley," growled Joker. He came over to where Ace was leaning against Bruce's leg, whimpering. "He'll be fine," Joker said, shrugging. "Just a scratch. It'll take more than that to hurt the Bat-dog, eh, Batsy?"

Bruce glared at him, stroking Ace gently. Joker studied him, his smile looking a little forced. "You do look…old," he said quietly. Then he grinned again. "Got a cane too, I see!" he chuckled, nodding at Bruce's. "Shall we see whose is bigger? I imagine after all these years, people really wanna know."

"What are we doing here?" demanded Bruce.

"You're here to be protected, just like I said, Batsy," retorted Joker.

"_You're _going to protect us?" asked Bruce. "Why? What's the joke?"

Joker grinned. "Well, think about what you just said, Brucie! The Joker protecting Batman – that's kinda a good joke, huh? Comedy's all about the unexpected, and nobody ever would have expected that!"

Bruce approached him, towering over him. "I know all about your jokes," he muttered. "And I know you'd think it would be really funny to lure us here and promise protection, and then end up killing us all."

"Yeah, in theory that would be kinda funny," agreed Joker. "But I made a promise to my little girl that I wouldn't hurt you. And breaking my promise to her wouldn't be funny, Bats. Not at all."

Arleen hugged her father, leaning her head against his chest. Bruce glared from one to the other. "You being a good father would be quite the joke," he growled.

Joker grinned. "Precisely, Bats," he murmured. "Heard you're having a little trouble with your own kiddies. Guess you haven't learned the secret to being a good parent yet, huh?"

"And what is that, precisely?" demanded Bruce.

"Simple," said Joker, kissing Arleen's cheek. "Love 'em however they turn out. Even if you don't approve of everything they do, like falling in love with Bats."

"That was always her father's problem too," sighed Ivy.

Joker grinned. "Sorry we had to spread your secret identity around, Bats, but it's your son's fault for being careless," he said. "Anyway, Harvey's trustworthy and Pammie's pratically family. But she's not a blood relation, so it's all ok."

"What's all ok?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Nothing, pooh bear," laughed Joker, kissing her. "Well, c'mon inside, Batsy! Don't stray off the path or you'll run into the minefield. Or as I call it, the Zen Garden."

Joker put his arm over Bruce's shoulder and led him toward the mansion with the others following. Arleen stayed behind to wait for Damian. "Hi," she murmured, smiling, when they were alone.

"Hi," he said, smiling back.

She raced into his arms and hugged him fiercely. "I missed you," she whispered.

"So did I," murmured Damian. He tilted her chin up and kissed her gently.

"You look better like this," she said, grinning at him. "In non-Robin clothes."

"Well, nobody can really pull off that suit," retorted Damian, shrugging.

"I bet I could," she murmured. "Literally pull it off, that is."

"That a joke?" asked Damian, grinning.

She shrugged. "Runs in the family," she whispered.

He laughed and took her hand. She squeezed it tightly as she leaned against him, heading toward the mansion.

"No, don't touch the doorknob," said Arleen, seizing Damian's hand as he reached for it. "It sprays acid. The family knows you release the latch by pressing the door knocker," she said, pressing a button on a clown's face hanging on the door. It swung open.

"I'm glad you're here," commented Damian as they went inside. "Your Dad can't be afraid of burglars all the way out here?"

"No, he just thinks it's funny to deform visitors," replied Arleen. "He's got a wicked sense of humor."

"Yeah," agreed Damian, slowly. "You don't…think hurting people is funny, do you, Leenie?"

She shrugged. "It can be. It depends on who it is. I don't think hurting people I love is funny, no. And neither does Daddy. That's why you're safe here," she murmured, kissing his cheek. "Anyway, J.J.'s the one who inherited Daddy's sense of humor. I just wanna make him happy, like Mommy."

"And he's happy about us?" asked Damian.

Arleen grinned. "He's happy when I'm happy," she murmured. "So yes."

Damian was happy too, despite the incredible awkwardness at dinner that evening. Everyone just sat in silence, glaring at each other. "Ain't you gonna eat, Brucie?" asked Harley, nodding at his full plate.

"I'm not hungry, thanks," retorted Bruce.

"Aw, you can't starve yourself while you're here, Bruce!" exclaimed Harley.

"It would be preferable to being poisoned," retorted Bruce.

"I ain't poisoned the food, Batsy," snapped Joker.

"It tastes suspicious," growled Bruce.

"Yeah, that's just Harley's cooking," retorted Joker.

"Puddin'!"

"In his defense, Harley, you're not the best cook," said Ivy.

"You do it next time then, Red!" shouted Harley.

"I offered to!" retorted Ivy.

"Yeah, but you had to run off and go cry when I started making the salad! It's pathetic!"

"Don't talk to her like that!" said both J.J. and Two-Face at the same time.

"I won't be called pathetic by you, Little Miss Doormat!" shrieked Ivy.

"Everyone shut up!" shouted Bruce as Harley stood up.

"That ain't a very nice way for a guest to talk, Brucie…" began Joker.

"I will beat you," growled Bruce.

"Oooh, now you're talking, Batsy!" chuckled Joker. "Go ahead – it'll be just like old times!"

"Dad, please don't fight," murmured Damian, quietly. "We are guests here. We should act like it."

"At least you've taught your kid some manners," retorted Joker, nodding at Damian.

Bruce said nothing, sitting down slowly. "I'm sorry for my father's behavior, Mr. Joker," said Damian.

"Don't you dare apologize to him for me!" snapped Bruce. "He's a murdering psychopath…"

"He's my girlfriend's Dad," interrupted Damian. "And I'm trying to make a good impression."

Arleen squeezed his hand tightly. Joker chuckled. "Y'know, I do like you, kid," he said, raising his glass to Damian. "Leenie ain't got bad taste. For a Bat, you're all right." He sipped from his drink slowly, grinning. "Wouldn't it be great if we ended up as in-laws, Batsy?" he chuckled. "We'd be spending Christmas and Thanksgiving with each other, one great, big, happy Joker-Bat family!"

"Over my dead body," growled Bruce.

"You're not willing to let bygones be bygones for the sake of our kids?" asked Joker. "That's a little sad, Brucie, I ain't gonna lie. Just because you've ruined your own life doesn't mean you should ruin your kid's life as well…"

"I'll tell you what will ruin his life!" shouted Bruce, standing up again. "Becoming in any way, shape, or form further involved with this family of monsters! You're all evil, every single one of you! And I can't prevent Damian from doing what he wants, but I am never going to be happy about it, and we are never going to be friends, Joker! And I hope to God Damian gets over this ridiculous infatuation before we can end up as in-laws!"

"Dad, please…" began Damian, but Arleen suddenly stood up and rushed from the room without another word.

"Leenie…" began J.J., standing up to go after her, but Joker held up his hand.

"Let Damian go," he murmured. J.J. sat back down slowly, glaring at Damian, who stood up.

"I'd like to apologize again, Mr. Joker," he murmured. "Please believe my father doesn't speak for me. His heart's become bitter and twisted, but loneliness tends to do that. Any father who really loved me would be happy for me, as you are for your daughter. I envy her a loving Dad."

"Damian…" began Bruce.

"I'm going to look after my girlfriend," he murmured. "Excuse me."

He left the table without another word. Bruce looked after him. "I'm…sorry," he muttered, looking at Joker. "I am sorry about a lot of things, I…" He looked around the table, his gaze resting at last on Two-Face. "Excuse me," he muttered suddenly, leaving the table.

Ace trailed after him as Bruce hobbled out onto the balcony, watching the sun set over the sea. He took a deep breath. He shouldn't have lost his temper like that, but the way his and the Joker's lives had turned out bothered him. It wasn't right, and it wasn't just. The Joker had been evil and selfish his whole life and now had everything he ever wanted. Wealth, a loving family, his own island, for goodness sake. And Bruce had been selfless and noble, and had nothing. Not even a family who loved him. His own son resented him, and Bruce couldn't say that he blamed him. Ace whined, nuzzling his leg, and Bruce petted him, lost in thought.

"Bruce?" asked Tim gently, joining him. "You ok?"

"I will be," he murmured. "I hope I…will be."


	17. Chapter 17

Damian knocked on the door to Arleen's room. "Leenie? It's me."

"Come in," she murmured quietly.

He entered, shutting the door behind him. Arleen was sitting on the bed, looking out at the sun setting over the sea from her window. "You ok?" murmured Damian, sitting down and putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah," she murmured, wiping her eyes. "I just…don't like people insulting my Daddy."

"I would never do that," murmured Damian.

"I know," she whispered. "I know. You're different."

She held his hand gently and forced a smile. "Anyway, your Dad doesn't have anything to worry about. We won't force 'em to be in-laws."

"Won't we?" asked Damian, gently.

She laughed. "Well, c'mon, Damian," she said, smiling at him. "Can you really see yourself married to me?"

"Yes," he replied sincerely. "Why is that funny to you?"

She shrugged. "I…dunno," she said, slowly. "I just never thought…anyone would want to marry me. The Joker's daughter, y'know…I mean, my parents will probably be in the in-laws from hell."

"Can't be any worse than mine, obviously," retorted Damian. "He's like a Bat outta hell."

Arleen laughed. "He wants to protect you. I don't blame him," she murmured.

"I do," retorted Damian. "He doesn't listen. He's stuck in some past where the world was black and white, and he was the hero and your Dad was the villain. But the world has changed, and he refuses to see that. He refuses to see that we're not black and white."

"Maybe we are," murmured Arleen. "I mean, I do wear white makeup, and you should be wearing a black batsuit…"

She trailed off, grinning. "You did look good in the batsuit, y'know. I like a guy in a cape."

"You should love Robin, then," retorted Damian, smiling.

She laughed again, leaning her head against him. "You will be Batman eventually," she murmured.

He shook his head slowly. "No. I don't wanna be, Leenie. Not if it means I can't be with you. I mean…Batman could never have a…wife."

She grinned up at him. "That a joke?" she asked.

"No," he murmured. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. Ten years in fact. I…could never see myself marrying anybody else but you."

He stood up slowly and began pacing. "After…our disastrous date, a lot of my friends encouraged me to go out and get over you," he said. "They took me out to bars, introduced me to girls, y'know…"

"Will I start to get incredibly jealous if you finish this story?" asked Arleen, smiling at him.

"No," he retorted. "Because it…uh…didn't work. I couldn't stop thinking about you. The guys told me it would go away if you gave it time, but time passed, and it didn't. Year after year, all I could think about was you. And so one night…"

He smiled to himself. "I…erm…had quite a lot to drink and…I…uh…went out and…bought a ring."

"A ring?" repeated Arleen.

"Yeah…an…engagement ring," he said. "I had it inscribed and everything – _To Leenie, love you forever, Damian_. I felt kinda an idiot when I woke up the next day but…well, I couldn't really return it, could I? And I…didn't want to return it. So I kept it in the hope that one day I could…give it to you and…ask you the question I've always wanted to ask you. I…uh…always carry it with me," he murmured, reaching into his pocket.

Arleen stared at him. "Damian, are you…"

He knelt down and she clapped a hand to her mouth. "No…Damian, no!" she whispered, tears in her eyes. "You don't wanna…"

"I do," he interrupted firmly. "I wanna ask you, Arleen Joker, if you'll do me the incredible honor of becoming my wife. I know I don't deserve you, because…well, I'm Robin. But if you'll accept me and love me for who I am, then…well, I guess even being Robin won't be so bad."

She choked on a mixture of a sob and a laugh as he held the ring out to her. Then she nodded. "Yes!" she cried, leaping into his arms. "Yes, yes, yes! Oh, I love you, Damian! I love you even if you'll always be Robin!"

"That _is _love," agreed Damian, grinning at her. He kissed her tenderly. "But you've made me the happiest birdie in the world."

He slid the ring onto her finger and it suddenly fell off. "Uh…may have got the size wrong…" said Damian slowly as he bent down to pick it up. "I was drunk, but…it's fine – we can get it adjusted…"

Arleen burst into a fit of giggles and threw herself into his arms, kissing him passionately. She dragged him down on the bed and Damian drew away gently.

"You sure you wanna…" he began.

"Yes," she interrupted. "But if anyone asks, I slept with Batman," she added, grinning.

"They won't hear the truth from me," retorted Damian, smiling. "And I'll try not to be too jealous of Tim."

Arleen giggled again, and then seized him around the collar and pulled him down to her.


	18. Chapter 18

As a gesture of peace after dinner, Ivy had volunteered to help Harley with the dishes. It was the least she could do after insulting her friend's cooking, she reasoned, and after taking advantage of her hospitality by staying on her island. Also, taking advantage of her son without her knowledge. Not that she was taking advantage of J.J. – if anything he was taking advantage of her. She never would have stayed with a guy like him before, and she couldn't imagine why she was doing so now. But the thought of not being with J.J. was absolutely unbearable. Ivy had never felt that way about a man before, but she knew Harley had. And as she dried the dishes, she felt a momentary pang of regret for being so hard on Harley's relationship all these years. She wasn't any better than her now, and now she finally understood all the stuff Harley had told her all those years ago, the stuff she had thought was nonsense, about not feeling she could live without a particular man, and staying with him even though she wasn't treated right. About there being more important things than her own pride.

Harley didn't hold a grudge, and was whistling happily as she washed, clearly having forgotten all about Ivy's comments at dinner. She beamed at her. "You ok, Red?" she asked. "You're awfully quiet."

"Yeah…just…uh…thinking about something," murmured Ivy.

"Is it about how handsome Mr. J looks in his swimming trunks?" sighed Harley.

"Uh…no," retorted Ivy. "And if it was, you'd probably kill me. I know how…protective of your family you are."

Harley shrugged. "Well, a mother always worries, Red," she said. "If anything it gets worse as the kids get older. When they're young, you can protect 'em. But when they're out there on their own, making choices that might get 'em hurt, and all you can do is stand by and watch…well, it's hard. Mr. J's much better at it than me. I never would have encouraged this Damian thing."

"Well, you of all people should know that you can't help who you fall in love with," said Ivy, shrugging.

"Yeah," sighed Harley dreamily. "But puddin's such a great guy."

She had stopped washing the dishes and was staring blankly into the middle distance, a goofy grin on her face. "Uh…Harley…hate to interrupt the fantasy," said Ivy, slowly. "But I kinda…need your advice."

Harley turned to look at her, stunned. "You need…_my _advice?" she repeated. "But…nobody ever asks my advice, not even Mr. J! Everybody thinks I'm just a dumb blonde floozy…"

"I've never thought that," interrupted Ivy. "I've just believed your opinions could sometimes be a little…misguided. But, well…at this moment in time, I'm starting to see your point of view."

"What's the trouble, Red?" asked Harley.

Ivy sighed heavily. "I'm…in love with a guy who…won't take our relationship seriously."

Harley giggled. "Story of my life!" she laughed. "Mr. J don't take anything seriously. Well, except for the kids, because he's such a good Daddy…"

"Yeah, but this guy's not the Joker," interrupted Ivy. "However much he might resemble him," she muttered under her breath.

"Does he love you?" asked Harley.

"I…think so," said Ivy, slowly.

Harley shook her head. "You can't think, Red, you gotta know," she said, firmly. "I always knew, deep down. It's a feeling in some place you can't even describe, like a mixture of your heart and your stomach. And when he ain't there, you're missing that part of your body. And when he is, you're whole and complete again."

"He doesn't treat me right," muttered Ivy. "But I love him despite that."

"Sure ya do, Red," agreed Harley, nodding.

"I love him without expecting anything in return," continued Ivy. "It's stupid, really."

"It's selfless," murmured Harley. "That ain't stupid, Red. That's true love."

Ivy sighed. "I don't need you to excuse my relationship for me, Harley," she muttered. "I just wanted to tell you that…I'm sorry. All these years and I just didn't understand what you were feeling, so I told you it was wrong. It's not wrong. It's just…different. And scary, to feel so dependent on one guy…I mean, what if you lose him?"

Harley paused in her washing. "You will one day," she murmured. "You lose everything. That's life."

She turned to look at her. "But would you rather spend your old age alone remembering regret and heartache, or indescribable happiness? I know which one I'm gonna remember, Red."

Ivy smiled at her. "You won't be alone, Harley," she murmured, hugging her. "You got me, you got your kids, and you got J. And we ain't going anywhere. Not for a long time."

"Nope, I can't seem to get rid of you, Red!" laughed Harley. "I'm kidding, you stay on the island as long as you like," she said. "The kids are real fond of you, J.J. especially."

"And…I'm real fond of him," said Ivy slowly. "Of both of them, of course."

"So who is this guy, Red?" asked Harley, returning to the dishes. "Do I know him?"

"Er…maybe," said Ivy, slowly.

"You and Harvey aren't still doing your on-again, off-again thing, are you?" asked Harley. "Cause you think after about thirty years you could make a decision about whether you wanted to be on or off."

"No, Harvey and I haven't been together for some time," replied Ivy. "I don't think he's interested anymore."

"Aw, that's kinda sad," said Harley. "I always thought you both loved each other deep down, and you'd realize it one day. But if you're happy with this new guy, Red, I'm happy for you."

"He's…uh…not exactly a new guy," said Ivy, slowly. "We've been sorta together for…about ten years now."

"Yeah?" asked Harley, surprised. "Well, when do I get to meet him, Red?"

"Uh…soon, hopefully," said Ivy. "When we're both…uh…ready." She cleared her throat. "I'm just gonna…go get ready for bed, actually. Tired, got a headache, y'know…"

"Ok, Red," said Harley, beaming at her. Ivy left her humming happily to herself as she finished off the dishes. She returned to her bedroom and changed into a thin, green negligee and then sat down on the bed, waiting.

A knock came on her door. "Come in," she murmured, spreading herself invitingly over the bed.

She sat up suddenly when Two-Face entered the room. "Oh…Harvey," she stammered, reaching for her robe. "I wasn't…ah…expecting you."

"Who were you expecting, dressed like that?" he asked, puzzled.

"Uh…no one," stammered Ivy. "I was just…uh…heading to bed, actually."

He gazed at her. "You look beautiful," he murmured. "As always."

"Thanks," she murmured. "Um…what are you doing here, Harvey?"

He looked nervous. "Look, I…uh…it's been a long time, since…we were together, but…that doesn't mean I haven't wanted us to be together. I've haven't stopped thinking about you…"

"Harvey, no," said Ivy, gently but firmly. "I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm really touched and flattered that you still feel that way about me after all these years, but I've…found someone else."

"Oh," he said, stunned. "Oh…I…didn't know."

He was silent for a long time. "It's…serious, with this other guy?"

"Yeah," murmured Ivy. "Yeah, I…I've fallen in love with him, Harvey."

He forced a smile. "Well, what's he got that I haven't?"

She smiled back. "Certainly not your feelings for me," she murmured. "At least, not that he shows. But like I said to Harley earlier, you can't help who you fall in love with."

Two-Face's eyes narrowed. "He don't treat you right?" he murmured. "You tell me who he is and I'll straighten him out."

Ivy grinned. "You're sweet, Harvey," she murmured. "But I can handle my own relationship."

Two-Face nodded slowly. "If he hurts you, Pammie…"

"He doesn't hurt me – it's not like that," murmured Ivy. "I'm just…not his only woman. I know I'm special to him, but he just…doesn't show it."

"Sounds like J," retorted Two-Face.

"No, it's…uh…not J," said Ivy, slowly. "It's…"

The door to her bedroom opened at that moment and J.J. strode in, wearing his robe. "Sorry I'm late, Auntie, but I hope the delay's only made your appetite stronger…"

He suddenly noticed Two-Face, who stared at him in horror. "Oh…damn," murmured J.J.

Two-Face gazed from one to the other, incredulous. "You…and the kid?" he stammered.

"Yes, Harvey," murmured Ivy.

Two-Face stared at J.J. "You been…treating Pammie…just like one of your other floozies?"

"No, not _just _like," retorted J.J. "Although we do have casual sex…"

Two-Face punched him hard across the face. "Casual sex?!" he shouted. "If that's all she means to you, you don't deserve to have her!"

"Well, I didn't exactly see you rushing to marry her, Uncle Two-Face…" began J.J., climbing slowly to his feet.

Two-Face punched him again. "Don't you dare call me Uncle, you little brat!" he shouted. "I don't want anything more to do with you! And I'm shocked Pammie does – she deserves so much better than some selfish and heartless little kid who just uses her! You need to wake up and appreciate the treasure you've found before she stops waiting around for you!"

"Like she did for you, Uncle?" snapped J.J. "I certainly don't blame her for wanting someone who actually showed a physical interest in her, someone younger and with a complete face…"

"Well, lemme fix that for you!" shouted Two-Face, punching him hard across the face. J.J. retaliated and the two were quickly engaged in a full-scale fistfight. Ivy couldn't deny she was a little flattered to have two guys beating each other up for her, but she didn't want to see either of them hurt, and she didn't want the noise of the fight to alert the rest of the family.

"Both of you stop it now!" she shrieked, stepping in between them and shoving them apart. "Harvey, I appreciate you dueling for my honor, but there's no need to defend me from J.J.! J.J., Harvey has always been an incredibly decent man and a very caring lover towards me! It's not his fault he's lost me – it's my choice, and I have chosen to be with J.J., because I love him. So if you wanna blame someone for our relationship, Harvey, you blame me."

Two-Face glared at her. "If he hurts you, I'll kill him!" he growled. And he stormed from the room without another word.

"You ok?" asked Ivy, embracing J.J. tenderly.

"Yeah," muttered J.J., rubbing his jaw. "I dunno what his problem is, though."

"He loves me," murmured Ivy. "It's hard to see the person you love with someone else, especially if you don't think the someone else deserves them."

J.J. snorted. "And he thinks he deserves you, does he? He had his chance. It didn't work out. Maybe he should get over it."

"Easier said than done," murmured Ivy. "Or have you really learned nothing from your mother?"

He looked at her. "Do you want him?" he demanded.

"No," she murmured. "I told him, and I told you. I love you."

She took his face in her hands, smiling. "Now let Auntie kiss your boo boo and make it all better, J.J.," she murmured, bringing her lips to his.

J.J. chuckled. "I imagine that little punch up was just the thing to put you in the mood."

"Wasn't it for you?" she asked.

J.J. giggled. "I am my father's son," he murmured, pressing her down on the bed. "What do you think?"

"Mmm, Harvey's not Batman, though," replied Ivy, grinning.

"Well, the last thing we need is him coming in here and spoiling all the fun," murmured J.J., enveloping her mouth.


	19. Chapter 19

Ivy lay in his arms afterwards, gazing tenderly at him as he slept. At least, she thought he was asleep, but he suddenly stirred, tightening his embrace. "Auntie?" he murmured.

"Yes, J.J.?" she whispered, kissing him gently.

He yawned. "Love you," he murmured.

She stared at him. "What?" she whispered.

He yawned again, rolling over. "Don't tell me you're getting hard of hearing in your old age," he murmured. "I said I love you."

She continued to stare at him, not quite believing what she was hearing. "I…love you too, J.J.," she whispered.

"Yes, I know," he retorted. "Go to sleep now."

Ivy curled up against him, kissing the back of his neck. She shut her eyes, beaming in happiness, and felt herself beginning to drift off.

She woke up suddenly as she felt a dark shape looming over her.

"J.J., look out!" she shrieked, seizing him and pulling him over to her side of the bed, just in time. A second later, a knife was buried in the pillow where his head had been.

J.J. started up, seizing the gun from underneath Ivy's pillow and pointing it at the intruder. There was a man standing by the side of the bed, a man in a Bat costume. J.J. stared at him.

"You're…not Batman!" he stammered.

"I should be!" shouted the figure. "I'm not afraid to do what Batman needs to do! Like wiping scum like you from the face of the earth!" he shouted, raising his wrist. A hail of bullets shot out from the gun on his arm, and J.J. shoved Ivy off the bed, landing on top of her and crouching down behind the bed as he waited for the firing to stop.

It did at last and he leapt to his feet, raising his own gun and returning fire. But he was shooting at nothing. The window was open and the figure had gone.

J.J. stared at where he had been, breathing heavily for a few minutes. Then he seized his robe and raced from the room. "J.J., where are you going?" asked Ivy, grabbing her robe and rushing after him. "J.J…"

J.J. threw open the door to Damian's room. It was empty. "He's not here!" growled J.J., tightening his grip on the gun and looking around.

"Who's not…" began Ivy.

"J.J., I heard shots, what's going on?" asked Arleen, racing down the hall toward him.

"I was attacked," growled J.J.

"Attacked? By who?" asked Arleen, puzzled.

"Batman," retorted J.J. "But not the real Batman."

"J.J., what are you…"

Damian appeared at that moment, racing after Arleen, and J.J. suddenly raised the gun to his face. "Where have you been?" murmured J.J., quietly.

"In bed," retorted Damian. "Why?"

"You haven't slept in your bed," hissed J.J., nodding at the undisturbed sheets. "So I'm gonna ask you again. Where have you been?"

Damian looked calmly back at him but didn't respond. "J.J., he hasn't done anything…" began Arleen.

"I was attacked by a guy who said he should've been Batman!" shouted J.J. "And there's only one guy I know who thinks he should be Batman!"

"It wasn't him, J.J.!" shouted Arleen. "It couldn't have been!"

"Why not?" demanded J.J.

"Because he's…been with me the whole night," murmured Arleen.

J.J. stared at her. "You mean you…and he…"

His eyes narrowed as his finger suddenly tightened on the trigger. "What the hell have you done to my sister?!" he shrieked.

"Asked her to marry me!" shouted Damian. "And she's accepted me!"

"You're not worthy of her!" shouted J.J. "No Bat is worthy of my sister! And I'm gonna make you pay for touching her!"

"J.J., don't you dare hurt him!" yelled Arleen, stepping in front of Damian. "I'll never forgive you! I love him!"

"Let's all just take a deep breath, count to ten, and calm down, kiddies," murmured the Joker. He and Harley had appeared from their bedroom at the sound of the screaming. "This is only gonna end in tears, and I think everyone knows how much I hate unsmiling faces. J.J., gimme the gun."

"But Daddy…"

"I said gimme the gun!" shouted Joker. J.J. obeyed instantly and Joker looked around at the assembled group. "Now let's all go into the living room and calmly figure out what's going on. Harley, fix me a drink."

The Joker listened intently while everyone explained the situation. Harley returned with his drink and he sipped it calmly, saying nothing for a moment. Then he stood up, leaning on his cane. "J.J., I need you to come with me, and I need the rest of you to stay here."

J.J. stood up and followed him out of the room and down the hall. "Where are we going, Daddy-o?" he murmured.

"To do a little snooping," muttered Joker.

He opened the door to the security room, where cameras flashed live images from all over the island. J.J. sat down, studying them all, and then moving them backward and forward.

"There," said Joker, pointing at a screen. A dark figure hurried through the jungle, running fast. "Can you zoom in?"

J.J. did, and there was no mistaking the costume. It was Batman. A few seconds after he passed in front of the camera, two more dark shapes followed him. Joker grinned. "Good boys," he murmured at Stan and Ollie. "Track him for Daddy."

The feed from the cameras followed the figure through the jungle until he stopped at last in front of the abandoned mining facility. He looked around carefully and started back as Stan and Ollie suddenly jumped out at him, biting and clawing him. He managed to disappear inside the building, but not before Stan tore a chunk of his cape off. They growled at the closed door and then rushed away, back toward the mansion with the cape in their mouths.

Bruce had been sleeping restlessly when he suddenly started awake to see a figure bending over him. "Don't pretend you haven't fantasized about this," chuckled Joker. "I know I have."

"What the hell are you doing in here?" demanded Bruce, struggling to sit up.

Joker held up the piece of cape. "I need a Batman to cast a Bat-eye over this and tell me if it's a genuine Bat-cape," he chuckled. And then his face grew stern as he pulled out his gun. "And if it is, he owes me a lotta explanations. Like why one of your Bat-family tried to kill one of mine. And if I don't like the explanations, Batsy, well, I might just have to kill one of you anyway. Starting with your little Bat-brat."


	20. Chapter 20

Bruce stared hard at the cape in front of him. "Well?" demanded the Joker at last, keeping his gun fixed on him.

Bruce sighed heavily, turning to him. "It's WayneTech fiber," he muttered.

"How on earth did some stranger get ahold of that?" asked Tim.

"That's what I'd like to know," retorted Bruce, struggling to his feet as he leaned on his cane.

The entire household had been woken and was gathered in the living room. Hamill was doing his best to see that everyone had a drink, suppressing a yawn now and then.

Bruce turned to Joker. "You say he disappeared into the mining facility? Do you know where the tunnels lead?"

Joker shrugged. "Underneath the island. All over it, probably. I boarded the place up when I bought it because I didn't have any use for it. No joke in an old mining facility."

"It's possible someone accessed the island through one of the tunnels," muttered Bruce. "They may be hiding out in there now."

"And which one of your Bat family would do a thing like that?" asked Joker, grinning.

"This isn't one of my…"

"Then how come he has your suit and your cape?" demanded J.J. "I know the Batsuit when I see it. It was an exact replica. And if this cape is WayneTech like you say, it seems to me this guy has got your technology down to a tee."

"Could have been stolen," retorted Tim.

"From the Batcave?" demanded J.J. "Thought you had security in that place."

"The best criminals can get around the best security," retorted Bruce. "As you well know."

Joker looked at him. "You sure you ain't got any Bat brats gone AWOL?" he asked. "This kid wasn't the only Robin."

"The other is in Bludhaven," retorted Bruce. "There are eyewitnesses who can confirm he's there now."

"And there's no one else?" pressed Joker.

Bruce looked at him. "There was Jason," he muttered. "But you took care of him."

Joker grinned. "Oh yeah, the little birdie whose wings I broke. Gotta say, I'm tempted to do that to your kiddie too, if my little girl wasn't crazy in love with him."

He knocked back his drink and then said, "Well, what are we waiting for? Better go have a Bat Hunt in that mining facility. My favorite game!" he chuckled.

"I'm going with you," muttered Bruce.

"And I'm going with Bruce," said Tim.

"I'm also going with my father," said Damian.

"And I'm going with Damian," murmured Arleen.

"I'm looking after my sister," said J.J., standing up.

"And I'm going with J.J.," said Ivy.

"I'm going with Pammie," muttered Two-Face.

Harley looked at them. "Well, you ain't leaving me behind!" she snapped.

"We can't all go!" retorted Joker.

"We're not – Hamill's staying," retorted J.J. "Now let's grab some guns and go, Daddy-o."

"You'll wanna follow the babies through the jungle," said Harley as she walked hand-in-hand with the Joker just behind Stan and Ollie, who were sniffing their way just ahead of them. "They know the safe route. Stray off their path and you'll end up in quicksand or poison ivy or God knows what."

"And nobody wants to end up in Poison Ivy, ain't that right?" chuckled Joker, grinning at Ivy. She glared at him, along with J.J. and Two-Face. "Just a joke," he muttered, returning his attention to the path illuminated by the flashlight he carried.

Bruce hobbled along behind him, leaning on Tim's arm. Arleen shrieked suddenly as she mistepped and the ground gave way underneath her foot. Damian had her hand and pulled her back up on solid ground, clasping her against him as he looked down at the revealed pit of sharp stakes.

"One of the Party Pits!" chuckled Joker. "You ok, Princess?"

"Yes, Daddy," she whispered, holding Damian tightly.

J.J. took her other hand. "I'll make sure you get through safely, Leenie," he muttered, glaring at Damian.

"You think I let her slip on purpose?" demanded Damian.

"I don't trust Bats," retorted J.J., keeping his free hand primed on his gun.

"I know it's not a pleasant situation for any of us, J.J.," said Joker, as he pulled out a machete and began hacking through the overhanging foliage. "I know Batsy ain't at all comfortable not being able to beat the crap outta me. But we gotta try to put aside our differences for the moment and just work together. You know how much I hate words like cooperation and teamwork, and you know my golden rule."

"Never just shoot your nemesis," said J.J. "If they've put that much effort into your life, you should put that much effort into their death."

"Not that one – my other golden rule," said Joker. "Although that one is true."

"If you want something done right, do it yourself," said Arleen. "Other people are horrendously incompetant and will ultimately fail you, leaving you crushed in bitter disappointment."

"That's the one, Princess," said Joker, nodding. "But I'm breaking my rule in this situation. I hope I don't live to regret it!" he chuckled.

They arrived at the mining facility without further incident. Joker pushed open the door and shone the flashlight around. "Doncha have some kinda Bat tracking device that can read heat signatures, Brucie?"

"Yes, but I didn't bring my gadgets with me to the island," retorted Bruce. "Harvey wouldn't let me."

"J told me not to let you!" retorted Two-Face. "He said you weren't to be trusted with them!"

"Fortunately J.J.'s here to save the day," sighed J.J., reaching into his pocket and pulling out a tracking device. It began beeping. "He's down in the tunnels, Daddy-o."

They headed down the stairs below ground, entering a vast network of underground tunnels. The pace of the beeping increased as they continued through the dank, abandoned darkness, the echo of the beeping being the only sound aside from the dripping of water.

They stopped suddenly as they reached a bridge, crossing a vast pit that descended into darkness. "Don't look down!" chuckled Joker as they walked, his laughter echoing all around them.

"According to the tracker, Daddy-o, he should be here somewhere," muttered J.J., looking around.

"You sure?" said Joker, shining the light ahead and behind them. "There ain't nobody but us on the bridge. And it's a long way down. I can't see the bottom of the pit."

"Bats hang from the ceiling of caves," muttered Bruce.

"Good job, Bruce," said a strange voice that echoed around them. "Though that conclusion didn't exactly need the World's Greatest Detective to figure it out."

"Daddy, look out!" shrieked Arleen as a black shape dropped from the ceiling. Joker leapt back just in time. The shape landed in front of him and slowly straightened up. It was Batman.

"Who are you?" demanded Bruce, hobbling forward.

The figure grinned. "Doncha recognize me, Bruce?" he murmured. "I guess I have changed, but it's been almost thirty years now, so it's to be expected. You've changed too, I see. Difficult to fly if you can't even walk, huh?"

"You didn't answer my question," growled Bruce.

"Oh, always the tough guy," said the figure, smiling. "Or at least you pretend to be, all scary and intimidating, but you're not really scary, are you, Bruce? Because there's nothing you can really do to hurt people. The criminals and lunatics of Gotham know they can get away with murder, and so they do. That didn't change with you, and it hasn't changed with your little heirs. The only way to stop people like the Joker and the rest of his monstrous family is to kill them. But you'll never do that, will you, Bruce? No, incredible as it is to believe, you've allied yourself with them. You've allied yourself with murderers. And you call yourself a hero."

"Being a hero isn't about being right all the time," muttered Bruce. "Nor it is about being self-righteous."

"This from the great Batman," retorted the figure, mockingly. "The most self-righteous man who ever lived. Who was always right, who always knew best, until he failed. And did he learn from his failure? Did he avenge himself on the people who had hurt him? No. He continued to fight them as he always had, refusing to kill them, and now they're free and happy. They never had to pay for their wrongs. He continued to train young boys to emulate him, putting their lives in danger night after night, and now even more have been brainwashed to lead his ridiculous crusade. He didn't learn anything from his failure. And look at him now."

"Who are you?" repeated Bruce.

The figure smiled. "You're really not the World's Greatest Detective, are you?" he murmured. "But I guess I always thought that title was overrated. Ok, Dark Knight, I'll show you. Prepare to be amazed."

The figure removed his mask, and Bruce started back in astonishment. "You!" he gasped. "But…but no, it can't be! It's not possible!"

"What's the matter, Bruce?" murmured the figure, smiling. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Bruce couldn't respond. He couldn't think. He couldn't do anything but stare in horror and amazement at the smiling face of Jason Todd.


	21. Chapter 21

"Hey, I know you!" exclaimed Joker suddenly. "I beat you to death!"

"Time to return the favor," growled Jason, raising a quarterstaff. Joker immediately countered his blow with his cane, chuckling.

"Aw, so Birdie Boy is back from the dead and wanting to play Batsy, is that it?" he giggled. "Wanting revenge for his pain? Pretty lame scheme, kid, if you don't mind my saying."

"Jason, you were dead!" gasped Bruce.

"See, this is what you never understood, Bruce," retorted Jason. "Death isn't a big deal. It's about as permanent a solution as Arkham Asylum. Well, for some people, of course. The select few. The superior specimens of humanity."

"What are you talking about?" demanded Bruce. "How are you alive?"

"I told you, Bruce!" shouted Jason, striking at Joker again. "I'm a superior being!"

"Well, you ain't a superior fighter, I'll say that for you, kid," retorted Joker, blocking him again. "C'mon, try harder! You can do it!"

"Jason, stop!" shouted Bruce. "Let's talk about this!"

"I'm through with talking, Bruce!" yelled Jason. "It doesn't solve anything!"

"Neither does violence!" shouted Bruce.

"Oh, shut up, Batsy!" retorted Joker. "At least give the kid a break and stop with the platitudes, all right?"

Jason and Joker continued their fight. "You die trying to fight me and you still can't get it through your thick skull that it's a bad idea?" chuckled Joker. "You really must be dense, kid. No, J.J., stay back!" shouted Joker as J.J. started forward. "Everyone stay back. The kid's mine."

"You can't win this time, old man," muttered Jason. "You can't even walk without a cane. You're old and crippled, just like Bruce."

"Cane ain't just good for walking, kid," chuckled Joker. He suddenly pulled the top off his cane to reveal a sword hidden inside. "It's also a great place to conceal weapons!" he laughed.

"Cute. But I prefer my weapons to be a little more modern," retorted Jason, raising his arm. Joker ducked as a hail of bullets whizzed past his head.

"Daddy, let me…" began Arleen.

"No, stay back, Leenie!" he shouted, shoving her back at Harley. "Harley, make sure they do as I say!"

"But puddin'…"

"You do what I tell you, you little brat!" shouted Joker. He smiled at Jason. "I'm a big fan of guns myself, kiddo," he muttered, pressing the head of the cane. A bullet shot out of it, hitting Jason in the shoulder. He fell backward with a cry.

"Maybe I was too quick beating you to death last time," murmured Joker, grinning. "I'll make sure it's more painful this time. What say we try a little disemboweling?" he chuckled, raising his sword.

"I won't let you kill him!" shouted Bruce, intercepting the sword with his own cane.

"That's real noble of you, Bruce," murmured Jason. He grinned. "Foolish, too," he retorted, kicking Bruce in the leg. Bruce fell to the ground, hissing in pain. Jason grabbed his cane and knocked the Joker's sword from his hand.

"My turn to beat you now, old man," he hissed, grinning.

He raised the cane when Damian suddenly stepped in front of Joker, seizing it. "Don't touch him," hissed Damian.

Jason grinned. "Aw, he's trying to be all heroic too, just like his Daddy!" he laughed. "Well, lemme teach you something your Daddy won't teach you, kid," he growled, dropping the cane and reaching for a gun hanging from his belt. He raised it to Damian's face. "There are no such things as heroes," he muttered. "There is only the strong and the weak. The strong must live, and the weak must die. And you're just as weak as your father always was," he hissed.

Damian stared down the barrel of the gun, and time seemed to slow. He saw Jason's finger tightening on the trigger, and then he was suddenly shoved to the ground. He saw Jason being knocked back as the Joker ran into him, fighting against him on the ledge. And he saw Jason knock him off the ledge.

"Daddy!" shrieked Arleen, rushing forward followed closely by Harley and J.J.

Jason turned to Bruce and grinned. "And now the great Joker is dead," he murmured. "Wasn't so hard, was it, Bruce?"

He laughed, which was abruptly cut off as he was suddenly pulled backward by his cape. "Harder than you'd think!" chuckled Joker, who was still hanging on with one hand while dragging Jason's cape with the other. "If I'm going, I'm taking a Bat down with me!"

"Daddy, no!" shrieked Arleen, rushing to the ledge. "Let him go! Give me your hand!"

Jason was struggling against him. He bent down, seizing his gun, and aimed it at Damian. "I'm taking a Bat down with me too!" he shouted.

Joker looked at Arleen and smiled. "Quite the joke, ain't it?" he whispered.

"What?" she whispered.

He grinned. "What I'm about to do. The Joker, having a noble death. Killer gag, really. I love you, Princess," he murmured. Then he yanked Jason violently back, letting go of the ledge as he did so. He fell down into the blackness, laughing hysterically, and Jason followed shortly after, screaming.

"Daddy!" screamed Arleen in agony. "No!"

She stared at where he had disappeared, hearing the echoes of his laugh and Jason's scream, completely numb. She burst into tears and J.J. seized her in his arms, shushing her. Harley just stared down at where he had fallen. "Mr…J," she gasped, eyes filling with tears.

Damian struggled slowly to his feet, rushing over to Arleen. "Leenie, I…"

"Get the hell away from her!" shouted J.J., furiously. "Haven't you done enough?!"

"I tried to save him!" shouted Damian.

"And you failed!" shouted J.J. "Should've expected that from a Bat, really! You're all the same!"

Harley burst into tears and J.J. embraced her too, glaring at Damian. "I'm taking what's left of my family home," he hissed. "You can stay in this cave with yours. That's where Bats belong after all. Alone in the darkness. So why don't you just stay where you belong?"

He helped Arleen to her feet. "Aunt Ivy, Uncle Two-Face, come on," he muttered, leading Arleen and Harley away. Damian tried to catch Arleen's eye, but she didn't even look at him, completely lost in her grief. The sound of her and Harley's sobbing gradually faded away, and Damian stood, with Bruce and Tim, alone in the darkness.


	22. Chapter 22

"Damian…"

"I don't want to talk to you, Dad," muttered Damian, staring at the wall. They were sitting in the cave, around a small fire Tim had built. None of them had spoken since the incident, and Damian had no desire to start now.

"You should have let Joker kill him," he muttered.

"You know I couldn't do that, Damian," murmured Bruce. "I don't believe in killing…"

"And look where that's got you!" shouted Damian. "You and your precious code, that you won't break for anything or anyone! And now Jason's dead anyway, and he's also killed the father of the girl I love! She'll probably never wanna speak to me again! Yeah, it's a real great code, Dad!" he shouted, wiping furious tears away.

"I have to do what I feel is right, Damian…"

"Is this right to you?!" shouted Damian. "Sitting here alone in the darkness! We won't be able to get off the island anyway – if the Jokers don't come to kill us, the traps will! But that's fine, as long as you feel like you did the right thing! That's all that matters to you, isn't it?! You don't care how I feel, or how anyone else feels, just as long as you feel vindicated! Jason was right – you're a real hero!"

"Damian, there was nothing anyone could have done!" shouted Tim. "You don't think Bruce regrets the Joker's death too?!"

"Of course he doesn't!" shouted Damian. "He's always hated him!"

"I never wanted him dead," murmured Bruce. "You have to believe that, Damian."

"It doesn't matter what I believe," muttered Damian. "And it doesn't matter what you believe. The truth is we're stranded down here. And even if we do get out, I'll never see the woman I love again. My life is over. I might as well be dead."

He buried his face in his hands. Bruce looked at him, wishing there was something he could say. But there wasn't. He sighed heavily, leaning back against the wall of the tunnel and shutting his eyes. He needed to think, calmly and rationally. But so many irrational things had happened, making rational thought difficult. Jason had returned from the dead somehow. That was impossible. But it had happened. Jason had been impersonating Batman, trying to kill J.J. That made sense – wanting to kill the son of his murderer. But he had also tried to kill Alice Tetch. And he had killed Alice's parents. Why? What possible reason could he have for doing that? He couldn't want revenge against them – they hadn't done anything to him, and neither had Alice. At least, not that he knew of. If Jason had done that, he had been alive again for at least twenty years. Maybe longer. A lot could have happened in that time, and before it. But he supposed he would never know now, since Jason was dead again. But he had come back from the dead. Maybe he could do it again. He had talked about being a superior specimen of humanity. Bruce knew someone else who talked in language like that, in terms of humans being superior and inferior. Someone who had also come back from the dead many times. Damian's grandfather. Ra's al Ghul.

Batman opened his eyes slowly. "We have to get out of here," he murmured, struggling to his feet.

"Good luck with that," snapped Damian.

"We can probably trace the footprints back to the entrance to the mining facility," continued Bruce, ignoring him.

"And how do we find our way back through the jungle?" demanded Damian.

"We'll deal with that when we get there," retorted Bruce, reaching for his cane. "Come on."

Tim followed him. Damian just sat there, staring at the fire. "Damian, please," murmured Bruce. "I know it hurts. But if you let pain and rage and hatred consume you, you'll end up just like Jason. And…me. You have to fight it. Even if you have nothing left…you always have the fight."

"Is that comforting to you, Dad?" murmured Damian.

"Yes," whispered Bruce. "It's one aspect of my life that's never changed when everything else has."

He sat down next to him slowly. "Jason was right," he murmured. "After his death…nothing really changed. I told myself I wouldn't take on another Robin, that I wouldn't put another kid in danger. And then Tim came along, and I broke that promise to myself. Of course I hated the Joker for what he had done, but I didn't try to take revenge on him for Jason. I understand why he was angry – his death didn't change anything in the grand scheme of things, and nobody wants a meaningless death. But it was anything but meaningless to me. For the first time since my parents, I had to experience the loss of someone I loved like a son. I hope…you'll never have to experience that feeling. It nearly broke me. I couldn't feel anything but grief and pain and guilt. I couldn't think rationally. All I could do was fight. And so I did. And little by little, the pain diminished. It could never disappear – loss like that never goes away. But it was the only thing I could do when faced with pain. It's still the only thing I can do."

He lay his hand on his shoulder. "I can't teach you not to feel. I wish I could. But I can teach you to fight. Please, Damian. Don't give up."

Damian looked at him and then held out his hand, helping him up. "Let's go," he muttered.

They followed the trail of footprints back to the entrance to the mining facility. The jungle stretched out before them, dark and hazardous. Then they heard a rustling in the foliage. "Get back!" shouted Bruce, stepping in front of Tim and Damian.

And then a figure emerged from the underbrush. It was Ace.

He wagged his tail happily, rushing to nuzzle his master. Bruce sighed in relief, kneeling down to pet him "Are we glad to see you!" sighed Tim happily.

Ace managed to lead them on a safe path through the jungle, following the hyenas' trail. They emerged at last on the beach. The mansion was dark and the sea stretched blankly out on the shore ahead of them.

"Should we go back in?" asked Tim quietly.

"I don't think they'll want to be disturbed by us," murmured Bruce. "It's likely J.J. will just shoot us."

"Then how are we gonna get off the island?" asked Tim.

"You'll have to take the speedboat," murmured a voice. They turned to see Arleen standing by the door to the mansion, arms folded across her chest.

"Leenie, I…" began Damian, but she seized his hand and dragged him around behind the mansion with the others following.

"Don't speak, and don't be seen," she muttered. "My brother won't hesitate to kill you in his grief, and nor will the rest of my family. If they find out I've let you go, they'll hate me forever."

"Then why are you doing it?" murmured Damian.

She turned to look at him but said nothing. There was a boat house a little distance behind the mansion, and Arleen pulled the cover off one of the boats to reveal a speedboat named _The Batboat_.

"Daddy's idea of a joke," murmured Arleen, tears in her eyes. She wiped them away hastily and turned to them. "Now get out of here and don't come back. They're already talking about getting revenge for my father by taking out the entire Bat family. You're not safe here anymore, and you're not safe in Gotham. Alice doesn't believe my story about a dead man killing her parents, and nor do Uncle Jervis and Uncle Jonathan. They still want to speak to you. I'd suggest going someplace like Metropolis and setting up a new life there. If Bruce knows that alien guy, I'm sure he'll protect you from my family."

"And what about you?" murmured Damian.

She gazed at him. "I'm a Joker," she whispered. "I'm staying with my family."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her engagement ring, sliding it back into his hand. "I'm sorry, Damian," she whispered, tears in her eyes. "I wish things could have been different."

She turned to walk away, but Bruce seized her shoulder. "Arleen, I know who's behind Jason's return," he muttered. "If I make him talk and admit responsibility for it, will that appease your family?"

"Only if they can kill him," murmured Arleen, smiling without humor. "Blood's the only thing that can appease my family now. It's what my father would have wanted."

She held his hand. "My father always liked you," she murmured, smiling. "He wouldn't have wanted you to end being shot in the face by his son. Not his ideal joke. You heard his rule: never just shoot your nemesis. For his sake, I'm letting you go. For his sake and…for my own," she murmured, glancing at Damian. "But you have to promise me you won't endanger yourselves again."

"I can't do that," murmured Bruce.

She smiled sadly. "Then I'm not responsible for what happens to you," she whispered. "Goodbye, Bruce. Tim," she said, nodding at them.

Bruce and Tim climbed into the boat with Ace following. Damian stood on the shore, staring at her. "Let me stay with you," he whispered.

"I won't let you die for me, Damian," she murmured. "And I can't control my brother in his grief. If he shot you, he'd probably regret it later for my sake. But he wouldn't be thinking about that if he saw you again. He'd just be thinking about killing the man who caused my father's death."

"There has to be something I can do. I won't run away and leave you…"

"Yes, you will," she murmured. "If you love me, that's what you'll do. I couldn't bear to see you hurt. So you've gotta go, Damian. For my sake."

"Leenie…"

"Just go, Damian!" she shouted, tears running down her face. "Go! Before it's too late!"

"Damian, please," whispered Bruce. "Come with us."

Damian looked from Bruce to Arleen, and then slowly headed for the boat. Arleen suddenly ripped him around, seized his face in her hands, and kissed him passionately. "Goodbye," she whispered, drawing away with tears in her eyes.

Tim started the engine as Damian stepped onto the boat. He kept his eyes on Arleen as she grew farther and farther away, until she disappeared from view. Then he broke down and sobbed. Bruce held his son gently, trying to comfort him. But he knew there was nothing he could say.


	23. Chapter 23

"Where have you been, Leenie?" asked J.J. gently as she re-entered the mansion.

"Went out for a walk," she murmured. "Wanted to be alone."

"You should have told me – I was worried," he whispered, embracing her. "I'm not gonna let anything else happen to anyone in my family, you understand that?"

"Uh huh, J.J.," she whispered. She burst into tears and he shushed her tenderly, stroking her hair back. Harley sat on the sofa, staring blankly at the floor with tears rolling down her cheeks. Ivy embraced her gently but she didn't respond except to squeeze her eyes shut and keep crying.

"What's the plan, J.J.?" whispered Harley at last, looking up at him.

"Plan?" repeated J.J. "What plan?"

"Your Daddy would have always had a plan. And you gotta take over from him now," murmured Harley. "You're the man of the house. Your Daddy wouldn't want us just to sit here and cry over him. He was always a man of action. Always…"

She broke off sobbing. J.J. rushed over to her, holding her tightly. "I don't…have a plan, Mommy," he whispered. "I'm not Daddy. I…I dunno what to do."

"Oh, baby, yes, you do," she whispered, kissing the top of his head. "What would your Daddy do?"

"He'd…make 'em pay," murmured J.J.

"Who?" asked Harley.

"Everyone," he muttered.

Harley smiled sadly. "Then that's the plan, baby," she whispered, holding him. "That's the plan."

J.J. nodded slowly. "Time to go on another Bat Hunt then," he murmured, pulling out his gun.

"No point," retorted Arleen. "You won't find them in the tunnels."

He turned to look at her. "Why not?" he asked, softly.

"I…let 'em go," she stammered.

J.J. just looked at her. "Daddy died so that Damian would live," she murmured. "I couldn't make his sacrifice worthless by letting you kill him, J.J. I love him. I…"

He embraced her again, kissing her forehead. "Leenie, I understand," he whispered. "But we gotta be united on this. We're family. We have to stand together."

She nodded slowly. "I will stand with you," she whispered. "Just promise me you won't hurt him. I'll make the rest of the world burn for Daddy, but I gotta keep Damian safe."

"Leenie…"

"Promise her, J.J.," interrupted Harley. "Your Daddy didn't die for nothing. He died for the kid. He understood, and so do I, how important one person can be. We don't touch Damian. But we kill everyone else."

J.J. looked at Arleen. "If we kill Bruce and Tim, would he join us?" he murmured. "Would he betray his own family for you?"

Arleen stared back. "I think…he would," she murmured.

J.J. took her hand. "We take revenge for Daddy," he murmured. "Together, as a family. We make the Bat pay."

"We gotta think of a good gag," murmured Arleen. "Daddy would have wanted that."

Harley grinned. "I got just the thing," she whispered, hurrying from the room. She returned with a folded piece of paper, which she handed to J.J. He unfolded it and another piece of paper fell out. He bent over to pick it up, when Harley seized it suddenly. "No, that's the plan, don't worry about this," she said, hastily trying to conceal the paper.

"Mommy, what is it?" asked J.J.

"It's nothing," retorted Harley. "Nothing you need to concern yourself with. Just look at the scheme…"

J.J. looked at Ivy, who suddenly snatched the paper away from Harley, unfolding it. And her jaw dropped in astonishment. "Harvey, is this…genuine?" she whispered, handing the paper to him.

Two-Face took the paper from her, examining it. "Yeah, seems to be," he muttered, gazing at Harley in surprise. "You and J…got married?"

"He didn't want me to tell anyone," growled Harley, snatching the paper back. "We had it done after I found out I was pregnant - small ceremony in front of a justice of the peace, and we killed all the witnesses. Mr. J didn't want the kids being bastards, he was an old-fashioned kinda guy like that, and he didn't want anyone to try to contest their legitimacy…"

"Why didn't you tell me?" whispered Ivy.

"I told you, Mr. J didn't want anybody to know!" snapped Harley.

"Why not?" asked Ivy.

"Because it wasn't a good joke!" she retorted. "Marrying me because the law was forcing him to! Because_ I_ was forcing him to by getting pregnant…"

Her eyes filled with tears again. "And it didn't matter really," she muttered. "It's just a piece of paper. Just a stupid, long, dull ceremony, no fun at all. A dumb legal formality, as if the law ever mattered. I told him afterwards that he had always been right…I had wanted us to get married for so long, and in the end the whole thing bored me. It was stupid and pointless. Because I was already his and he was already mine. Forever and ever, till death do us part…" She trailed off. "But now…my husband…is dead!" she sobbed.

J.J. seized her in his arms, hugging her tightly. "You're right, Mommy," he whispered. "You're right. The law doesn't matter. And I ain't gonna let it control our lives anymore. I know Daddy-o enjoyed the joke of playing the justice system against Batman, but I'm sick of that joke now. We're gonna go back to our roots, your and Daddy-o's roots, as criminal lunatics. We're gonna show the world that the Joker ain't ever gonna die. We're gonna give Gotham the worst crime spree it's ever seen. And we're gonna kill the Bat. For Daddy."

"For Daddy," whispered Harley.

"For Daddy," murmured Arleen.

J.J. nodded firmly. "Uncle Two-Face, I need you to call Uncle Jervis and Uncle Jonathan, and anyone else from the old days who might wanna help us kill the Bat. Aunt Ivy, I need you to arrange transportation back to Gotham. Mommy, I need you to show us everything Daddy-o has hidden in his armory. Leenie," he said, turning to her. "I need you to call Damian."


	24. Chapter 24

_She crept down the hall, hearing the sound of voices. Her father's voice, and the voice of some henchmen. Daddy was working, and Mommy had told her not to disturb her father when he was working. She reached the door and gently pushed it open to reveal her father leaning over a map, gesturing to some locations. _

"_But boss, how are we gonna get the guns outta the…" began one henchman, but her father noticed her standing in the doorway and held up his hand. _

"_Hold that thought, Roc," he murmured. "I got a more important matter to deal with. Back in a bit."_

_Without another word, he strode to the door. The henchmen watched in astonishment as he bent down and picked up the little girl who stared at him with tears in her wide, blue eyes. "C'mon, Princess, let's get you back to bed," he murmured, carrying her away down the corridor._

"_You have the nightmare again, sweetness?" he murmured._

_She nodded. "I'm scared, Daddy," she whispered, burying her face in his chest_

"_Aw, c'mon, Princess, there ain't nothing to be scared of," he whispered, kissing the top of her head. "Daddy's here. And he ain't gonna let anything happen to his little girl."_

"_But what if the Bat tries to take me away again, Daddy?" she whispered._

"_Then he's gonna get his Bat-brains splattered all over the wall," he said, grinning. "Like a big, pretty, red flower. I'll even let you color it in, but don't tell Mommy."_

_She giggled as he opened the door to her room. J.J. was sleeping peacefully on the top bunk, and he lay her gently down on the bottom bunk. "Now listen to me, Princess," he whispered, tucking her in. "Daddy ain't gonna let anyone touch a hair on your head. He's always gonna be here to protect you. Always. So don't be afraid anymore."_

_She nodded again, hugging him tightly. "I love you, Daddy," she whispered._

_And then the image changed to a different memory, a much more recent one, of her father hanging from a ledge, smiling at her. "I love you, Princess." And then he let go and fell down, down, down…_

Arleen woke up with a start, as the dream-memory faded into blackness. She sighed heavily and sat up, trying to hold back her tears. It didn't work.

She gradually stopped sobbing and left her room, heading to the kitchen to fix herself a drink. She entered and paused on the threshold.

"You're lucky I ain't Mommy," she murmured. "Don't think she could handle this revelation on top of Daddy's death."

Ivy gently pulled her mouth away from J.J.'s, turning to face Arleen. "There's nothing wrong in an aunt trying to comfort her nephew," she muttered.

"It depends what you mean by comfort," retorted Arleen. "And don't worry, Auntie, I know."

"How?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, if you keep excusing yourself from social situations to be together, it's not the most difficult conclusion to come to," said Arleen, pouring herself a glass of water. "And J.J. told me."

"What?" said Ivy, glaring at him.

He shrugged. "I tell Leenie everything. She told me when she first had a crush on Batboy. And Damian."

"I don't disapprove – I just think you need to be more careful about making out in public places like the kitchen if you don't want people to discover you," said Arleen, shrugging.

"I don't think I'm expected to control my actions when I'm grieving," retorted J.J. "And Daddy-o would approve."

"Yeah, he would," murmured Arleen, tears rising to her eyes again.

J.J. and Ivy sat down next to her. "I hated your father," muttered Ivy, folding her arms across her chest. "But even I'm sad that he's gone. More for your and Harley's sake, though."

"The most difficult thing about death is the people you leave behind," agreed J.J. "Dying itself ain't hard. Killing people's one of the easiest things in the world to do."

"You're starting to sound like Daddy, you know," murmured Arleen. "Not that you didn't already."

He shrugged again. "I have to step up and take his place now," he said. "I'm the Joker's first born and heir."

"Only by one minute and thirty-seven seconds," retorted Arleen, grinning.

"Still counts," he said, smiling back. "Anyway, you'll be helping me, I hope."

"Of course," she said, nodding. "I'm used to fighting the Bat. I'll have to teach you everything I know."

"Can't say I won't miss the old life," sighed J.J. "Brucie and I didn't compare notes, but I imagine he thought being a playboy billionaire was as much fun as I did. But you can't be a supercriminal and a playboy billionaire."

"No. Just a superhero. Whatever that means," muttered Arleen.

"I'll need to give Sam a call and tell her it's over," sighed J.J. "Probably sell off all my assets to buy some weapons, henchmen, that kinda thing. I'm keeping Hamill on, though."

"Well, you couldn't really make do without him," agreed Arleen.

"Still, it'll be…quite the change," said J.J., slowly. "I guess you never really know how good you have it until it's gone."

He was silent, staring at the wall. Ivy lay a hand on his arm. "That's why you gotta value the things you have, J.J.," she murmured. "You got your Mom, and your sister. And you got me."

"I do, Auntie," he murmured. "I do."

He continued to stare at the wall, and then suddenly turned to look at her. "You wanna get married?" he asked.

"…what?" said Ivy, stunned.

"Not right away – we'll kill the Bat first," said J.J. "But…y'know…family's important. The people you love are important. And if you do love 'em, you gotta show 'em how important they are. So I'm asking you if you wanna marry me. Y'know, be…well, a real member of the family."

Ivy just stared at him in disbelief. "That may be the worst proposal I've ever heard," she muttered.

"Heard a lot of them, have you?" he retorted. "It's fine, you don't have to…"

"I didn't say no, did I?" she interrupted.

"You didn't say yes either," he said.

She shrugged. "Yeah, ok. Why not?"

"Good. That's settled then," said J.J., nodding.

Arleen took a sip of water. "Congratulations," she said, dryly. "Who's going to tell Mommy the good news?"

"What good news?" asked Harley, entering the kitchen at that moment.

"Uh…got a helicoptor coming to pick us up at nine tomorrow morning, Harl," said Ivy hastily. "We'll get a flight to Gotham after that."

"That ain't great news," retorted Harley.

"And Jonathan and Jervis will be meeting us at the airport, along with Alice," continued Ivy. "They send their condolences, by the way."

"Thanks," murmured Harley. "I guess I ain't the only one who can't sleep, huh?" she said, looking around at them all. "It's just…hard to get used to an empty bed."

Arleen stood up and hugged her tightly. Nobody said a word for several minutes. "There's something I don't understand though," murmured Harley. "Mr. J told me all the time about how he killed this Robin kid. So how's he alive again? People just don't come…back from the dead. They can't. Can they?"

"Not that I've ever heard of," replied J.J.

"I was just thinking of your Daddy, and if there's any hope for…" began Harley, but she broke off in tears.

"I don't wanna hope in vain," she continued at last. "But I just can't accept that he's gone. He's the Joker. He don't…die. He can't die. He just seemed kinda…immortal, y'know? Bad things would happen to him, he'd disappear, but he'd always come back. Always."

J.J. stood up and embraced her too. "If there's a way, Mommy, we'll find it," he whispered. "I promise."


	25. Chapter 25

Bruce Wayne stared at the telephone in front of him. Then he picked it up and dialled a number. It rang and his heart beat faster. And then it stopped when he heard the voice on the other end, "Hello?"

"Talia? It's me," murmured Bruce.

There was silence. "Beloved. It's been a long time."

"Yes," agreed Bruce.

"I'm actually quite busy at the moment, about to have a meeting with Mr. Luthor, so if this can wait…"

"It can't, Talia," he murmured. "It's about our son."

Silence again. "I thought he would always be your first priority," said Bruce. "As he is mine."

"Yes. Yes, of course he is, beloved. Just…wait a moment while I tell Mr. Luthor it's urgent…"

Bruce heard muffled voices, and then Talia's again. "Yes, what about Damian?"

Bruce didn't even know how to begin. "You're still…CEO of Lexcorp?"

"Yes, and very busy as a result," she retorted. "What about Damian?"

"It's a long story," said Bruce.

"Can you summarize it?" she asked.

Bruce sighed. "Very briefly, his life was endangered and so we were all invited to stay on Joker Island, since the Joker's daughter and Damian…have romantic feelings for each other."

He was expecting some sort of response to this, but there was nothing. So he continued. "While on Joker Island, we discovered that Jason Todd has returned from the dead and was trying to be Batman. He…died fighting the Joker, who was also killed in the battle. Jason spoke of being a superior specimen of humanity. And what I want to know, Talia, is why your father would want to bring him back from the dead."

"You assume my father is the one who did it?" demanded Talia.

"Unless you know of anyone else capable of resurrecting him," retorted Bruce. "But I understood that the secret of the Lazarus pits was a closely guarded one."

Talia was silent again. "As you know, beloved, my father and I had a parting of the ways many years ago. Over entrusting our son to your care, in fact. I have not spoken to him since. I have no knowledge of his plans or intentions, and nor do I wish to have. I am done with him."

"Yes. Cutting yourself off from your family was always the best solution for you, wasn't it, Talia?" murmured Bruce quietly.

"I'll ignore the petty insult – it is unworthy of you," retorted Talia. "But if I am allowed one of my own in return, I can see you have not done a particularly capable job raising our son, allowing him to fall in love with scum like the Joker's…"

"You can't choose who you fall in love with, Talia," interrupted Bruce. "You of all people should understand that."

"I do understand that, beloved," she murmured. "And I paid the price for it. I hope Damian does not have to."

"Unless you know where your father is, we all might have to," murmured Bruce. "Tell me if you do, Talia. Please."

The silence was so long this time that Bruce wondered if she hadn't just put the phone down and walked off. "I do not know, beloved," she murmured at last. "But I will find out for you, if I can."

"Thank you, Talia," he whispered. "I'm…sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything," he murmured. "I've…made a lot of mistakes. It's only as you get older that you begin to understand that, when you look back on your life and your regrets. If I could change one thing about my past, it would be what I allowed to happen between us. Damian deserved to have two loving parents. I'm sorry we couldn't give him that."

"So am I, beloved," she murmured. "Now I mustn't keep Mr. Luthor waiting any longer. I will contact you soon with news of my father."

And she hung up the phone. Bruce stared at it for a long time. He was interrupted at last by Tim rushing into the room. "Bruce…you'll wanna see this," he murmured.

Bruce stood up slowly and hobbled his way into the living room, where Damian sat in front of the TV, which was playing images of explosions which seemed to engulf the whole city, fiery buildings, and dead or dying people. "...there has never been a terror attack on Gotham of this magnitude. The city is under emergency lockdown, and people are warned not to venture outside. The highways are grid-locked with people trying to flee, but authorities are warning citizens not to do so as the bridges have been hit with multiple fear gas attacks and people have been seen leaping to their deaths. Information is vague at this time, but eyewitnesses have reported seeing the Scarecrow, the Mad Hatter, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, Harley Quinn, and the Joker twins. So far nobody has reported seeing the Joker himself, but the attacks bear the hallmarks of his own brand of mayhem, as the faces of multiple victims are twisted by Joker toxin. None of the supercriminals have come forward to demand anything, and we can only assume this is a terror for terror's sake attack. The question on everybody's lips is, where is Batman, and can he stop this madness?"

Bruce looked at Tim. "You don't have to go out there," he murmured.

"Yes, I do," murmured Tim. "Are you coming, Damian?"

Damian nodded. "They'll be coming here for you, Dad," he murmured. "You need to get someplace safe."

"Where do you suggest?" asked Bruce.

Damian handed him a map. "Leenie called me," he said. "She says you'll be safe here."

Bruce looked at him. "She saved our lives, Dad," he murmured. "You can trust her. I do."

Bruce nodded slowly. "Ok. I'll…see you later, then."

He walked slowly toward the door, and then turned back. "I'm proud of both of you," he murmured. "You're both…more than worthy to be Batman. And you've done a much better job of being a hero than I ever could."

Tim embraced him tightly and then headed for the Batcave. Damian followed him, when Bruce suddenly seized him in his arms and hugged him fiercely. "I love you, Damian," he whispered.

"I…love you too, Dad," stammered Damian. "Just…go where it says on the map. You'll be fine."

Bruce nodded and released him. He watched him until he disappeared into the Batcave, and then unfolded the map. His eyes narrowed. "I know this place," he murmured.

The location marked on the map was a place called "Aquacade." It had been a fish-themed bar that boasted an aquarium, but it had been shut down years ago. It was where Harley Quinn had tried to kill Batman using one of the Joker's schemes involving piranhas. Despite the so-called "Death of a Hundred Smiles" being the Joker's plan, he hadn't taken kindly to Harley trying to kill his nemesis for him, nor for her over-complicating his joke by hanging the victim upside-down, so he would see the piranhas frowns as smiles. He had shoved her out of the window of the building, and had almost broken every bone in her body. And she had still returned to him. That was madness. Or love. Or both.

As Bruce pushed open the door of the old bar, with Ace following him nervously, he recalled the scene as if it were yesterday. The tank was still there, and, to his surprise, still full of piranhas. That wasn't possible, unless someone had been feeding them or had…brought new ones.

Ace suddenly began barking, and Bruce heard a hiss. He turned to see Ace facing off against a cat, who rushed away from him, down the stairs and out the door. Ace dashed after it. "Ace!" shouted Bruce. "Here, boy!"

"You have a very ill-mannered dog," said a voice.

Bruce whirled around to see, to his astonishment, a little girl appearing from the darkness. At least, she was dressed like a little girl – a little girl from a very different time period. She wore a blue dress and a white pinafore, white tights and black shoes, and her long, blonde hair had a black headband in it. "It's terribly rude to chase an animal without first making its acquiantance," continued the girl. "Asking it 'how do you do?' I'm sure I never meet an animal without making conversation – it's only polite."

Bruce didn't need to be the World's Greatest Detective to figure out who this was. "Miss Tetch, I presume?" he said.

"You may call me Alice," she murmured. "After all, we've known each other for many years, haven't we, Batman?"

"No," retorted Batman. "I'm not the man who killed your parents, Alice. That was Jason Todd."

"A dead man," said Alice. "You are asking me to believe that a dead man returned to life in order to murder my parents? To what end?"

"I…don't know," said Bruce, slowly.

"Curiouser and curiouser," she murmured, smiling. "So this corpse who killed my parents, he is dead again, is he not? Can a man be killed twice? One would think dead is dead. A man can't be double dead, can he? That would be nonsense. It is very convenient that he is double dead, however, since now he cannot atone for his crimes. And he cannot tell me why he did what he did."

She folded her arms across her chest. "I do not like an unsolved mystery, Batman. It is enough to drive anyone mad. Do you think me mad, Batman?"

"I…think you're still very upset over the death of your parents…"

"Oh yes, you understand my pain, don't you?" said Alice, smiling at him. "You lost your parents when you were about as young as me. If I am mad, then so are you. Did you ever find their killer?"

"No."

"How unfortunate. But if you had found their killer, if their killer was standing in front of you, as you are in front of me, what would you do, Batman?"

Bruce was silent. "You wouldn't invite them to tea, would you?" continued Alice. "One can't have tea with a murderer – it shows a distinct lack of etiquette. No, it would not do, Batman. There is only one thing to do with a murderer, and that is to give him a taste of his own medicine. If it were up to me, I would cut off your head."

She smiled. "But it isn't entirely up to me. And going around decapitating people is no way for a young lady to behave. My Uncle has taught me all about how young ladies behave, and I could never disappoint him by acting frivolous."

"What are you going to do?" asked Bruce, quietly.

Alice grinned. "I am going to have a cup of tea," she murmured. "You may join me if you like, if you promise not to tell anyone. It could ruin my reputation if it was discovered that I had tea with a murderer."

She disappeared back into the darkness and reappeared with two cups of tea. She handed one to him. "It's very good tea," she murmured. "Drink up, Batman."

Bruce didn't obey. "Oh, you're not going to be terribly rude, are you?" murmured Alice. "I'll have to give you an etiquette lesson if you are. It is not poisoned, I give you my word."

"You expect me to trust you?" asked Bruce.

Alice stared at him. "I have given you my word," she murmured. "A young lady does not break her word."

She looked deadly serious. Bruce slowly raised the cup of tea to his lips and drank. "It is a specialty of my Uncle Jervis, that tea," she said, nodding as she sipped her own. "Isn't it rather delicious?"

"I can't say I'm a connoisseur of tea," retorted Bruce.

"Then you are missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures," retorted Alice. "A nice cup of tea and a good book. Do you like stories, Batman?"

"I…guess," said Bruce.

"Let me tell you a story," said Alice. "Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Alice. She was a very happy little girl, very good and well behaved, until one day her house was set on fire and her parents killed. The man who did it was a terribly nasty man who dressed like a bat. He flew off, got away, and lived happily ever after. The end."

Bruce looked at her. She smiled. "Not a very good story, is it?" she murmured. "I don't much care for the ending. And I can't understand why the terribly nasty man did what he did. Can you, Batman? Can you tell me why he did it?"

Her wide, blue eyes gazed pleadingly into his. "I wish…I could," murmured Bruce. "I wish I could change what happened to you. But I…"

He stopped talking suddenly as he felt a sharp pain in his skull. He fell to the ground, clutching his head, as his vision swam before his eyes. "You can, Batman," said Alice's voice just before he blacked out. "Your wish has come true. We can change the ending of the story. And we will, together. We will."


	26. Chapter 26

"It can't be that hard to find a rampaging gang of supercriminals!" exclaimed Tim, furiously. "Especially when they leave a trail of destruction the size of Texas in their wake!"

"They're not stupid, Tim," said Damian.

"They're not discreet, either," retorted Tim. "Not usually anyway. They must know we're looking for them and hiding out somewhere. The question is, where?"

"I might know," murmured Damian. "Leenie mentioned…" He trailed off.

"Where?" asked Tim.

"I…I…dunno…it's hard to have to choose between the one you love and your family, Tim," whispered Damian. "I…wish I never had to do it."

Tim lay a hand on his shoulder gently. "Damian, this is a choice between wrong and right. Surely you can see that?"

"Betraying the girl I love is right?" asked Damian quietly.

"Stopping her family from terrorizing Gotham is right," retorted Tim. "By any methods necessary."

"Killing her?" asked Damian, looking at him.

Tim shook his head slowly. "That's never a necessary method," he murmured. "At least not for Batman."

Damian was silent. "I won't hurt her," murmured Tim. "I promise."

"No, just the people she loves," retorted Damian. "Just her mother and brother…"

"It is sad, Damian, but they can't go around destroying innocent lives," muttered Tim. "We can't excuse people everything just because we love them. We can't blind ourselves to what they truly are."

"And what is Leenie?" demanded Damian.

"A criminal," replied Tim. "A Joker."

Damian nodded slowly. "So was her father," he murmured. "And her mother blinded herself to that fact for many years. And they were very happy together."

"Is happiness and self-gratification all you want?" murmured Tim. "It was all the Joker wanted. Can you live as selfishly as he did?"

"Most people do," retorted Damian.

"Are you most people?" asked Tim. "Or are you Batman?"

Damian smiled sadly. "I'm Robin," he retorted. "And that's all I'll ever be."

He shook his head. "There's a place not far from here – an old bar set in a highrise. Leenie said that's where they were going to hide once they got word you were on the way. I'll take you there."

They raced across the rooftops. Damian looked down at the smoking destruction the criminals had left in their wake but said nothing.

They arrived at last at a block of apartments, and Damian nodded at one of the windows. "The room just above the bar," he murmured.

"Let's go," said Tim, grappling over. He crashed through the window with Damian following him.

The room was pitch black. Tim rose to his feet, slowly looking around, and then suddenly fell to the ground as he was struck on the head. "Nice work, Damian," murmured a familiar voice.

A match was struck, and Tim looked up to see, through blurred vision, the face of J.J., lighting a cigar. The lights were suddenly flicked on, and Tim glanced behind him to see Damian with his stick raised. Arleen had pulled the lightswitch and now came over to him, kissing him tenderly. "Thank you, Damian," she whispered.

Damian looked down at Tim in a mixture of pain, guilt and regret. Tim managed to turn to face him, but J.J. had a gun fixed on him, preventing him from fighting. "You betrayed your Dad too?" he murmured.

"I would betray anyone for Leenie," whispered Damian. "But I am sorry it had to be like this."

Tim forced a smile. "So am I," he whispered. "You've made your choice, Damian, and now you gotta live with it."

"Which is more than I can say for you for much longer!" chuckled J.J., blowing out a cloud of smoke into Tim's face. "But first we're gonna reunite the whole Bat family, and then give them one final gag. And trust me, kid," he said, grinning. "It's gonna be a real killer."


	27. Chapter 27

"Mr. J called this gag 'The Death of a Hundred Smiles,'" said Harley Quinn. "It's a pretty complex joke though – you gotta hang the victims upside-down or it don't work. Cause piranhas can't smile, y'see, but if you're upside-down, the frowns look like little smiles. Mr. J ditched it on account of it being too complex to understand, but I'm a gal who likes a challenge."

She was speaking to Bruce and Tim, who were chained and hanging upside-down over the piranha tank. Bruce looked around the room, his gaze finally resting on Damian, who stood staring at the ground, with his arm around Arleen.

"How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail, and pour the waters of the Nile on every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws, and welcomes little fishes in with gently smiling jaws!" murmured Alice Tetch, gazing at the fish in the tank as she petted Dinah.

"It's the fishes gently smiling jaws which will be welcoming a brace of Bats soon, my dear," said Jervis Tetch as he embraced her gently, kissing her cheek. "And high time too."

Harley checked her watch. "Speaking of time, when are the others gonna get here?" she demanded. "The death of the Bats is a very important date you'd think they wouldn't wanna be late for!"

"They'll be here, Mommy," retorted J.J. "Aunt Ivy has just called to say she and Uncle Two-Face are on their way after having destroyed a block of apartment buildings."

"And I got a call from Uncle Jonathan saying he's just leaving the 59th Street Bridge," spoke up Arleen. "He released some fear gas into the vehicles trapped there."

"That ain't too far," said Harley, nodding. "I'd say you got maybe ten minutes left to live, Batsy. Enjoy them."

"What are you hoping to accomplish by doing this, Harley?" murmured Bruce. "Killing us won't bring the Joker back."

Harley smiled sadly. "Why do anything, Brucie?" she murmured. "Because it's fun. That was always why Mr. J did stuff. And watching you both get the flesh stripped from your bones by a bunch of hungry piranhas is gonna be a lotta fun. I only wish Mr. J was here to see it."

Her eyes filled with tears and she turned away. "Damian, you know we're not responsible for Jason," said Bruce, looking at his son. "But I know who is. If you care at all about justice, after I'm gone, you'll call your mother and ask her where your grandfather is. And then ask him why he did it."

Damian stared at him. "Grandfather?" he repeated. "Grandfather brought back Jason?"

"How?" demanded Harley suddenly. "How can you bring someone back from the dead?"

"Ask Damian's grandfather," retorted Bruce. "I'm taking that secret to my grave."

Harley glared at him, and then turned to Damian. "You know how to get ahold of your granddaddy, kid?"

"My mother will," retorted Damian.

Harley nodded. "We'll call her after the Bats are dead. I don't care how we have to do it, but we're bringing Mr. J back if there's a way. So that's a nice, comforting thought for you, Batsy, when you're about to die," said Harley, turning to grin at him. "The Joker will be back. But they'll be no Bat to get in his way this time."

"Then he'll be terribly bored," retorted Bruce. "You know that, Harley. You know him better than anyone. You think he's gonna be happy that you killed us like this? He wasn't too happy about it before, was he?"

Harley frowned. "That was different. I ain't trying to kill you for selfish reasons now. I'm killing you for him. Because that's what he'd want. A dead Bat."

"He could have killed me years ago," retorted Bruce. "He never did. Why is that, Harley? Because maybe he knew the joke wouldn't be funny anymore if I was dead. Maybe I was always his favorite punchline. And you're gonna honor his memory by destroying that?"

"You…you ain't gonna confuse me again!" snapped Harley. "Mr. J would be proud of me! He'd be happy that you're finally dead! Just like we're all gonna be!"

The door opened at that moment and Ivy and Two-Face strode in. "Oh good, we're not too late," said Ivy, smiling at Bruce. "Gotta say, it'll be nice to watch you become part of the food chain, Bats. I'd prefer it if you were consumed by plants, but a girl can't have everything."

Two-Face stared at Bruce, flipping his coin. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I wish things could've been different, Bruce. Maybe if you had trusted me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess."

"Maybe," agreed Bruce. "Or maybe Two-Face would have shot me in the head ages ago because his coin told him to. I don't regret my decision not to tell you. I just regret what happened to you. To us."

Two-Face nodded slowly. "So do I," he murmured.

The door opened again and Jonathan Crane rushed in. "Sorry we're late," he panted. "But I literally couldn't drag Katrina away from watching the effect of the fear gas. People in pain is simply fascinating to her."

"Who's Katrina?" asked Harley, puzzled. "You get a new wife?"

"No, of course not!" snapped Crane. "Katrina is my eldest daughter. I gave up my criminal lifestyle and experiments in fear when my children were born, but when Jervis phones and says you're going to finally catch and kill Batman, you just don't say no. My wife is at home with the other children. But Katrina insisted on coming along, and I can't refuse her anything. She has a morbid fascination with terror."

"I do take after my father," said a young woman, entering the room. She was strikingly attractive, with long red hair, piercing green eyes, and a very pretty smile, with two little gaps in her front teeth. She also had two dimples in her cheeks, and two small sets of freckles on either side of her face. J.J. gave a low whistle.

"Woah," he whispered. "Maybe I settled down too soon…"

Ivy abruptly elbowed him in the ribs. "Only joking," he muttered.

Two-Face just stared at Katrina, completely dumbfounded. "Do allow me to make the introductions…" began Crane, but Two-Face suddenly seized her hand.

"Hi, I'm Harvey," he stammered.

"Oh…hello, Harvey," she murmured, gazing at him and smiling. "My father has told me so much about you."

"Well, we used to be kinda sorta colleagues, but I'm a lot younger than him, y'know," murmured Two-Face.

"That's all right," she said, grinning. "I've always had a thing for older guys."

Crane coughed loudly, stepping in between them. "Yes…can we please get on with the task at hand?" he demanded, glaring at Two-Face. "Some of us have been waiting most of our lives for Batman's death."

"Then I guess it's time for the moment of truth!" said Harley, beaming. "Prepare yourself, ladies and gents, for the ultimate thrill! The death of not one, but two Batmans! Double your pleasure, double your fun, and enjoy the Death of a Hundred Smiles! This is for you, Mr. J," she whispered, as she put her hand on the winch to lower Bruce and Tim into the water.

The lights suddenly went out. "Ain't nobody laughing," murmured a voice which seemed to come from everywhere. "You know why? Because you gotta explain this joke. And I told you the first time, if you have to explain a joke, there is no joke. You should have remembered what I told you a long time ago. It's one of the few real truths of comedy. You always take shots from folks who just don't get the joke!"

There was the sound of a shriek, and everyone turned to the window where, by the light of the moon, they could see Harley being held over the edge by a man in a trenchcoat and fedora. Her feet were just touching the ledge and her body was bent back as she looked down at the long drop. She turned back to face the figure, whose face was hidden by the shadow cast by his hat. His hat which he abruptly ripped off to reveal the smiling face of the Joker.

He bent down and kissed her passionately. "Miss me, baby?" he murmured, grinning.

"Mr….J?" gasped Harley, shocked. "But how did you…how are you…oh, Mr. J!" she shrieked, leaping into his arms and clutching him tightly. "You're alive, you're alive, you're alive!"

"Course I am, baby!" he chuckled. "Like a little fall could kill me! I've had a million of 'em! Whatever those chemicals did to make me into a clown, they also made my body extra sturdy! Well, you know all about that, doncha, you little minx?" he giggled, kissing her again.

"Daddy!" shrieked Arleen, recovering from her shock and racing over to hug him, with J.J. at her heels.

"How ya doing, Princess?" laughed Joker, picking her up and spinning her around. He hugged J.J. tightly and then turned to face the others.

"Well, don't look so surprised, guys!" he chuckled. "It's not like coming back from the dead is an unusual thing! Happens all the time, thanks to a little thing called a Lazarus pit."

"A what?" said J.J., puzzled.

Joker chuckled. "Something a certain Jason Todd told me before I tortured him to death. I dunno about him, but I really enjoyed disemboweling him. He was screaming all kindsa stuff at the end, stuff about a pit capable of bringing people back from the dead, and about a guy called Ra's al Ghul who knows how to work 'em, and who's hiding here in Gotham, in fact. So I came here to confront him and found my family about to kill the Bat. I can see everyone's lost their minds in my absence," he sighed. "Or at least their sense of humor. Where would be the fun in killing the Bat, guys? Where's the joke in that? Explain it to me, someone. Harley," he said, turning to face her.

"It…was gonna be revenge for you, puddin'," stammered Harley, "For letting you die…"

"And I told you it wasn't funny the first time around, didn't I, pooh?" he said, smiling at her.

"Yeah, but…I thought it'd be nice to…kill 'em with one of your jokes…"

"One of my jokes that you had to explain," interrupted Joker. "And what have I said about those, pumpkin pie?"

"That…that it ain't a joke if you have to explain it…"

"That's right, pooh. And as a great comedian, I can't see the joke in killing Batman. Even if you explain it to me, it still wouldn't be a joke. Killing my nemesis ain't funny. It ain't ever been funny. Trying to kill him, yes. Actually killing him, no. Now, keeping my nemesis alive and making him suffer through his son's wedding to my daughter, and making us be in-laws and having to spend the holidays together, that's a laugh riot!" he chuckled. "So that's what we're gonna do. Sorry, Batsy," he said, turning to face Bruce and smiling. "But I'm a cruel guy, really, and I'd do anything for a good joke. Even keep you alive."

He gestured to the tank. "Now get 'em both down from there, and let's go take revenge on the person really responsible for trying to kill me, and J.J. And the guy who actually killed your parents, sweetheart," he said, turning to Alice. "But first, Harley's gotta learn her lesson about this gag," he said. And he suddenly shoved her out the window.

"Second time's the charm, pooh!" he called as she fell down, screaming. She landed on a pile of mattresses which had been set up in the alley and sat up, surprised at being unhurt.

"Like the punchline better this time, sweets?" chuckled Joker. "Comedy's about the unexpected! You were expecting pain, but you're all right! A bit anti-climactic, maybe, but you should see the look on your face!"

"It ain't funny, Mr. J!" she shouted back.

"Don't you dare tell me what's not funny, you little brat!" he yelled, his face twisted in fury.

"Why doncha come down here and teach me a lesson!" she called. "I think I'm in need of a real, hard spanking!"

Joker chuckled. "Excuse me, folks," he said, turning to them and smiling. "I'll be with you in just a minute!"

He leapt out of the window after her. Arleen and J.J. shared a smile, and then joined the others in helping to untie Bruce and Tim.

"I'm…sorry," stammered Damian. "Really, I…"

Bruce held up his hand. "From now on, no more apologies," he said. "Not from any of us. We all did what we had to do, end of discussion. No point living in the past. But in the future, we need to trust each other, Damian. We're a family."

"Can you ever trust me again after this?" murmured Damian.

"Can you trust me?" murmured Bruce.

Damian looked at him and nodded. "Then yes," replied Bruce.

Damian stared back at him and then hugged him tightly. "I love you, Dad," he whispered.

"I love you too, Damian," whispered Bruce. He held out his arm and Tim joined in the hug.

"Oh, puddin'! Oh yes!" cried Harley suddenly. "Oh yes, yes, harder, puddin'! Oh, I love you, Mr. J!"

"Maybe we oughta…go elsewhere," muttered Bruce, drawing away. "Difficult to have a tender moment with…that going on in the background."

"Welcome to my life," growled Ivy.

"Will you allow me to escort you, Miss Crane?" said Two-Face, taking Katrina's arm.

She beamed at him. "I'd like that very much, Harvey," she whispered. They left the room together, smiling adoringly at each other.

Crane stared after them. "Is Harvey infatuated with my daughter?" he demanded, turning to the room in general.

"Yeah, great deductive reasoning there, Professor," retorted Ivy, grinning.

"I still can't believe she came from you, Uncle Jonathan," said J.J., smiling. "She's a total knockout."

"So is my wife," growled Crane.

"Yeah, but you think maybe your genes might have ruined that a little," said J.J., shrugging. "How do your other kids look?"

"Shut up," muttered Crane. And he stormed out of the room after them.


	28. Chapter 28

Bruce answered his phone. "Talia. You have information for me?"

"Yes, beloved," she replied. "My father is in Gotham City."

"Where?" asked Bruce.

"The ruined chapel on 66th Street," said both Talia and Joker at the same time.

Talia paused. "Who is that?" she murmured.

"It's…uh…" began Bruce, but Joker seized the phone from him.

"Hiya, toots, it's the Joker!" he said. "Just wanna have a quick chat with your Daddy about all this bringing people back from the dead nonsense. It's simply not polite. There are certain rules to life, and one of 'em is that when you kill someone, he's dead. Permanently. If we start changing rules randomly like that, where would we be? What would happen to society? There'd be anarchy, chaos, rioting in the streets! And I can't allow that to happen unless I'm the one who started it! It's a matter of principle, sweetheart! Plus I don't like all this magic crap – it defies all the logical rules of comedy. A joke's based on a mutual understanding of facts – change the facts and you ruin the gag. And immortality is a pretty lame punchline, sweets. All joke's have gotta have an ending, otherwise they're anticlimactic. A gag that just keeps on going gets real boring. Anyway, toots, don't wanna bore you too much with the philosophy of comedy. Dames don't usually get it anyway. No sense of humor, y'see. All you need to know is that I'm gonna stop your Daddy's joke of a life. Permanently. Which means no coming back, not ever again. Oh, and I look forward to meeting you at the family reunion someday! What with your kid and my kid being crazy in love and all, I imagine we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the future. Ta ta!"

He handed the phone back to Bruce. "Talia, I can explain…" began Bruce, but the phone suddenly clicked off. Bruce glared at Joker.

"I'm not going to let you kill her father," he snapped.

"Yeah? Guy who's been dead and reborn more times than he can count still deserves to live, does he, Bats? That still sits right with your precious code?"

"I don't have the right to take his life, and neither do you…"

Joker waved his hand. "Just doing what Father Time should have done a long time ago, Batsy! Helping the old man out!" he chuckled. "Anyway, I'd like to see you stop me."

"You think I won't?" growled Bruce.

"I think you'll try," retorted Joker, nodding. "But it'll end up being as effective as you trying to stop me from killing Jason Todd. Both times. You should have seen him this time around, Brucie. He was so dazed and confused at being alive after the long drop, and he seemed relieved at first. But then he realized that I had regained consciousness first, and that he was tied up in his own cape, and completely in my power, and it was funny to watch his relief slowly turn to horror. Did you know a guy can live up to six hours missing some of his vital organs? It's not pretty, but it's possible. Although maybe his dip in the Lazarus pit had something to do with it. Either way, I don't think he'll be coming back from this. I imagine there's some rule about the body having to be in one piece? Cause it wasn't, by the end."

"You should have let him live," murmured Bruce. "I could have talked to him…"

"He tried to hurt my kids," interrupted Joker. "People don't live after they try to do that. Except you, Bats, but then you've always been the exception to the rule!" he chuckled. "Anyway, you can't talk to people like that. They're crazy. And you can't just talk people outta being crazy. I should know!" he laughed.

Bruce glared at him but didn't respond. "Aw, are you gonna give me the silent treatment now 'cause you're angry with me?" asked Joker, grinning. "Well, if it helps, I'm sorry, ok, Bats? Now how about we kiss and make up?"

Bruce ignored him, hobbling toward the door. "I'm going to find Ra's," he said. "Damian, you're coming with me."

"And I'm going with Damian," said Arleen, firmly.

"And I'm going with Leenie…" began J.J.

"Oh, not this again!" interrupted Joker. "Let's just all go, ok? We'll take three cars. Joker family in one, Bat family in another, and other random lame freaks in the third one. Let's go!" he chuckled.

"I haven't missed him, you know," muttered Crane to Tetch as they followed Joker to the door.

"Um…Daddy, Harvey is riding with Bruce's family and asked if I could go in the car with him…" said Katrina, approaching her father and beaming. "Please?"

"Katrina, I understand that you've taking a liking to Harvey, but as your father, it's my job to protect you, and I will not…" began Crane.

"Please?" she repeated, gazing up at him pleadingly.

"I will not…um…uh…" he said, staring back at her. "Oh yes, fine!" he snapped, folding his arms across his chest. "Do what you like!"

"Thank you, Daddy!" she cried, hugging him. She raced off to join Two-Face.

"Your grasp of discipline seems somewhat lax," commented Tetch.

"She has her mother's eyes – I just can't refuse her anything when she's gazing at me with them," sighed Crane. "She knows it, too, and uses it to her advantage. She's a clever child."

"Hardly a child anymore, if you don't mind my saying so," said Tetch.

"Neither is yours," agreed Crane, nodding at Alice, who was holding Dinah in her arms and trying to calmly talk to Ace, while the two animals hissed at each other. "You've done well with her, though. Her mother would be proud."

"She does so resemble her, you know," murmured Tetch. "And I do still miss her every day. As does Alice."

"Perhaps this revenge will be the first step towards giving you both peace," said Crane.

"Perhaps," agreed Tetch. "But I doubt it. Revenge as a concept is all very well, and in practice there is a certain satisfaction in executing it. But it never really heals the wound, you know. I have always been puzzled by the idea of a revenge tragedy – such a name is redundant. Revenge is always a tragedy. Revenge is born of tragedy, and is tragically unsatisfactory. That is its nature."

"Perhaps it gives a great deal more satisfaction if you rename it justice," retorted Crane, dryly.

Tetch smiled. "Judging by Mr. Wayne, it does not."

He frowned. "I can't believe I used to work for Batman. If I had known, he wouldn't have been able to fire me. I would have quit. And then controlled his mind so he'd have given me unlimited funding and complete control of Wayne Enterprises."

"Hindsight is 20/20," said Crane, shrugging.

"Well yes, quite," agreed Tetch.


	29. Chapter 29

Ra's al Ghul had lived for 600 years, and each year he had felt time cut a little deeper into him. Age was a burden even immortality could not rid him of – the pain and infirmity of old age was inescapable. Ever after a dip in the Lazarus Pit had renewed him, he could feel the hand of time pressing against his body, trying to break it. His spirit remained strong, however, resolute, with the unbreakable desire to fight to make the world right. Or his version of right anyway.

Ra's saw the earth as a festering wound, becoming more and more infected by the pestilence of humanity. It needed to be freed of its horrible affliction by any methods necessary. And the only method Ra's saw was total and complete amputation. Cut off the human race, and you would stem the infection. But this limb would grow back, fresh and strong and better than before. Ra's would save the world before it destroyed itself. Only he could do this – only he had the strength and the knowledge and the willingness to sacrifice everything in pursuit of his cause. Everything.

And so he had. And now he was alone. Alone in the ruins of a broken chapel. He sat at the altar, in a throne he had created for himself, thinking. Not of his past or any regrets he might have, nor of his present lonely situation. He was thinking of the future, the glorious future, and how close it was at hand.

He was startled from his thoughts by one of his servants entering the room. "Is there any word from Jason?" he asked.

"No, my lord," replied the servant, bowing. "He has not yet returned from the island."

"I see." No emotion passed over Ra's face as he raised his hand and dismissed his servant. He had raised Jason like his own son after he had brought him back to life, but he did not feel a father's love for him. He had learned not to give a father's love to any child, real or adopted, since his daughter had proved ungrateful and defied him. Defied him over a man who could have been his successor, if he weren't so blinded by his own ignorance and misplaced regard for human life.

Many years ago now, Ra's had discovered the history of the deceased Jason Todd - how he had been Bruce Wayne's protege until he too had grown sick of the short-sightedness and stupidity of the man, how he had tried to take on the Joker single-handedly, and how he had been slaughtered by the monster, an innocent boy trying to do the right thing. Ra's had decided that here could be a successor truly worthy of him – a man who was trained by Bruce, who understood Bruce, and yet who did not share Bruce's lack of vision. Ra's had found where his corpse was buried and had taken him to a Lazarus Pit. Jason had sworn to do anything Ra's asked of him in exchange for giving him his life back, and so Ra's had only asked that he continued to do what he had always done as Robin, only with a few differences. He would be Batman this time, and he would be encouraged to rid of the world of as many undesirables as possible. The true hero Gotham deserved. One who would not hesitate to do whatever was necessary to keep the city safe. The only way to defeat Batman was with Batman. And soon the people would join with Jason's Batman against Bruce's, would see how effective a real hero was, and Bruce's eyes would finally be opened to the error of his ways. He would have no choice but to join Ra's, or admit defeat.

But that hadn't happened. Jason had proved more arrogant and fool-hardy than Ra's had initially suspected. And he had abused his power from the moment he had it. Ra's had given him free-reign of the city, and the authority to do what he liked in it. So what had Jason done? Jason had broken into a home, just because he could. Jason had tried to steal, because he wanted to exert his power. Jason had been confronted by the couple whose home he had broken into, and tried to intimidate them. And when they had demanded Jason leave or they would call the police, Jason had killed them and set their house on fire. When Ra's heard about it, he was furious. Although the couple themselves were probably no loss, Ra's had wanted his Batman to first be a hero the public loved enough to destroy Bruce, and then turn on the people of Gotham in order to save them from themselves.

Because of Jason's foolishness, Ra's had resolved to punish him. He took him far away from Gotham to train him in the ways of the League of Shadows. He took him to Tibet, the Middle East, Japan, all over the world, educating him in the ways of a true warrior. It was only recently that they had returned to Gotham City, and Ra's had given him his first true mission: kill the Joker and his entire family. He had sent him to the Joker's island to accomplish this. And he had not heard from him since.

Ra's wasn't worried – he was confident Jason would succeed. Besides, he had no great love for him, and what little regard he had would be lost in the event of Jason's failure. Ra's did not accept failure, even from those closest to him. _Especially_ not from those closest to him, because that meant he trusted them and cared for them more than others. When they betrayed that trust and love, they deserved to be cut off completely. Just like…

"Father."

He knew that voice. He had just been thinking about it. He turned slowly in his chair to see a figure standing behind him. His face still betrayed no emotion as he looked at her.

"Daughter. It has been a long time," he murmured.

"Yes," said Talia. They said nothing else, just looked at each other. Then she bowed low. "Father, I have come to warn you, you are in grave danger. Bruce has…"

"I do not wish to hear of him," interrupted Ra's, coldly.

"He is the father of my child, Father, whatever you may think of him," retorted Talia. "The father of your grandchild. This concerns your grandchild."

Ra's did not respond, but gestured that she continue. "Bruce knows you are here," murmured Talia. "He is coming to confront you, but he is not alone. The Joker is with him."

Ra's looked at her, expressionless. "Then Jason has failed," he murmured. "Pity."

"You must leave now…"

"Do you think I fear that scum, Talia?" interrupted Ra's. "No, let him come. Let them both come. I may not be the man I was, but I can still destroy ignorance and degeneracy."

"Father…"

"You should listen to your daughter, Ra's," said another voice. "She's only trying to help you."

They both turned to see Bruce emerging from the shadows, leaning heavily on his cane. "Beloved," gasped Talia. She had not seen Bruce in ages, and was shocked by how old he looked. Old but still strong.

"You don't have much time," murmured Bruce, approaching both of them. "They've agreed to let me speak to you alone, to have a few final words with you, or so they think. But I'm not going to let them kill you. Even after all you've done, I'm going to save you."

"I will not run from the Joker…" began Ra's.

"It's not just the Joker," interrupted Bruce. "It's his entire family, and more. And they're angry, Ra's. And trust me, they're not funny when they're angry."

"Detective, I would say I'm touched by your concern, but I know you have no great love for me," sneered Ra's. "You are here for your precious code, which will not allow you to take a human life, nor to lose one if there is something you can do to prevent it. You have never understood that there are things more important than life and death. Principles like honor and duty and your favorite, justice. Sometimes it is worth sacrificing a life to preserve these things. And it is worth sacrificing many lives to preserve the world. As for my own, it has been sacrificed many times. Whatever happens, it will return again."

"Wouldn't bet on it, Ghuly," chuckled a voice. "A little birdie told me ya need some sort of Lazarus Pit to return from the dead. And the same little birdie also told me where they were. Next time you wanna use one, you may find a Joker waiting for you with a shotgun and a smile! And speaking of shotguns…"

"And smiles!" added Harley, as she and the Joker entered the room with guns pointed at Ra's.

"You said I could talk to him alone first," growled Bruce.

Joker shrugged. "I lied. Anyway, you did get to talk to him. It's not that I don't trust you, Bats, but I knew you'd try something stupid like attempting to save his life. And it ain't gonna happen, y'see."

"You hurt my father, and I will cut out your tongue," growled Talia, stepping in front of him.

"That'll make things really awkward at the family reunions, toots," chuckled Joker.

"So will you murdering my father!" shouted Talia, stepping forward and reaching for her gun.

"Do not put yourself in harm's way, daughter – I have my guard," said Ra's. He clapped his hands, but there was no response.

"I think you _had _a guard, Ghuly," said Joker, nodding. "But they've been taken care of."

Several bodies fell forward into the room as the rest of the Joker family, plus Tim, Damian, Ivy, Two-Face, the Mad Hatter, Scarecrow and his daughter entered. Talia stared at Damian.

"Hello, Mother," he murmured.

"Damian, you cannot betray your family…" began Talia.

"I am standing by my family," interrupted Damian. "Leenie," he said, taking her hand. "And my father," he murmured, nodding at Bruce. "And nobody is going to hurt my father," he said, striding forward with Arleen. "Or my mother."

Damian and Arleen stood in front of Bruce and Talia. "And am I not also family?" murmured Ra's.

Damian turned to face him. "Yes," he said. "And I will do what I can to save you once you've answered a question for me. Twenty years ago Jason Todd set a home on fire. He ruined more than one life. I want to know why."

Ra's looked at him. "Does it matter?" he demanded. "The loss was unnecessary, but hardly unfortunate. It is not likely that the people killed were of a superior form of humanity, and nothing can be done about it now in either case."

"I want to know why," repeated Damian, firmly.

Ra's shrugged. "There was no reason. It was a mistake. Jason abused his power. He misunderstood the type of freedom I granted him. He killed them because he could. Does that satisfy you?"

"Not at all," retorted Damian, glaring at him.

Ra's shrugged again. "Get used to disappointment, boy," he retorted. "Not all things in life have a reason, and it is foolish to look for one. It is obvious that those people Jason killed had no part in the great plan of life, and so they were exterminated, like rats. And their lives were just as meaningless."

He stepped forward so that he towered over Damian. "If you wish to take my life for theirs, do so," he said. "But I doubt you have the stomach for such a deed. You're too much like your father."

"I will kill if I have to," murmured Damian.

Ra's smiled coldly. "Perhaps. But not me. After all, boy, I'm a part of your precious family, aren't I?"

"Yes," said a soft voice. "And I'm going to treat you like you treated mine."

Ra's didn't have time to turn around. It was a swift, clean blow, and it struck the head right off the body. He didn't even have time to scream.

Ra's head fell to the ground, eyes and mouth open in shock and horror. "Do you think he can still see me now, Arleen?" asked Alice Tetch, putting down the axe she had decapitated him with and kneeling down by the head. "I do hope so."

"Father!" shrieked Talia, rushing forward. She seized the body and began sobbing. Bruce hobbled over to her and lay a hand on her shoulder, but there was nothing he could say.

Alice straightened up slowly, tears in her eyes. "It was…all nonsense, Uncle Jervis," she whispered. "My parents died…for nonsense."

"Oh, my dear, I told you at the time that going to Wonderland didn't make any sense…" began Tetch, gently, as he embraced her.

"He killed my parents because he could," murmured Alice. "He tried to kill me because he could, because he had to finish the job, in his own words. Because I was a task he left unfinished, something he had to tick off his list. There was no reason for any of it…it was just nonsense."

She hugged Tetch tightly as the tears trickled down her cheek. "Why…did it have to be nonsense, Uncle Jervis? Why couldn't there have been a reason? Why couldn't my parents have died for something?"

"They did," said Bruce, gently, coming over to them. "They died for you."

Alice gazed at him. "The man who killed my parents…didn't really have his reasons either," murmured Bruce tenderly. "Not everyone gets to die for a purpose. But their death gave me my purpose. And if you do something with your life that your parents can be proud of, like I hope mine are of Batman, then…well, you're giving their death a reason. You're taking the tragedy and overcoming it. Rising above it. And…I know you can do that, Alice."

"Shall I…dress up like a Bat and fight crime?" asked Alice, managing a smile. "That too seems like nonsense, Mr. Wayne."

"I don't recommend it," retorted Bruce. "But you'll find your own way."

She nodded slowly. "I am sorry for the loss of your father-in-law," she murmured. "But you must understand I couldn't let him live…"

"I will never understand killing," interrupted Bruce. "But maybe if I had been your age and confronted with my parents' murderer, I might have reacted in the same way. I can forgive you for it, and I hope Talia will too, eventually."

He turned to look at Talia, who was still sobbing in agony over her father's body.

"Well, all's well that ends well!" said Joker cheerfully, putting away his gun. "And I'd say we've done enough damage around this popsicle stand, kiddies! Let's head home! You coming, Damian?"

Damian looked from Arleen to his parents and back, and then said, "I'll…see you on the island in a couple days."

"I'll send a helicoptor over for ya," said Joker, clapping him on the back. "See ya around, kid. You too, Brucie! Oh, and it was nice meeting you, Talia, is it? Is that how you pronounce it? What kinda name is that, Spanish or something?"

"It's really not a good time, Joker," growled Bruce, glaring at him.

Joker shrugged. "Ok, we can be introduced later, sweetheart! Hope you feel better soon! C'mon, Harl. Guys."

Damian was left alone with Bruce, Talia, Tim, and the body of Ra's al Ghul. Talia kept sobbing, and Damian hugged her gently. "Mother, if there's anything I can say…"

"No, Damian," she whispered, taking his hand. "I have something to say to you. I…loved my father very deeply," she said, gazing at his body. "And the hardest thing about his death isn't just the fact that he's gone forever. It's that we wasted so much time not speaking. I…should have told him I loved him every day. I should have spoken with him every day. I should never have put anything before my family, especially not my own pride. I'm not making that mistake again, Damain," she said, embracing him fiercely. "You're my son, and I love you. No matter what you do, I'll always love you, do you understand?"

"Yes, Mother," whispered Damian, feeling tears come to his eyes as he hugged her in return.

Bruce gazed at them tenderly, and then looked at Tim. "Let's go home," he said, firmly. He clapped Tim on the shoulder, and then embraced Talia and Damian. "My whole family. Let's go home."


	30. Chapter 30

Joker stared from Ivy to J.J. and back. "You wanna get married?" he repeated, incredulously.

J.J. shrugged. "Well yeah, Daddy-o. We've been together a long time now, and it just feels right, y'know?"

"And…you're asking for my permission?" said Joker slowly.

"We don't need your permission," growled Ivy.

"But it would be nice if our marriage met with your approval," added J.J. "So things wouldn't be awkward at the family reunions or anything."

Joker looked at them, and then burst out laughing. "Well, of course I'd be happy to welcome you into the family, Pammie!" he exclaimed, hugging her. "Just call me Daddy!" he chuckled. "Speaking of which, I don't suppose I can expect any grandkids from you? I'd imagine the old womb's pretty shriveled and barren, huh?" he said, patting her stomach. In response, Ivy kicked him hard in the groin.

"We'll…um…have to see about children," said J.J., stepping in between them and embracing Ivy, who looked murderous. "But you do…approve, Daddy-o?"

Joker laughed, patting him on the back. "J.J., you're old enough now to do what you want without my approval. If you wanna marry the Weed Lady, go ahead and marry the Weed Lady. If it'll make you happy, you know I approve anyway."

J.J. beamed at him. "Thanks, Daddy-o," he said.

"Though I do think you can do much better than a gal who's old enough to be your mother," added Joker. "Speaking of which, who's gonna tell Harley about your engagement?"

Ivy and J.J. shared a look. "Well, we were kinda hoping…you would, Daddy-o, seeing how she's crazy in love with you and all…" began J.J.

"No, it'll obviously be better coming from Pammie – she's her best friend," insisted Joker.

"And J.J.'s her darling son," said Ivy. "It'll be best coming from him."

"I don't see why I have to do it – you've both known her longer than me," retorted J.J.

"You two can't honestly tell me that you're afraid to tell Harley that you're engaged?" demanded Joker.

"Aren't you?" retorted Ivy.

"I ain't never been afraid of Harley!" shouted Joker.

"Then you tell her!" snapped Ivy.

"It ain't my engagement!" he shouted.

"Oh, puddin', so you've heard!" cried Harley, racing into the room. "Leenie just told me – it's horrible, isn't it?"

"I dunno if horrible is the word, pooh…" began Joker, slowly. "Maybe a little shocking if you didn't see it coming, I guess…"

"Did you see it coming?" interrupted Harley.

"Well…no," admitted Joker. "But I mean…we should try to be happy for 'em right? Gotta respect our kid's decision, and they're old enough now to know what they're doing."

Harley stared at him in astonishment. "Puddin'…I gotta say, you're taking this a lot better than I expected. I thought you'd be really upset losing your baby girl…"

Joker stared at her. "Losing…what?"

Harley stared back. "Well…the engagement. Leenie and Damian."

"Leenie's…engaged?" stammered Joker. Then he grew furious. "Without my permission?!" he shouted.

"But Daddy-o, you just said we were old enough to make our own decisions…" began J.J.

"You are, but Leenie ain't!" shouted Joker.

"We're the same age…" began J.J.

Arleen entered the room at that moment. "You, young lady!" snapped Joker, rounding on her. "What's all this I hear about you being engaged?!"

"Um…Damian asked me if I would marry him, and I said yes," replied Arleen.

"He got her a ring and everything, puddin'!" cried Harley, grabbing Arleen's hand and showing it to him. "He can't take it back now!"

"How could you do something like that without telling me?!" demanded Joker.

"Well, J.J. and Aunt Ivy got engaged without telling you first," said Arleen, nodding at them.

Harley turned slowly to stare at them, open-mouthed. "They…what?" she stammered.

J.J. glared at Arleen, but then forced a smile. "Mommy," he said, taking Ivy's hand. "Aunt Ivy and me are gonna be married."

"Married?" repeated Harley, staring blankly at them. "I don't understand…"

"It just means that…"

Harley held up her hand. "I just…need a moment to process this, sweetie. Just…excuse me for a second."

She left the room. "Daddy, I thought you'd be happy for me," said Arleen, gazing at Joker. "I love Damian. And he's loved me for a long time. He bought this ring ages ago because he knew he wanted to marry me even after our disastrous first date. He kept it for ten years. He loves me, Daddy. He really loves me."

Joker gazed back, and then smiled. "Batsy's boy marrying the Joker's girl," he murmured. "Quite the gag, sweetness. Quite the gag."

Arleen beamed at him, and then hugged him tightly. Harley re-entered the room, clearing her throat.

"Ok, kids. Since you're both gonna be married, I think it's about time we had a little talk. Sit down," she said, gesturing to the chairs.

"It's time you found out where babies come from," she said, very solemnly. "See, when a guy and a gal love each other very much…"

"Oh God, this is awkward," said J.J., standing up suddenly. "Um…Mommy…both Leenie and I know where babies come from. In fact, both Leenie and I have had sex. Several times in my case."

Harley stared at him. "Whaddya mean you've had sex?" she whispered. "How did you…how…when…why…"

Then she grew furious. "How could you have had sex before you were married?!" she shrieked. "Didn't I raise you both better than that?!"

"You had sex before _you_ were married!" retorted J.J.

"That's different!" shouted Harley. "I always knew I was gonna marry Mr. J!"

"Well, maybe deep down I always knew I was gonna marry Aunt Ivy!" retorted J.J.

Harley's expression grew even more stunned and horrified. "You haven't…done it…with Red?" she gasped. But a look at both of them told her the truth.

She screamed, clapping a hand to her mouth. "Oh God, when did you…where…in our house?!"

She lost the ability to speak after that, and just screamed repeatedly until Joker dragged her from the room and attempted to calm her down.

He returned several hours later, looking tired and disheveled. "Had to drug her in the end," he muttered, sitting down and loosening his tie. "Only thing that would calm her down. Hope she gets to grips with it soon – we got a couple weddings to plan. When do you kids want this done?"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "As soon as possible," they both said.

Joker grinned. "Great," he said, standing up. "I gotta give old Brucie a call. Do you think Damian's told him yet?"

"I don't think he'd dream of spoiling your fun, Daddy," replied Arleen.

Joker chuckled. "He's a good kid," he said, leaving the room and rehearsing the conversation. "Hey, Batsy, got a joke for ya! Wouldn't it be hysterical if our two kids got married and made us in-laws? And the real killer is, it ain't a joke after all! Aw, if only I could see the look of horror on his little Bat-face! But I imagine I'll be seeing it a lot over the coming weeks…"


	31. Chapter 31

Bruce Wayne had long been skilled at hiding his emotions. He had worn a mask both personally and professionally for a long time, and when he was informed by his ultimate nemesis that his nemesis's daughter was going to marry his son, he was better than most people would have been at disguising the way he actually felt about it, much to the Joker's disappointment. He was also disappointed that Harley had taken control of the wedding planning completely – she had been forced to settle for a small, quiet ceremony at her own wedding, and was making up for it now.

On the day of the double ceremony, Joker Island had been completely transformed into a beautiful, tropical paradise, courtesy of Poison Ivy's flowers. A path of lit torches led the way to the makeshift altar underneath an arbor decorated with more flowers. The catering was spectacular, every kind of food except fish, which Harley didn't care for. The Joker most certainly was not amused by how much the wedding was costing him.

But he still managed to find some way to amuse himself during the ceremony. Arleen and Damian were married first, and even Bruce managed a smile when he saw his son so happy. He frowned again when the Joker beamed and waved at him as he escorted Arleen down the aisle. Ivy and J.J. went next, and as she was walking down the aisle, instead of the bridal march blaring from the speakers, _Mrs. Robinson _began playing instead. Ivy froze in shock, and then grew angry. She threw down her bouquet of fake flowers, rushed over to the buffet table, and seized the knife for cutting the cake. Then she chased after Joker, who raced away from her, laughing hysterically.

J.J. managed to calm her down enough to say her vows, but the tension between her and Joker hadn't lessened at the reception. When Arleen dragged Joker away to have her first dance, Ivy was seriously close to shoving her fork into his eye.

"I really must love you, J.J.," Ivy muttered, chugging a glass of champagne. "To put up with your Dad for the rest of my life."

"Well, I wouldn't dream of depriving my Dad of one of his favorite punchlines," said J.J., grinning. "We should spend all our summers vacationing here, Auntie."

Ivy slammed her glass down suddenly. "You wanna set a record for the shortest marriage ever, J.J.?" she growled.

"Only joking, Auntie," laughed J.J., kissing her.

Harley had been sobbing uncontrollably throughout the ceremonies, and this continued as she watched Joker dance with Arleen. When he handed Arleen over to Damian, he held out his hand to Talia, who just glared at him and stormed off. Joker shrugged and then pulled Harley to her feet.

"I'm sorry about Talia," said Bruce as Joker passed Harley onto J.J. and then went to go smoke a cigar. "She's not the most forgiving woman."

Joker chuckled. "Few of 'em are. Can see why you went for that, though," he said, nodding after her. "Real exotic beauty, but you know there's gotta be a catch. I guess there are worse ones than pride. That's one of the things I love about Harley – she ain't got any pride. Useless, pathetic little brat. Thank God Leenie didn't take after her."

"If you hate her so much, why have you stayed with her for thirty years?" asked Bruce.

"Didn't say I hated her," retorted Joker. "Just said she was a useless, pathetic little brat. Which she is. Still, she's _my _useless, pathetic little brat, so…y'know."

Bruce didn't know, and didn't really want to figure it out. He looked from him to where Joker's daughter was dancing with his son. "My daughter marrying a Bat," said Joker, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "Never thought I'd see the day. Course she always had a lotta weird ideas. Think she got the crazy from both sides of the family though," he giggled. "And J.J…well, I remember when I used to have to help J.J. sneak his girlfriends out in the middle of the night so Harley wouldn't find out about 'em. Boys will be boys, y'know. I always thought the kid would end up marrying a supermodel or something with the way the dames fawned over him. I know I would have if I had his kinda charm. And instead he ends up with the Plant Cougar. But I guess your kids never turn out quite how you expect them to. That's what makes 'em fun," he added, grinning.

Bruce was silent. "Do you love them?" he asked quietly.

Joker looked at him. "Would it be funny if I did?"

"Yes."

Joker smiled. "You just answered your own question then, Brucie," he chuckled, exhaling from his cigar. "You want one?" he asked, reaching for his case.

"Will they explode?" asked Bruce.

"Nah, wouldn't pull a gag like that at my kids' weddings," retorted Joker. "Any other time is fair game though, I warn you, so don't make a habit outta accepting cigars from me."

Bruce took one, and Joker lit it for him. They smoked in silence, watching their children. "Do you ever think…if things had been different…" began Bruce.

"You mean if you weren't a humorless, self-righteous, uptight jerk obsessed with justice?" interrupted Joker.

"And if you weren't an insane, homicidal, murdering psychopath with a clown persona," continued Bruce, nodding. "That we could have been…friends?"

Joker chuckled. "Well, we sure as hell ain't friends now. We're in-laws. We gotta be mortal enemies."

Bruce smiled. "Same as usual, then."

"Yep," agreed Joker, puffing on his cigar and smiling. "Thank God some things never change."

He raised a glass of champagne. "The best of enemies, Batsy."

Bruce chinked his glass against his. "Always," he murmured.

Joker downed his glass. "I'm still gonna try to kill you, y'know," he added.

"I know," retorted Bruce, nodding. "Just not tonight."

"Not tonight," agreed Joker. "Maybe tomorrow."

Bruce smiled and left him. He glanced over at the beach, where Ace was wagging his tail as he played happily with Stan and Ollie. Everyone appeared to be talking and getting along…except, Bruce noticed, Tim, who was seated alone at one of the tables. Bruce hobbled over to him.

"Something on your mind?" he asked, taking a chair next to him.

"Yeah," sighed Tim. "I was talking to Damian before the ceremony." He looked at Bruce. "He's not going to be Robin anymore. He wants to give up crime-fighting for good. He says there's no place for it in his new life."

Bruce was silent. "What does he want to do?" he asked.

Tim shrugged. "You'll have to ask him. But it leaves me without a Robin."

Bruce clapped him on the shoulder. "You'll find a new one," he said. "I always did."

Tim looked at him. "You're ok with him just giving up like that? After all his training, after he wanted to be Batman…"

"He doesn't want that anymore," murmured Bruce. "And I would never make anyone sacrifice themselves for a cause they don't believe in. Especially not my own son."

He struggled to his feet again. "People…do change sometimes, Tim," he murmured. "They should be allowed to. We should give them that chance. And if they change for the better…we should be happy for them."

He left Tim alone again. He sighed, sipping his glass of champagne.

"May I sit down?" asked a voice.

Tim looked up to see Alice Tetch standing in front of him. "It's a free country," he retorted, gesturing to a chair.

"Thank you," she said.

They were silent. "How did you find being Damian's best man?" she asked at last. "Being Arleen's bridesmaid was far from taxing."

"Well, y'know, aside from the speech, it's a pretty easy gig," said Tim, shrugging. "Damian didn't want a bachelor party or anything, so I just had to remember the rings. And I'm Batman, so…I've had more difficult jobs in my time."

"Well yes, quite," agreed Alice. They were silent again. Alice cleared her throat. "I understand…you have lost your sidekick."

"News travels fast," muttered Tim.

"Actually, Damian informed me personally," said Alice. "He thought I might be interested in filling the position."

Tim stared at her. "You want to…be Robin?"

"Goodness, no," retorted Alice. "Robin is a terrible concept, and always has been. No, I wish to be your sidekick, a completely different sidekick. You have no objection to a woman fulfilling the role, I presume?"

"Well…no," stammered Tim. "It's just…it's always been Batman and Robin."

"My dear Mr. Drake, things cannot always be as they were," retorted Alice. "One mustn't live one's life stuck in the past and hiding from reality, must one? The future is here, and we must modernize in order to adapt to it."

"Uh…yeah…sure," stammered Tim. "So if you don't want to be Robin, who do you want to be?"

"We've been over this, Mr. Drake. I would like to be your sidekick."

"Yeah, but what's your name gonna be?"

She stared at him. "I'm Alice, Mr. Drake. Alice Tetch."

"I know that. But what's your sidekick name gonna be?"

She continued to stare at him. "What's wrong with Alice?" she asked.

"Well…it's…I mean…Batman and Alice? Doesn't really have a ring to it. Anyway, it's not a secret identity if it's just your name…"

"Well, Robin's just a name, really," retorted Alice. "And I have no need to keep my identity a secret. My parents are dead, my Uncle is perfectly capable of taking care of himself – I have nothing to hide. I fail to see why you might object to it."

Tim gaped at her. "Well…uh…you'll have to let me consider it, Alice, and I'll…get back to you," he stammered.

She nodded, standing up. "As you wish. You may contact me by telephone when you have made your decision."

She began to walk away, and then turned back. "By the way, if your decision is no, then I'll have to dedicate my life to your extermination, as my Uncle did before me. So I'd seriously consider accepting my offer, Mr. Drake. I'm sure we'll make a very capable partnership."

She strode off. Tim stared after her, and then rolled his eyes. "Great. I'm stuck mentoring Lizzie Borden, or she'll be after my blood forever. I need a drink," he muttered, heading off to get more champagne.

The party lasted well into the evening. At around midnight, Ivy noticed Two-Face sneaking away from the crowd, and followed him. "Going somewhere, Harvey?" she asked.

"Oh…no, Pammie," he said, whirling around. "No, just…getting some fresh air, y'know."

"The whole day's been spent outside," she retorted.

"Yeah, well, away from the crowds," he stammered.

"Oh. Ok," said Ivy.

They looked at each other but said nothing. "Congratulations," said Two-Face, at last. "I dunno if I said that yet, but…"

"Thanks," said Ivy. "You're…ok with it, aren't you, Harvey?"

"What, you getting married? Course I am," he said. "I do…love you, Pam. I think I always will. But I've…moved on myself, y'know."

"Yeah. Congratulations to you too," said Ivy. "She's beautiful. But I'm not sure her father approves," she added, smiling.

Two-Face shrugged. "Not sure I care," he retorted.

Ivy grinned. "Same old Harvey," she murmured. "I'm glad you're happy. I really am."

"Me too, Pam," he whispered. "Glad you're happy, that is…we could never really make each other happy, y'know. In many ways we were too similar for that. Proud, I guess. Stubborn. Both always so sure we were right."

"Well, J.J. isn't exactly submissive," retorted Ivy.

"No. But he's what you need, I guess," murmured Two-Face. "And I guess what you need isn't always what you expect. I never would have paired you two, not in a million years. But I can't deny that you…are happy."

"Yeah. I am," agreed Ivy.

Two-Face grinned. "Well, take care of the kid, Pammie."

"I will. You take care of yours, Harv," she murmured.

"Harvey, quick, we gotta run before my Dad notices I'm gone," said Katrina, rushing over to him and seizing his hand. "If he asks, Pam, can you tell him you didn't see me?" she asked, turning to Ivy.

"Sure," said Ivy, shrugging.

"Thanks, you're the greatest," she said, beaming at her. "Congratulations."

"And to you," said Ivy, nodding. "That's quite a catch you got there. I mean that."

She smiled. "I know he is," she murmured, gazing at him adoringly. "Come on, Harvey."

Two-Face smiled at her and raced off. Ivy looked after him and then returned to the high table. "Auntie, I was wondering where you'd…" began J.J., but she silenced him with a kiss.

"I love you," she murmured. "Now let's go to bed."

"Pamela, you haven't seen Katrina anywhere, have you?" asked Jonathan Crane, dashing over to her. "I left her alone for a moment and she's run off."

"Haven't seen her, Johnny," said Ivy. "Now c'mon, J.J."

J.J. shrugged. "You won't always be able to order me around like this, you know," he said, standing up. "But on our wedding night, I'm willing to make an exception."

"And I'll warn you right now, if you wanna get any action, wedding night or not, you'll do what I tell you throughout our marriage," retorted Ivy.

J.J. sighed. "Now ya tell me," he muttered, following her back to the mansion. "Dames, honestly. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."


	32. Chapter 32

"Well, Mrs. Wayne, we're alone at last," said Damian, carrying Arleen over the threshold. "Not that I don't love your family, of course, but I like them best in small doses."

"Your father wouldn't say that," retorted Arleen, grinning.

"I'm not my father," said Damian, smiling.

"No," sighed Arleen. "I guess you never will be Batman, after all. I'll have to tell people that the best I could do was Robin. Not sure I'd like to admit that I married Robin, though."

"Then you'd better not spread it around," retorted Damian, kissing her.

"You mean give it all up?" asked Arleen. "Stop the crime and crime-fighting once and for all?"

"I've already told my father I'm not going to be Robin anymore," said Damian.

"And so you expect me not to be a Joker anymore?" asked Arleen. "Just give up that freedom, that thrill?"

"…is this really the time to talk about this?" asked Damian, slowly. "Or are we going to end up fighting on our wedding night?"

Arleen grinned. "I wouldn't mind," she said. "Nothing puts me in the mood faster than a good punch up."

"I wish I'd known how bloodthirsty you are before I married you," said Damian, smiling.

"You knew," she retorted. "I've beat you and Tim up a thousand times."

"I like to think you were always more gentle with me," said Damian.

"I was always more rough with you," she replied, grinning. "I thought you liked it that way. At least, I hope you do, or I don't think you're gonna have a lot of fun tonight," she murmured, shoving him back onto the bed.

"So…what are you gonna do?" she murmured, climbing on top of him.

"What, now?" he asked, grinning. "I'm going to kiss my wife."

"No, I mean since you're not gonna be Robin anymore," she murmured when he drew away at last.

"You really want to talk about this _now_?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I'd like to know who my husband is going to be after our honeymoon."

"I'm going to be Damian Wayne," he said.

"Son of playboy billionare Bruce Wayne?" said Arleen, grinning. "And following in his father's footsteps?"

"Nothing wrong with being a billionare philanthropist," retorted Damian.

"Sounds pretty boring," she said. "What does a billionaire philanthropist do for fun when he's not wearing a costume and swinging over rooftops fighting bad guys?"

"And bad girls," said Damian, kissing her again. "He does whatever he wants. But actually I'd like to talk to my father about working for Wayne Enterprises. If I'm going to take over the business some day, I should start learning something about how it works."

"Oh," said Arleen, her face falling in disappointment. "So I'm going to be Arleen Wayne, socialite wife of businessman Damian Wayne, expected to mingle and throw parties and pretend to be interested in gossip and fashion? That's what I gave up my life of crime for?"

"Well, I suppose you could always be a socialite by day and supercriminal by night," said Damian.

"And my brother-in-law could beat me up and drag me off to jail night after night?" asked Arleen.

"Not if your husband has anything to say about it," retorted Damian, grinning. He kissed her again. "I want you to be anything you want to be," he murmured. "As long as you're my wife."

She sighed heavily, cuddling him. "Well, I suppose as wife of billionaire philanthropist Damian Wayne, I can find something fun to do. Fun is a bit of a family speciality, y'know."

"I do know," sighed Damian. "You'll probably be off with your brother somewhere causing havoc and chaos, scandalizing Gotham society and disgracing the family name."

"Not my family name," retorted Arleen. "We Jokers have a reputation to preserve."

"You're a Wayne now," said Damian. "And so do we."

"Mmm. Brooding and serious," she murmured, kissing him. "What a boring family I've married into."

"Boring?" he said. "My father's Batman."

"Boring," repeated Arleen, firmly. "No sense of humor. Runs in the Bat-family, or so I hear."

"Yeah, you'll have to teach me all about how to be funny," said Damian, smiling at her.

"Daddy always said comedy isn't something that can be taught," retorted Arleen. "You're either funny or you're not. Daddy always said Mommy wasn't funny, but J.J. and I were naturals. He was especially proud of me – Daddy said women aren't ever funny. I was special."

"Well, your father and I agree on one thing then," said Damian, kissing her.

"You agree on a couple things," she retorted. "They always say a girl looks for a guy similar to her Daddy."

"Are you saying Batman's son inadvertantly turned out to be similar to the Joker?" asked Damian.

Arleen grinned. "Quite the joke, huh?" she murmured.

They kissed again, long and lingering. "Well, Batsy, I do feel like being a very bad girl tonight," Arleen whispered, undoing his bowtie.

"Good thing there's a Batman here to stop you from doing anything too naughty," murmured Damian.

"You can try, Batsy," she whispered, grinning. "Anyway, you're not Batman."

"No. And you're not the Joker," said Damian, kissing her as he slid her dress off her shoulders.

"Who are we, then?" she asked as he climbed on top of her. "Nobody?"

"We're Damian and Arleen Wayne," murmured Damian, beaming at her. "The happiest couple in the world."

"Nobody, then," said Arleen, beaming back.

"Yep," said Damian, smiling as he pressed her down on the bed. "And I've never been happier to be nobody. Never in my entire life."

**The End**


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